Subject: Re: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Additions for 1993, Part 3 of 3]
Message-ID: <1993May10.033312.21513@tc.fluke.COM>
Keywords: Acres O' Quotes
Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control
References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.033136.21440@tc.fluke.COM>
Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:33:12 GMT
Lines: 1420
"Come see Bottomless Pete, Nature's cruelest
mistake! Come for the freak; stay for the food!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"You're going to love IT'S
A WONDERFUL LIFE -- it's
a great movie!"
"It's not relentlessly
cheerful, is it?"
[BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES]
----
"OK, I'll make a deal with
you. If we go out on
patrol, and Gotham is
quiet, with no sign of
the Joker, we come back
here, have Christmas
dinner, and watch IT'S A
WONDERFUL LIFE."
"You know... I've never
seen that. I could
never get past the
title."
[BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES]
----
"You think you're dirty socks can stop me? Well...
they are making me *dizzy*... unnnh."
----
"On the strength of his literary output alone...
any woman of sense would decline to tackle D.H.
Lawrence at 1,000 pounds a night."
-- Dorothy L. Sayers
----
"STAR TREK XII: So *Very* Tired"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Dad, we did something
*very* bad!"
"Did you wreck the car?"
"No."
"Did you raise the dead?"
"Yes!"
"But the car's OK?"
"Unh-huh."
"All right, then."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Bart! You cast the wrong
spell! ZOMBIES!!"
"*Please*, Lis. They
prefer to be called the
`living-impaired'."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"There's no fucking
justice!"
"Not from this
government."
-- MISSPENT YOUTHS
----
"I don't suppose you'd let
*us* handle this?"
"Hey, I'll be fine. I
took care of the junk
food abominations for
you, didn't I?"
"It's not *you* I'm
worried about... it's
EVERY LIVING THING in
your path!"
-- MISSPENT YOUTHS
----
"Night, 'Lili. Thanks for
being there."
"I don't like people
trying to kill my
friends without my
permission."
"You're such a softie!"
"Wiseass."
-- MISSPENT YOUTHS
----
"And give Ilsa the Nazi
Bitch Queen a hot Clorox
enema, OK?"
"Yes Marta. The customer
is always right Marta."
-- MISSPENT YOUTHS
----
"We live in confusing times, Corky. The White
House criticizes Murphy for having a child while
they're parading The Terminator around as a role
model for young people."
[The Quayle episode of MURPHY BROWN]
----
"MURPH, it's *Dan* *Quayle*! Just forget about it."
[The Quayle episode of MURPHY BROWN]
----
"He was going to stay in radio for sure. By
George, he was going to show the arrogant little
bastard how hay is made. `You wanted to get my
back up, okay, it's up,' thought Ray. The man was
a lowdown, lamebrain, sharp-eyed, three-piece,
high-hat, hot-shit, numero-uno New Yorker. You
leave the country in the hands of these people and
it won't be worth living in. That was what
William Jennings Bryan said and *he* *was*
*right*, *boys*."
-- Garrison Keillor, WLT: A RADIO
ROMANCE
----
"When his Sons of Knute congratulated him on WLT,
Ray grimaced and shook his head. She was a bitch.
Call it Norwegian negativity, but, boys, it was a
dubious invention. He had been alarmed by it from
the very beginning. He slowly came to despise it.
Radio was too successful to be killed. But how
awful!"
-- Garrison Keillor, WLT: A RADIO
ROMANCE
----
"I will make your demise
*slow*... *lingering*...
and *painful*!"
"You're going to *marry*
me? You FIEND!"
-- CEREBUS
----
"Why, look, Ted. It's a
meeting of the new
community leaders."
"OOH! A town MEETING!
Do we gets ta VOTE? I
jes *LOVES* ta vote!"
-- BONE
----
"I've... I've never shot a
woman before."
"Well, let's wait for the
autopsy. Your record
might be intact."
-- CEREBUS
----
"Well, you certainly
pumped them good! Milked
'em and stripped 'em.
Congratulations!"
"Shut up."
-- Rex Stout
----
"Besides being an accomplished author, [Margaret]
Atwood is also a Famous Canadian (i.e., some
Americans have heard of her)."
-- Bruce Becker
----
">But the snotty elitist tone makes me wonder how far
>removed Mr. Brown and Maddox are from ordinary
>Americans."
"I am of course entirely removed from ordinary
Americans. I live swaddled in velvet and eat only
caviar and truffles; I am carried from place to
place by careworn middle-class conservatives who
lost their jobs to Negroes and are forced to live
in squalid apartments where pornographic films
play ceaselessly on televisions that will not turn
off; I consort only with homosexuals and the
divorced, both of whom I meet at gatherings where
we plot the elimination of All That Is American."
-- Tom Maddox
----
MIKE ROKYO'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE QUESTIONS:
"President Bush, when that reporter asked you about
reports that you were once lovey-dovey with a
female aide, you really got indignant and mad. Why
did you get mad? I mean, come on, you're a
successful, healthy, normal, tall, good-looking
guy, with a full head of hair, and, hey, stuff
happens, right?"
----
MIKE ROKYO'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE QUESTIONS:
"Mr. Perot, as a successful businessman, don't you
think it would be a more prudent use of your
resources to go find a small, undeveloped country,
buy the whole thing and declare yourself king?"
----
MIKE ROKYO'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE QUESTIONS:
"Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV
and said you had been her lover boy for years, you
and your wife went on TV and your wife was
affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care
to share with millions of American men how the
heck you managed to talk your way out of that
pickle?"
----
MIKE ROKYO'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE QUESTIONS:
"President Bush, you are, in all likelihood, the
last American president who will have grown up
during the Great Depression. Would you care to
share with those younger Americans, who are now
suffering through hard times, your memories of
what it was like to look upon a depressed nation
through the window of the family limo that was
driving you to your prep school?"
----
MIKE ROKYO'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE QUESTIONS:
"Mr. Perot, you made most of your billions in the
computer industry. Could you tell the American
people what the heck they should do when their PC
sends the message, `Abort, Retry, Fail'?"
----
"Sweatshirts and T-shirts and logos on mittens,
Whiskers and cat ears and little stuffed kittens,
Dry ice from PHANTOM and turntable springs,
These are a few of my souvenir things..."
--"Forbidden Broadway"
----
Regarding Microsoft's "undocumented Windows functions"
and the resulting brouhaha in the PC trade rags:
"What has been going on in the media is akin to
saying that Colonel Mustard must have done it,
because everyone else says he has the candlestick
(even though you can't be sure that it IS a
candlestick) and besides, he has experience and is
ruthless and nobody likes him anyway. Grounds for
an investigation, yes. Grounds for summary
execution, no."
-- Ken Hamer
----
"One can only guess at the unique circumstances
which rendered him incapable of distinguishing
Rocky and Bullwinkle from the evening news."
-- Dr. Joel Fleischman
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"4 bear claws means instant classic ... 1 bear claw
means stay home and read. I think it's time that
people know the truth."
-- Ed
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"You give 'em what they
want. That's the role of
journalism."
"No, Maurice, that's the
role of professional
wrestling!"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"This is absolutely key. It's not the thing you
fling, it's the fling itself!"
-- Chris
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
GEORGE'S BUSH'S STRATEGY FOR A SURPRISE WIN IN NOVEMBER:
"His chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear,
his two, his two chief weapons, and ruthless
efficiency, his THREE chief weapons, fear,
surprise, and ruthless efficiency, and an almost
fanatical... I'll start again."
-- David Condon
----
"President Bush said the other day that he believes
in the values of country music. Yeah, and in
about a month he'll be sitting in his pickup,
getting drunk, and wondering why he lost his job!"
-- Jay Leno
----
Money talks and often just says "Good-Bye."
[Possibly from a poem in TIME magazine.]
----
"Wow, I haven't seen [`The Family Circus' comic
strip] in years. I found it incredibly
disturbing. Naked kids with swollen eyes and no
genitals... the stuff of nightmares."
-- Matt McIrvin
----
"In a survey of Florida insurance commissioners in
the mid 1980's, the commisioners ranked
fraternities as the sixth worst insurance risk in
the country. The fifth was nuclear waste."
-- Daily Vidette
----
"It is up to us to produce better-quality movies."
-- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of
STUFF STEPHANIE IN THE
INCINERATOR
----
"This business of talking to everyone and attending
meetings all day is a shiftless way of conducting
oneself."
-- Dean Acheson
----
10. What about Bush reminds you most of Harry Truman?
a. Nobody thinks he's going to win.
b. He likes to fish and recently rode on a train.
c. He's a dead man.
-- Joel McNally
----
"One man's savior is another man's pair of lead
boots."
-- Chris in the Morning
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"My Christmas wish for you tonight: may your dog
talk."
-- Chris in the Morning
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"I always admired atheists. I think it takes a lot
of faith."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"I believe in a supreme being. I just don't think
she takes human form."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"What do women want?"
"I don't know -- do you?"
"Same thing men want, only
in prettier colors."
-- NORTHERN EXPOSURE
----
"Let me ask you people
something. What do you
think about dogs?"
"I enjoy them. If cooked
properly."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Now they're getting into paradox. Dicey stuff."
-- Ruth Anne, NORTHERN EXPOSURE
----
"At times, I actually find
you refreshing."
"You mean like a glass of
ginger ale?"
"And occasionally
amusing."
-- Maggie and Joel, NEXP
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Okay. Sex is fine. Sex is good. Sex is *great*!
Okay, okay, we need men for sex.... Do we need so
many??"
-- Maggie, NEXP
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Love is like friendship caught on fire."
-- Chris in the Morning
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"You can't compare roller-blading to crouching in a
duckblind with a shotgun next to your cheek."
-- Maurice, NEXP
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Hark! What rock through yonder window breaks? It
is a brick! And Juliet is out cold."
-- James McKendrew
----
"Would you like a beer,
Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat
in a glass."
-- CHEERS
----
Succinct review of the last episode of TWIN PEAKS:
"I was kind of disappointed actually. I mean here
he is the great and evil BOB and the worst thing
he can do is squeeze a tube of toothpaste out from
the middle."
----
Selections from TOP 10 SOFTWARE JOB INTERVIEW
QUESTIONS:
10. "How do you work in a team situation when
all the other team members are fools and
idiots?"
8. "Emacs or vi?"
7. "You have a large network of Suns being used
by secretaries for word processing in
FrameMaker. Which GNU packages would you
install for your own entertainment, and how
would you justify them later?"
4. "You see a wounded puppy bleeding and
whimpering on the side of the road while
you're running to work to fix a downed
computer that tens of users are waiting
for. Do you let the puppy die? Why not?"
2. "Recite the GNU Manifesto."
1. "How many clients (30% diskless, 60%
dataless, 10% /var/spool/mail only) can a
Sun 600MP server serve simultaneously, and
what relation does this have to angels and
pinheads?"
-- Brian R. Smith
----
"I'm a man who respects a good coma."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
----
"If I've still got my pants on in the second scene,
I think they've sent me the wrong script."
-- Mel Gibson
----
"People that are really very weird can get into
sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact
on history."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"Take out the word 'Quayle' and insert the word
'Bush' wherever it appears, and that's the crap I
took for eight years. Wimp. Sycophant. Lap dog.
Poop. Lightweight. Boob. Squirrel. Asshole.
George Bush."
-- George Bush
----
"Family is something which goes back to the nucleus
of civilization. And the very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country,
goes back to the family."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"C'mon boys, don't bother me. I'm debating Dan
Quayle. The boy's retarded."
-- Senator Birch Bayh
----
"The first year [1977] I spent getting my family
moved to Washington. The second year I ran for
re-election. Then as soon as I was elected, I
started running for the Senate."
-- Dan Quayle, describing his
career in the House of
Representatives
----
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of
any vice president, and that one word is 'to be
prepared'."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"I'll tell you one person who doesn't think we've
wasted our money on $600 toilet seats --- Saddam
Hussein."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn
and I were just really impressed by all of the
novelties and the different types of little things
that you could get for Christmas. And all the
people that would help you, they were dressed up
in things that said, ``I believe in Santa
Claus.'' And the only thing that I could think
is that I believe in George Bush."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"I've told you I don't live and die by the polls.
Thus I will refrain from pointing out that we're
not doing too bad in those polls."
-- George Bush
----
"It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a
former president, `If you want a friend in
Washington, get a dog.' We took them literally --
that advice -- as you know. But I didn't need
that, because I have Barbara Bush."
-- George Bush
----
"High tech is potent, precise, and in the end,
unbeatable. The truth is, it reminds a lot of
people of the way I pitch horseshoes. Would you
believe some of the people? Would you believe our
dog? Look, I want to give the high-five symbol to
high tech."
-- George Bush
----
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
-- George Bush at Auschwitz, 1987
----
"I will never apologize for the United States of
America, ever. I don't care what the facts are."
-- George Bush
----
"Bush so loves the flag he wraps himself in it,
like Linus."
-- George Will
----
"George Bush says, `I am an environmentalist'.
That statement is as vacuous as any statement that
can be constructed from four English words."
-- George Will
----
"People were out there looting their asses off...
When they saw us, they shouted, `Viva Bush!'"
-- A US soldier present at the
invasion of Panama
----
"On the surface, selling arms to a country that
sponsors terrorism, of course, clearly, you'd have
to argue it's wrong, but it's the exception
sometimes that proves the rule."
-- George Bush, August 1987
----
"Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us
men are tired of losing our women."
-- Dan Quayle talking about
breast cancer
----
"I should have caught the mistake on that spelling
bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, 'You
should never trust a man who has only one way to
spell a word.'"
-- Dan Quayle, actually quoting
from President Andrew Jackson
----
"I used to smoke marijuana, but that was when I was
in college, before it was a drug."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"Dog bites man--that's not a story. Man bites
dog--*that's* a story. And if the dog and the man
slug it out for six issues, and then Wolverine
shows up for a guest appearance, and the dog turns
out to be a mutant, that's a *Marvel* story!"
-- Marvel Editorial Handbook
----
"I know a lot -- close to it -- but I don't know
whether I knew everything."
-- George Bush (on Iran-Contra)
----
"Be good -- go to church. Be good -- go to church.
Be good -- go to church."
-- Republican Economic Plan
[Joe Wasik]
----
"Frankly, I'm very surprised that this is all being
taken the wrong way. We're in the comics
business. We specialize in stereotypes."
-- Mike Carlin
----
"Just roll me under the table and let me sleep it
off."
-- George Bush
----
"If we really wanted to be Machiavellian jerks,
there's a lot more stuff we'd do."
-- Steve Balmer, Microsoft VP
----
"Don't let this election be about Willie Horton or
Murphy Brown. Don't let this election be about
the denial of the need for new directions by all
people of both parties in Washington. Don't be
prisoners of the past or the politically correct.
Let us be bold and chart a new course."
-- Bill Clinton
----
"I'm tired of people with trust funds telling
people on food stamps how to live!"
-- Bill Clinton
----
"Whattya know... goats float."
[GOING TO EXTREMES]
----
"Eight years is too long for anyone to go without
skills or purpose."
-- George Bush
----
"Hey, where's the radio on this thing? It's time
for Paul Harvey!"
-- Flaming Carrot
----
Thank you for your input. Agents have been
dispatched to deal with you.
[Andrew C. Plotkin]
----
"Besides, my first `real' book wasn't LOVE IN THE
TIME OF CHOLERA, either, but that doesn't mean I
should be satisfied reading CURIOUS GEORGE at the
age of 35 just because I enjoyed it when I was
five."
-- Jerry Boyajian
----
"Sex is no substitute for peace of mind."
-- Klo, THE BALTIC SEA
----
"We are the Hammer of
Vengeance. We are the
Instrument of the
Goddess' Divine
Retribution. We will
*crush* your bloated and
leeching city-state like
an insect..."
"Oh! So you *are* bigger
than a breadbox!"
[Lord Julius gets in a good one in CEREBUS]
----
"And where are your SPEED LINES! Even MAH-JONGG
comics must have speed lines!!"
[AMBUSH BUG NOTHING SPECIAL]
----
"YES! IT'S YOUR VERY OWN **CALL FROM AL**! AND
YOU'RE STUCK!"
[AMBUSH BUG NOTHING SPECIAL]
----
"OUT OF MY WAY!! I have to appear on seven
different covers at the SAME TIME!!"
[AMBUSH BUG NOTHING SPECIAL]
----
"And Robert Loren Fleming? There is NO such
person! Who ever heard of anyone with three
names? I made him up."
[AMBUSH BUG NOTHING SPECIAL]
----
"Al Gordon used to be my gardener! I taught him
how to speak English! Now he worships me like a
god!"
[AMBUSH BUG NOTHING SPECIAL]
----
"Do you know the routine? Don't go near the glass,
don't pass him any staples or paper clips, don't
tell him anything personal about yourself... and
above all, don't torment him for years and then
accidently leave your pen in his cell! He hates
that!"
[AMBUSH BUG NOTHING SPECIAL]
----
"Wow! He brought me the head of Evander
Holyfield!"
[AMBUSH BUG NOTHING SPECIAL]
----
"I'm telling you, I didn't
eat anybody."
"Yeah, yeah, I wish I had
a nickel for every time
I've heard that."
[MAN-EATING COW]
----
"I expected more fight,
more spirit, from the
fabled Grandlord of
Palnu."
"You *did*? Say! Maybe
that publicist wasn't
such a waste of pin
money after all..."
[Lord Julius gets in another good one in CEREBUS]
----
PROOF POSITIVE THAT GEORGE BUSH SMOKES DOPE:
"I see no media mention of it, but we entered in --
you asked what time it is and I'm telling you how
to build a watch here -- but we had Boris Yeltsin
here the other day. And I think my times
campaigning in Iowa, years ago, and how there was
a -- Iowa has a kind of, I single out Iowa, it's a
kind of an international state in a sense and has
a great interest in all these things -- and we had
Yeltsin standing here in the Rose Garden and we
entered into a deal to eliminate the biggest and
most ballistic missiles and it was almost,
'Ho-hum, what have you done for me lately?'"
----
WHAT IF.... George Bush Moonlighted in the Presidential Helicopter?
"This is George Bush, traffic reporter for WXXX and
Leader of the Free World. Failed Liberal policies
are obstructing traffic on I-27 and the downtown
loop, but a firm dedication to family values is
ensuring smooth traffic flow and prosperity on
US-99, so remember to take alternate routes this
November."
-- John F. Woods
----
"You have been told that Real Life is not like
college, and you have been correctly informed.
Real Life is more like high school."
-- Commencement Address by Meryl
Streep
----
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS YOU HOPE *NOT* TO
EXPERIENCE AT A WEDDING:
10. The bride and groom have their first dance
together to either "The Lambada" or to the
theme from "Dances with Wolves"
7. Disruption of the ceremony by the arrival of
last minute blood and urine test results
2. The minister saying "And now a word from our
sponsor..."
1. Hearing the bridal march played on an accordian
-- The Spaffords
----
"At this point I reveal myself in my true colours,
as a stick-in-the-mud."
-- Sir Kenneth Clark
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS WHY INTEL DELAYED
ANNOUNCING THE P5:
9. Hoped to outfox AMD this time by waiting for
them to release their 'P5' first
8. Still trying to figure out how to mount a 3
foot high cooling tower on a 2" square package
7. Marketing's prediction that all of IBM's top
executives would be killed by space aliens,
followed by IBM engineering's insistence on
a return to an Intel strategy, did not
appear to pan out
6. Sales force needs to be retrained to sell a
processor that doesn't end in "86"
4. Military insisted at the last minute on 8080
compatability mode
3. New "Break on stupid code" exception not
popular with programmers
1. Needed to hire more lawyers first
-- Paul Israel
----
"We have charts and graphs to back us up, so fuck off!"
----
"Announced today was a new operating system for the
PC. It is called `DOS/Perot'. When you boot it,
it displays a message on the screen saying it's
thinking of running. It then scans the hard drive,
looking for competing OS's. If any competing OS's
are found, it quits immediately."
-- Robert X. Cringely
----
"If there are twelve clowns in the ring, you can
jump in and start reciting Shakespeare -- but to
the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth
clown."
-- Neil Gaiman [?]
----
"I'm the Chosen One. And I choose to go shopping."
-- BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
But we can't scoff at them personally, to their
faces, and this is what annoys me."
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handy:
"When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they
must have sensed it. Probably, they got together
one evening, slapped each other on the back and
said, `Hey, good job.'"
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a
warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of
people would pick `Americans' as their mascot."
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely
mad. And then I think, `Aw, who cares?' And then
I think, `What's for supper?'"
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot
somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try
to get some weeding done, because you'd really be
surprised."
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran
away like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an
angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in
another fight, away from the first fight."
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they
choose a king, they don't just go by size, because
I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas."
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I
sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what
He's getting!"
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the
mouth part of the face."
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier
about cutting them down? We might, if they
screamed all the time, for no good reason."
----
DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handey:
"If you define cowardice as running away from
danger, screaming and tripping, and begging for
mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a
coward."
----
Selections from TOP TEN ADVANTAGES TO BEING A MALE
BAY AREA COMPUTER NERD:
10. Finally part of the "in" crowd
9. Can retrace steps of young Hewlett and Packard
8. Wear Star Trek uniform to work and receive
compliments
5. Mail order Filipina brides at West Coast
Port of Entry prices
3. "Sure glad I'm not one of those wage slaves
up in Redmond"
1. Parents still in Illinois
-- Steven Sargent and Friends
----
"New rule, Frank. Don't ever touch me!"
-- Dr. Clayton Forrester
----
"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people,
exam pressures would be put into perspective."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches
infinity."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in
pain.'"
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"I learned to put the [toilet] seat down... it
makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive
human being."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does
take your mind off your problems."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so
feel free to throw up if you have to."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with
a little bookkeeping."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"There was some brilliant work done with rats,
which makes it scientific."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"She's human... well, she's a lawyer, but
reasonably human."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my
fantasy life is my own business."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest
in it."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"The only sense I can make out of having kids is
it's a good way to become a grandparent."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"[Siamese Fighting Fish]: They're beautiful,
they're elegant, they're vicious as hell...
There's a real life lesson here somewhere."
-- Prof. Ralph Noble
----
"We do not fall in love; we grow in love, and love
grows in us."
-- Karl Menninger
----
"Learn the finer points of invective. You
Cornholed, Suppurating, Thrice-squicked Rat
Bastard."
-- Andrew Solberg
----
"PROBLEM: If you are going to swear, do so with
panache. 'Flying Fuck' and 'Fuckhead' have all
the panache of a bull elephant with a serious
fiber deficiency.
SOLUTION: Learn some new insults. For instance,
'wrenis pinkle' is very popular amongst your
Junior High colleagues, I understand."
-- Andrew Solberg
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS TO KEEP WATCHING THE
SHOW:
9. You never know when I'll come out drunk and slug
a cameraman
8. You can sit there naked. We really don't care.
7. If our viewership falls off, Little Snuggles the
fabric softener bear dies
6. If you don't, Paul will have to go back to the
Ice Capades
5. To keep G.E. executives knee-deep in hookers & gin
4. One of the killers we profile may be living next
door to YOU
3. The Wall is down. Noriega is out. Don't stop
us now.
2. So you can say you were watching the night I was
replaced by Deborah Norville
1. Because, well, I'm no good at this kind of
thing -- but Damn it, I love you!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Do you think success is
going to spoil MYSTERY
SCIENCE THEATER 3000?"
"Definitely."
"Let's hope so."
-- NPR, Joel Hodgson & Mike
Nelson
----
"If you're thirteen and you want to feel like a
happy king, you know, it's time to get therapy."
-- Mike Nelson
----
"And it's really beautiful to see a man working on
his puppet, if you haven't seen that."
-- Mike Nelson
----
"Yes. I move freely among all types of monster
people."
-- Joel Hodgson
----
AD IN THE BOSTON GLOBE:
Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of
UNIX, although they should have sufficiently good
programming taste to not consider this an
achievement.
----
"No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic
your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese
couldn't care less."
[Anonymous]
----
"I just found out that the brain is like a
computer. If that's true, then there really
aren't any stupid people. Just people running
DOS."
[Heard on VH1's "Stand Up Spotlight"]
----
"But as Alice in Chains blares over the speaker in
a Seattle bar, one can tell Treepeople are very
smart. Behind those beards, thick glasses, and
stocking caps, they don't have to fake angst.
They're from Boise and their lives really do
suck."
-- June, 1992 issue, ALTERNATIVE
PRESS
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS TO CONNECT TO THE
INTERNET:
10. Can't sleep at night anyway, might as well
get a penpal in Borneo
9. Feeling the need, the need for 45Mbps speed
8. World Champion Wrestling is fake and you
must let everyone know it
7. Nothing else to do in prison
2. More talk, less rock
1. Occasional irregularity won't hinder you
from getting good throughput
-- Tracy LaQuey Parker
----
"Every devil I meet becomes a friend of mine."
-- Indigo Girls
----
ARE GOOD COPPERS BORN OR MADE ?
OR HATCHED IN JAM JARS ?
[The first line was seen in a police ad in the Deep South; the other was
painted in]
----
"Nothing is as cruel as the righteousness of
innocents, with automatic weapons and a gospel of
the truth."
-- New Model Army
----
"I collect comic books, but I'm not one of those
geeks who collects comic books."
-- LIFE IN HELL
----
Excerpt from BATMAN III: Bruce Wayne's World:
"Party on Alfred."
"Party on Bruce."
-- Tom Galloway
----
"Is that a star?"
"Nah, it's just Ted
Danson."
[From DOC HOLLYWOOD]
----
"Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back IN."
[GODFATHER III]
----
"Take a card."
"Now what?"
"Keep it. I've got 51
left."
-- Groucho Marx, DUCK SOUP
----
"Normal people bore me -- I prefer lunatics. At
least the lunatics are committed."
-- BATMAN RETURNS
----
"When I grow up, I'm not
going to read the
newspaper and I'm not
going to follow complex
issues and I'm not going
to vote. That way I can
complain when the
government doesn't
represent me. Then, when
everything goes down the
tubes, I can say the
system doesn't work and
justify my further lack
of participation."
"An ingeniously
self-fulfilling plan."
"It's a lot more fun to
blame things than to fix
them."
-- Calvin and Hobbes
----
"So now welcome our keynote speaker, Professor
Melvin Fenwick -- the man who, back in 1952, first
coined the now-famous phrase: `Fools! I'll
destroy them all!'"
[THE FAR SIDE]
----
"I swear, you've a
fixation about that poor
man every bit as bad as
your friend Sherlock
Holmes."
"Poor? Professor
Moriarty? The Napoleon
of Crime? The most
dangerous man in London?
The organizer of half
that is criminal and
nearly all that is
undetected in this
city?"
"That's exactly what I
mean. How's the fellow
to make anything of
himself if all everyone
does is criticize?"
-- Loren D. Estleman
----
When I was a child, I was told that anyone could
become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
[Seen on T-Shirt]
----
I wasn't born Democrat, Republican, or Yesterday.
[Seen on T-Shirt]
----
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult,
[Seen on T-Shirt]
----
"America! Demand
accountability from your
entertainment!!"
"Except comics."
[BLOOM CO... err, I mean, OUTLAND]
----
"I'd give worlds if I could turn back the clock and
be one of the culturally underprivileged, like Mr.
Quayle. I'd love to have his values. It would be
nice to be so good and pure in my own life that I
knew exactly how everybody else should live
theirs. And I would be able to tell children that
the secret of success was working hard; and having
a grandmother worth $600 million didn't hurt none,
either. Those are my kind of family values.
But it's too late for me now; I read too many
books. I'm ruint. The values I pay most mind to
are truth and justice; those and being nice to
each other, including even homosexuals and hockey
fans."
-- Donald Kaul
----
WELL, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
"In Washington, the chairman of the House
Administrative Committee recently said that all
House members will have, by next year, full
interactive access to users of the Internet
computer network."
Expect a rise in readership numbers for alt.sex.kinky.
----
"There is one difference between Quayle and Murphy
Brown: Brown knows SHE'LL be back in the fall."
-- Jay Leno
----
"`When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he
wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.'
...Benefits of a classical education."
[Alan Rickman in DIE HARD]
----
"Nine million terrorists in the world, and I gotta
kill one with feet smaller'n my sister."
[DIE HARD]
----
"You won't hurt me."
"Oh yeah? Why not?"
"Because you're a
policeman. There are
rules for policemen."
"Yeah... that's what my
captain keeps tellin'
me."
[DIE HARD]
----
"The Lord's my employer,
And now he's my lawyer,
So do what you dare."
-- Stephen Sondheim, ASSASSINS
----
"I would rather gnaw my leg off, pack the bleeding
stump with salt, and run in a circle on broken
glass than have to deal with any Microsoft product
on a regular basis."
-- Dan Zimmerman
----
"Let's face it. Morning radio SUCKS... Our guys
just suck a little less."
-- Local Austin radio station
----
"For years, political humorists have joked about
Nobody for President and I'd say H. Ross Perot is
about as close as we can afford to get."
-- Herb Caen
----
"Now what would Hitler do in a situation like this?"
-- David Letterman
----
"I know of no safe depository of the ultimate
powers of the society but the people themselves;
and if we think them not enlightened enough to
exercise their control with a wholesome
discretion, the remedy is not to take it from
them, but to inform their discretions."
-- Thomas Jefferson
----
"Maurice Minnifield has never had an impure thought
about another man in his life. Well, there was
one unsettling dream where I was wrestling with
David Niven; but I swear to you -- *nothing*
happened!"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"That smile of yours makes the Mona Lisa look
self-doubting."
-- Joel to Maggie, NORTHERN
EXPOSURE
----
"All that talk about winged chariots got to me. It
was creepy; and damn moving!"
-- Maurice, NORTHERN EXPOSURE
----
"And he died like he lived: with his mouth wide
open."
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"Quayle also said there should be more honesty on
television. He said there's no way a coyote could
live after swallowing all that dynamite."
-- Johnny Carson
----
"I'm surprised, first of all, that Quayle watches
'Murphy Brown.' Isn't that opposite 'F Troop' on
cable?"
-- Johnny Carson
----
"Earlier today, in an emotionally charged press
conference in Los Angeles, Candice Bergen
announced that yes, the riots in South Central
L.A. had in fact been her fault."
-- David Letterman
----
Selections from DAN QUAYLE'S TOP 10 OTHER COMPLAINTS
ABOUT TV:
10. Practically have to be a brain surgeon to
figure out how to turn it on and off
9. They never did tell us "Who's the Boss?"
8. Even though you're screaming the answer at
the top of your lungs, Pat and Vanna just
ignore you
7. Too much joking around on "Cheers"
6. "China Beach" failed to show Vietnam War
contribution of Indiana National Guard
4. Too much liberal news coverage, too little
golf and cartoons
2. Driving chuckwagon through kitchen cabinet
looks a hell of a lot easier on TV
1. Not enough positive portrayals of really
dumb guys
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"I'll stay here and take more lithium."
-- Crow
----
"We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to
PRAY TO US!"
-- Dr. Clayton Forrester
----
"One can see [this] even more readily when one
realizes that the average Usenet poster would
stereotype and then pass moral judgement on
intestinal larvae, given the opportunity --
particularly if they were under the impression
that said grubs were male or female."
-- moi
----
"Now, the question is,
ladies... are we
precludin' free will?"
"About that time... I
began to lose the thread
of the conversation."
[The Cicely/Rosalyn episode of NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal
education."
-- Albert Einstein
----
"Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
He'll come in handy if you run out of food."
-- Dean McLaughlin
----
"Intel. Putting the 'backwards' into 'backwards
compatible'."
[Anonymous]
----
"The main difference between a computer salesman
and a used car salesman is that the used car
salesman can probably drive and knows when he's
lying."
-- Peter da Silva
----
"We experience moments absolutely free from worry.
These brief respites are called panic."
-- Cullen Hightower
----
"We would like to apologize for the way in which
politicians are represented in this programme. It
was never our intention to imply that politicians
are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are
more concerned with their personal vendettas and
private power struggles than the problems of
government, nor to suggest at any point that they
sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate
on vital matters in the mistaken impression that
party unity comes before the well-being of the
people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at
any stage that they are squabbling little toadies
without an ounce of concern for the vital social
problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that
viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous
little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an
excessive addiction to alcohol and certain
explicit sexual practices which some people might
find offensive. We are sorry if this impression
has come across."
[Monty Python]
----
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in
the process he does not become a monster. And
when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
looks into you."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
----
"Until the laws of Thermodynamics are repealed, I
shall still continue to relate outputs to inputs."
-- Paul Anthony Samuelson
----
"The more I study religions the more I am convinced
that man never worshipped anything but himself."
-- Sir Richard F. Burton
----
"Unisys has demonstrated the power of two. That's
their stock price today."
-- Scott McNealy
----
"Diane, 3 P.M. Just back from the Lydecker Clinic.
While a llama may produce some of the finest wools
prized around the world, their breath on the other
hand could only be prized somewhere in the far
reaches of llama hell."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
TRUE CASE FILES FROM THE SIFF ETIQUETTE POLICE:
"JUNE 2, 1989: 314 mental darts and dirty looks
flung at a guy who asked visiting filmmaker a
really stupid question after his film. Suspect
apprehended and forced to face a gauntlet of
similarly stupid taunts by the Festival audience
he embarrassed."
[From the 1992 Seattle International Film Festival program]
----
TRUE CASE FILES FROM THE SIFF ETIQUETTE POLICE:
"MAY 30, 1990: Party of well-heeled intellectuals
patiently wait in line for 30 minutes. When
theater opens, they politely find four seats
together and continue their erudite discussion on
the Hollywood studio system and its effect on the
French New Wave films of the early 60s until the
screening begins. After viewing titles, one
member of the group excuses her way down the row
with feigned balletic grace. Returning a few
moments later, a second group member follows,
delicately stepping on the same sets of toes. Upon
his return, a third member of the party repeats
the process. In the midst of the group's
post-screening critique, they are hustled into the
theater lobby by the exiting crowd and mummified
with institutional-grade toilet paper."
[From the 1992 Seattle International Film Festival program]
----
TRUE CASE FILES FROM THE SIFF ETIQUETTE POLICE:
"MAY 19, 1991: Tap on a Secret Festival
passholder's phone picks up conversation with his
mother in Peoria in which he reveals the title of
that day's secret film. Suspect is removed from
his home and whisked to a secret location where he
is straitjacketed and forced to watch eight hours
of `Amazing Discoveries'. Secret Festival pass
privileges revoked for life."
[From the 1992 Seattle International Film Festival program]
----
TRUE CASE FILES FROM THE SIFF ETIQUETTE POLICE:
"JUNE 5, 1991: Riot erupts when a single male
wearing double-breasted suit and Italian loafers
answers cellular phone hidden in calfskin attache
case. Audience carries suspect into alley and
beats him to a pulp. Property confiscated under
cellular phone zero-tolerance act."
[From the 1992 Seattle International Film Festival program]
----
TRUE CASE FILES FROM THE SIFF ETIQUETTE POLICE:
"MAY 20TH, 1988: Audience is engrossed in climatic
moment of world premiere from a renowned European
director when the dramatic tension is broken by
the electronic beep of a digital watch, clearly
heard throughout the theater. Bozo in the back row
is identified and immediately ejected from
third-floor fire escape."
[From the 1992 Seattle International Film Festival program]
----
"Operation Goofy now in effect!"
-- Tom Servo
----