Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Additions for 1993, Part 2 of 3] Message-ID: <1993May10.033136.21440@tc.fluke.COM> Keywords: Acres O' Quotes Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.033026.21380@tc.fluke.COM> Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:31:36 GMT Lines: 1695 Selections from TOP 10 LENSCRAFTERS EXCUSES FOR NOT HAVING YOUR GLASSES DONE IN ABOUT AN HOUR: 10. We use the word "about" to mean "give or take a day" 8. Without your glasses on, you probably misread your watch 6. Manager chugged a quart of saline solution; passed out in the nosepad closet 4. I supposed you also believe Keebler cookies are made by elves who live in a tree 3. Mr. LensCrafter don't like questions 2. We meant an hour on Neptune 1. What's it to you, four-eyes? -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEW WITH THE QUAYLES: 10. Overeager Dan started crying as interview began 9. After every good answer, Barbara gave each of them a little snack 8. Dan likes to sit in a trash bag and play Biosphere II 6. He repeatedly asked the video technicians, "You guys making a movie?" 2. His shock at learning all those Dan Quayle jokes are about him 1. The way Dan kept referring to Walters as "Oprah" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE BOUGHT A BAD CAR: 10. As you drive it off the lot, you see all the salesmen wildly high-fiving each other 9. It fails the emissions test even when its not running 8. Don't have enough power to get over speed bumps 7. Owner's manual includes several prayers 4. So-called "decorative floor mats" just flattened Cap'n Crunch boxes 3. Blinking light on dashboard reads, "Get out of car now!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 DUTIES OF THE NEW GUY ON THE SUPREME COURT: 9. Summarize "L.A. Law" at Friday morning meeting 7. Distribute profits from Supreme Court Action Figures 6. Quietly endure coarse sexual comments from his superior, Sandra Day O'Connor 4. Drive the truck under the Supreme Court Rose Bowl float 3. Feed the Supreme Cat -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SECOND HALF CHEERS OF DENVER BRONCO FANS: 10. Hold 'em under a hundred! 8. All we need is 25 field goals! 7. Oh, for the sweet release of death! 6. Drug tests! Drug tests! 5. Dig-ni-tee! Dig-ni-tee! Leave us with our dig-ni-tee! 3. Start the bus! Start the bus! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT OUR FIRST SHOW: 10. "I think he used to play Chip on `My Three Sons'." 7. "Oh no! Not Kamarr the Magician!" 5. "When's he gonna take out those gag teeth?" 3. "I can't believe Lord Melman would stoop to doing American television." 1. "He's no Dinah." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS REAGAN DOES REMEMBER: 10. He used to live in a big white house 9. That bastard Sam Donaldson 5. The name, address, and Social Security number of each and every one of his black supporters 4. If you need a hooker, call Bill Holden 3. 4:30 -- time for Wapner! 2. That Jodie Foster is a real trouble maker -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS: 8. "Uh oh. The guys from Price Waterhouse are talking to Pete Rose." 7. "Yes, Mr. Ebert, I am gonna finish this sandwich." 4. "Hey! Get your hand out of ... Oh, Mr. Beatty, so nice to meet you." 2. "Hey look! The Little Mermaid is drunk!" 1. "I'm Dorothy Chandler -- I'm mad as hell and I want you all out of my pavilion right now!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REASONS IRAQ WANTS AN ATOMIC BOMB: 10. To impress the babes 9. Already spent a lot of money on a beautiful leather atomic bomb case 5. To get Iran to turn down the damn music 4. Conventional warfare went out with bellbottoms 2. When some son-of-a-bitch in a Porsche cuts us off on the freeway -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU AUDITED: 10. Using one of those "love" stamps 9. Have taxes done by stupid, incompetent H. Block instead of by smart, reliable R. Block 5. Including handwritten coupon good for one "super-duper back rub" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 EXCUSES FOR NOT FILLING OUT THE CENSUS: 8. You can't even win anything 6. Thought going to the window and yelling "Here!" was good enough 5. Wasn't sure if, like on Jeopardy, answers had to be in form of a question 3. Hoping one of the census babes will come to my house in person 1. Hey! I took part in "Hands Across America" -- you should've just counted us then -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "Spelling on Usenet is like dancing at the Republican National Convention; badly executed, occasionally funny to watch, but for the most part completely ignored." -- Christian Wagner ---- "Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up." [Bart on THE SIMPSONS] ---- Contemplations on Life in the Marvel Comics Universe: "... in a world where every third person is a mutant and alien invasions happen every other Tuesday, the National Inquirer would be one of the more respected papers." -- David Tanguay ---- Selections from TOP 10 REASONS WE STOPPED DOING THE TOP 10 LIST FOR A WHILE: 10. Kids spilled Pepsi in Top 10 machine 9. Too busy working on slogan, "Pork: The Other White Meat" 8. Got tired of people calling me "Top 10 Boy" 7. Torn rotator cuff 6. Lazy American writers too hungover to work 5. Had crazy idea people would enjoy more banter with Paul 4. Drunken vagrant we bought them from disappeared in the marsh -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED PEPSI SLOGANS: 10. Sodium benzoate -- always had it, always will 9. When R.C. Cola's just not good enough! 8. Guaranteed to attract yellowjackets 7. The mild corrosive you can drink! 3. The new official soft drink of Clarence Thomas 2. Enough caffeine to make Buddy Ebsen mambo -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS THE COMPANY YOU WORK FOR IS GOING UNDER: 9. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover 8. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably 6. The initials of your company are "G.M." 5. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm 2. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires 1. You get a lot of memos in Japanese -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 QUESTIONS ASKED BY THE COSMONAUT: 9. "Where can I redeem all these empty Bud cans?" 8. "Can I please have sex with you immediately?" 7. "What do you mean -- the McRib is back?" 6. "What were all those flashing lights around the Kennedy compound?" 1. "Anybody got a mint?" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 ATTRACTIONS AT THE NEW EURODISNEY: 10. Chain-Smoking, Unshowered Mickey 8. Huey, Louie, and Dewey Menage a Trois 7. Snow White and the Seven Collaborators 5. French version of Jiminy Cricket who bites American kids 4. The Preserved Body of Walt Disney Inside a Flaky Pastry Crust 3. Neo-Nazis of the Caribbean 2. Donald Duck a L'Orange 1. Beauty and the Beast French Kissing -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 OTHER WAYS THE AIRLINES ARE ATTRACTING PASSENGERS: 10. New "cockpit fare" gives you chance to test your skills at the controls 7. All flight crews now include at least one "Star Trek" cast member 2. One window left open so you can drop stuff -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED FORMS OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: 9. Chamber full of hyperactive knife-wielding monkeys 8. Getting flattened by monster truck in front of huge pay-per-view audience 7. Forced marriage to Jerry Lee Lewis 6. Replacing the fine coffee the prisoner ordinarily drinks with cyanide 5. Showing you reruns of "Perfect Strangers" -- until you die laughing! 2. Cajun-style pan-frying 1. Electric car window guillotine -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED PLOTS FOR THE FINAL EPISODE OF "The Cosby Show": 9. After prosecuting Gotti, Clair gets whacked 8. It turns out Dr. Huxtable has fathered over 100 children at his fertility clinic 7. Whole group settles down to view a tape of GHOST DAD 6. Family learns that Cliff's colorful sweaters have given them radiation poisoning 5. Rudy gets in trouble when she tells her father, "Jell-O sucks!" 3. Alien creature explodes from Theo's stomach and eats everyone 2. Family watches hilarious double episode of "The Simpsons" 1. Thanks to the Skipper, they're finally rescued! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 HORRIFYING SECRETS ABOUT H. ROSS PEROT: 10. Has "Love" tattooed on one hand, "Hate" on the other 5. Believes Regis and Kathie Lee are talking directly to him 4. Favorite song: "Baby I'm a Want You" 3. Something sinister about his "advisor" Professor Diablo 1. Was the cowboy in the Village People -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS MIKE TYSON DOES TO PASS THE TIME IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT: 9. Earns extra cash writing term papers for local college kids 4. Lies on floor and spins in circle like Curly 2. Plans escape route to Bangkok in time for Friday's Miss Universe Pageant -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED PLOTS FOR THE FINAL "Golden Girls": 10. Doctor Kevorkian drops by for a visit 9. Bea Arthur tests positive for steroids 8. They all develop hysterical pregnancies 7. Rue McClanahan finally breaks up with Bill Clinton 6. A mistake at the pharmacy gets the girls hooked on crack 4. In a grisly mix-up, the girls get too much fiber 2. During a hot flash, Betty White kills a guy -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 HIGHLIGHTS OF OUR UPCOMING SEASON FINALE: 10. I get bit by a stupid pet trick: hover hear death for rest of hour 8. Our drummer Anton Fig falls down a well; nation rallies around rescue attempts 5. Guy who bounces soccer ball on head found brutally murdered 4. Marv Albert brings on reel of hilarious Mike Tyson prison bloopers 2. Japanese network buys NBC -- for parts! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE U.N. SEX STUDY: 9. Paulina Porizkova actually sleeps with Ric Ocasek 8. When reaching sexual climax, 45% of women shout the word, "Ebert" 4. It wouldn't kill Warren Beatty to lose 10 pounds 2. A woman in the United States has an orgasm every 3.4 seconds -- and that woman never gets any housework done! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING IN IRAQ RIGHT NOW: 10. Practically no lines and Baghdad Aqua-Park and Super-Slide 7. Guys filling sandbags down at the barracks know all the latest Quayle jokes 6. Blasts from bombs may make the veils of hot babes fly off 5. At least everyone has stopped talking about that damn "Twin Peaks" show 4. If you're one of those people who really like giant posters of Saddam Hussein, the place is like Disneyland 1. It's still safer than New York City -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REAL REASONS WE'RE BEING DELAYED TONIGHT: 9. Carson show ran long. Ed couldn't stop laughing. 8. Had to annul my weekend marriage to Tyne Daly 6. John Chancellor concluded his news commentary by singing long version of "American Pie" 4. Surprise walk-ons by Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Bonnie Franklin had to be edited out for legal reasons -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED GIMMICKS FOR DOUBLEMINT GUM: 9. The double-bypass twins 8. The Doublemint pack of vicious dogs that knock over garbage cans and bite kids 7. The one dentist out of five who doesn't recommend Trident 6. The Doublemint bachelor and his longtime companion 5. MacNeil and Lehrer, those gum-loving newshounds -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 HEADLINES IN TODAY'S BAGHDAD NEWSPAPERS (during Desert Storm): 10. Odd Western Custom of Relentlessly Dropping Bombs To Say "I Surrender" Continues 9. Mix-up at Baby Milk Factory Actually Produces Baby Milk 8. American Team Loses Superbowl 7. Letter Bombs Go Up to 29 Cents 5. Elvis Is Living in My Bunker (Baghdad Enquirer) 4. Build Your Own Scud! See Lifesytyle Section 3. America Demoralized By Letterman's 9th Anniversary 2. Victory Parade Rescheduled 1. Big Lotto Winner Announced: Hussein Again! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS THE IRAQI MILITARY IS CRACKING (during Desert Storm): 9. Patriotic messages on Baghdad radio replaced with 12-in-a-row from Motley Crue 8. Everyone in Republican Guard now going by name "Dorothy" 7. Dan Quayle's father getting thousands of pleading phonecalls from Iraqi troops 5. Deserters describe widespread fear that U.S. is bringing in Chuck Norris 3. French ambassador seen coaching Baghdad officials on how to snivel and give up 1. American soldiers' cries of "Tastes great!" no longer trigger Iraqi response of "Less filling!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 WAYS TO LURE HUSSEIN OUT OF HIS BUNKER: 9. Bribe paper boy to toss paper far from bunker door 7. $10 bill on a 100-mile string 5. Have Ed McMahon at front door ready to personally hand him a check for one million dollars 2. Send in the ghost of Lorne Greene 1. Drop open bottle of Cher's perfume down ventilator shaft -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS THE EMIR HAS TO DO NOW THAT HE'S BACK IN KUWAIT: 10. Pick up goat from kennel 9. Open the 50 letters he's gotten from Ed McMahon 6. Drive around Kuwait City yelling, "How'm I doing?" at pedestrians 3. Go down to Hallmark shop to get nice card for George Bush reading, "Thanks for saving my ass" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from MST3K's SUPERGROUP OF ALL SUPERHEROES: Jazz Trio Man [able to trade fours with himself] The Human Dog [The Awsome Power of] Absorbine Sr. Super Rae Dawn Chong Super Dana Andrews Endowment Woman Easy Does It with 12 Step Man Middle Aged Boy The Incredible Adventures of Bobby van Luke and His Radioactive Sweatervest Uncle Roger, The Airline Steward Porter Wagner [not Super Porter Wagner] Dr. Doorknob and His Incredible Electromagnetic Thing Larry King [he'd need a really good guest] Johnny Action Fingers [MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000] ---- "Whatever we see, wherever we go, It's perfectly clear how little we know." -- Pete Ham ---- "We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his own facts." -- Patrick Moynihan ---- "Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively, have to stay up all night." -- Diane Reamy ---- "I dream of the day when conservatives learn the difference between a sin and a crime and liberals learn the difference between a virtue and a requirement." -- William A. Niskanen ---- "For an adult reader, the possible verdicts are five: I can see this is good and I like it; I can see this is good but I don't like it; I can see this is good and, though at present I don't like it, I believe that with perseverance I shall come to like it; I can see that this is trash but I like it; I can see that this is trash and I don't like it." -- W.H. Auden, A CERTAIN WORLD ---- San Jose Mercury News, 1/27/93: "Federal agents arrested a number of Mexican nationals who were attempting to smuggle primates back to their homeland. Those arrested included the director of zoos and parks for the interior of Mexico. The arrests were made at the Opa-Locka airport as the smugglers took possession of what they thought was one of the primates they had earlier examined. In fact, it was a federal agent *dressed in a gorilla suit* in a cage marked LIVE ANIMAL." ---- "The technique he used was Power Wistfulness. Remember the old comic strip Dondi, starring the little syndicated orphan boy who always looked heartbreakingly sad and orphanous and never got adopted, possibly because he had eye sockets the size of manhole covers? Well, my son looked like that." -- Dave Barry ---- "As part of the company's recent austerity drive, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice." [Seen locally] ---- Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WON'T BE RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT: 10. At fund-raising dinners guests ask you, "Can we have some more butter please?" 9. Whenever you use phrase. "If I'm re-elected" in speech, crowd bursts into 10 minutes of uproarious laughter 6. When you ask your campaign manager advice, he shrugs and says, "Beats me" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD DURING BILL CLINTON'S SPEECH: 9. "I'm sorry, sir. There's no 'Mondale' on the guest list." 8. "I can't believe this! He's staring right at me! He wants me to come on stage and dance with him!" 5. "Damn! Why can't I change the channel? Oh, because I'm actually here." 4. "Run for your lives - it's Woodrow Wilson!" 3. "I wish they'd stop pointing the TV cameras at me whenever he says something about gay rights." 2. "Let's go Dukakis - those balloons aren't gonna inflate themselves." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE CLINTON/GORE CAMPAIGN BUS: 8. "My lifelong dream: entering a Howard Johnson's through a bus lane" 7. "I forgot again - am I Thelma or Louise?" 5. "Never mind my energy policy - let's see if this whale can do 100!" 2. "Look out! It's Ben Vereen!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REASONS BUSH SHOULD DUMP QUAYLE: 10. Getting harder and harder to drag him away from his ant farm 9. Dairy Queen now hiring 8. Too time-consuming for Pentagon to prepare all his briefings in comic-book format 2. With advancing age, he's starting to lose his keen intellectual edge 1. Throws like a girl -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 WAYS BUSH CAN STILL WIN THE ELECTION: 10. Bomb the living crap out of Norway 8. Start calling himself the "bed-ucation President" 4. Go around throwing up on bad guys 2. Stop referring to James Baker as his "longtime companion" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE REAGAN SPEECH: 9. His statement that "maybe we should give communism a try" 8. Reference to Dan Quayle as "somebody I wouldn't mind sharing a bunk with" 7. Suggestion that Bush start working on his concession speech 5. He turned Bush on to Halcion -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISING REVELATIONS IN THE NEW COLUMBUS MOVIE: 9. Had touch football games on deck between guys who thought Earth was round and guys who thought Earth was flat 8. Boat was full of exciting celebrity stowaways 7. Right before spotting land Columbus quenched thirst with can of refreshing Pepsi 2. Crew often beat him up for wearing brightly colored tights -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS EURODISNEY IS LOSING MONEY: 10. Costumed characters now beg visitors for food 8. Huey, Dewey, and Louie taking year off from college to work in salmon-packing plant 6. All French staff suddenly very courteous 5. Goofy just doesn't give a damn anymore 3. Cinderella's Castle now plastered with ads for Red Man chewing tobacco -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE CHESS MORE EXCITING: 9. Under one of the squares on the chessboard: the Daily Double! 6. Get rid of Fay Vincent 5. Have that Madonna play - she'll find some way to jazz it up, believe you me 1. Mystery exploding piece -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REASONS PEROT MAY RE-ENTER THE RACE: 9. Mind control ray from planet Saturn once again coming through loud and clear 8. When asked if he could win, Magic Eight Ball said, "Yes, definitely" 5. Whenever he takes garbage out, wife says, "I'll bet the *president* doesn't have to do that" 4. He's found some qualified homosexuals and adulterers to fill his cabinet -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 OTHER MEDICAL REVELATIONS: 10. Certs not really two mints in one 9. We're using 100% of our brains all the time; things aren't going to get any better 6. Turns out Norwegians are much, much dumber than Swedes 5. Scientists actually can't tell one damn lab rat from another 1. Most perfect food? Salami -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 WAYS QUAYLE PREPARED FOR THE DEBATE: 9. Had hole drilled in skull to let out some of the pressure 8. Bought enough candy to last 90 minutes 7. Read book of inspirational stories about dumb guys who went up against smart guys - and won! 5. Streamlined story of time his National Guard unit was pinned down for hours by a scrappy dachshund 2. Reread his "How a Bill Becomes a Law" comic book -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISES IN LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE: 9. The way Tipper kept making out with Michael Bolton in front row 5. The way Gore's family kept yelling, "Good answer! Good answer!" 4. All three candidates agree that Madonna is a slut 3. When an angry Buddy Ebsen stood up in the audience and demanded his hair back from Stockdale 2. Al Gore's got bigger thighs than Bette Midler -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 WAYS BUSH PLANNED TO DISRUPT PEROT'S DAUGHTER'S WEDDING: 10. When bride says, "I do," yell, "Speak up, tubby!" 9. Exercise little-known presidential "wedding veto" 8. Get drunk, get up on stage, and sing, "You and Me Against the World" 7. Three words: Rev. Rip Taylor 6. Airdrop doctored photos of Perot nailing a metermaid 5. Replace ushers with incontinent monkeys 4. Have Dan Quayle stand in back of church and yell, "I had her!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REASONS CLINTON IS LOSING HIS LEAD: 9. Bad idea to tell Larry King, "I'm going to tax these pinheads till they're drier than Death Valley." 6. Bush's new campaign promise to neuter that guy in the Burger King commercials 2. More and more people like the idea of a tiny insane billionaire running things -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 MISTAKES IN BUSH'S CAMPAIGN STRATEGY: 10. Ill-advised speech at every campaign stop entitled, "Screw You and Your Miserable Little Lives" 8. Fitzwater in a miniskirt 6. Scheduled Desert Storm a year too early 2. Senseless negative ads showing Dukakis shoplifting -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 THOUGHTS ON RONALD REAGAN'S MIND AT THIS MOMENT: 10. "I guess it's true what they say: 'Hand in toaster - bad.'" 9. "Reach out, turn shiny knob, door will open." 6. "Now... where do I bury the mailman's body?" 2. "Yeah, yeah, I heard you, you old bag." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 TIPS BUSH GAVE CLINTON TODAY: 7. Nation's water supply plus methadone equals a couple weeks of peace and quiet 6. Sushi - bad 5. Two or three cocktails and Yeltsin will sign anything 4. If you're going to bomb the crap out of some small country, do it right before the election -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REASONS "Cheers" IS GOING OFF THE AIR: 9. It's all part of NBC's master plan to stay in third place 8. Ego of that postman guy out of control, constantly storms off set shouting, "I _am_ Cheers!" 6. Unlike this show, they decided to quit when they ran out of ideas 3. Ted Danson's toupee even more obvious than mine -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 REASONS FOR [Letterman] LEAVING NBC: 10. Heads CBS, tails CBS 8. At the last minute, CBS kicked in a new set of Michelins 7. I've stolen as many GE bulbs as I can fit in the garage 6. In order to grow as an artist, I feel it's important to do the same crap over at CBS 5. Tired of being sexually harassed by Bryant 2. CBS had the best Amy Fisher movie 1. They insist I wear pants -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "As I speak right now, stage crews are stealing as much as possible." -- David Letterman ---- "She flattened Dear John with a John Deere." [PICKET FENCES] ---- "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." -- Gene Spafford ---- "Jesus never heard of Beethoven and Bach. Why aren't we playing more country music in church?" -- Professor Tex Sample, St. Paul School of Theology of Kansas City. ---- "We are America. These other people are not America." -- Rich Bond, Chairman, GOP ---- "[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." -- Joseph Campbell ---- "UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things." -- Doug Gwyn ---- "Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code." -- Dave Olson ---- "The main reason for switching to Object-Oriented Programming is to keep your head from exploding." -- Pope Clifton ---- "Captain, please stay. Due to excessive instancing, the genetic patterns of my people are identical. Without variety, our species is threatened with extinction. If you do not impregnate all the young women on our planet, we are doomed." "If there is one law that we live by, it is that all species have the right to survive. Bones, help me service all these women." "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a fire hydrant." -- Keith Bostic ---- "My favorite description of the British Invasion was a friend who summed up the DC and Marvel UK stuff by saying, `DC got the equivalent of Monty Python and Marvel wound up with Benny Hill. The frightening thing is that both companies are happy with what they got.'" -- Lance Smith ---- "[The Republican Convention] was akin to being congealed in a traffic jam behind a bus belching diesel fumes, and on the bus' bumper, smack in your line of sight, is one of those nagging stickers asking, `Have you hugged your kids today?'" -- George Will ---- "I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. I wonder how Richie died?" "Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life." -- THE SIMPSONS ---- "Fun? You want fun? Try sending Dan Quayle a Where's Waldo book, sit back and watch his head explode. Now THAT'S fun!" -- Mark Pennington ---- "God save the Queen. With kids like hers, she needs it!" -- NEXP ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- November 26th "Superman dies, probably as a result of wearing the same underwear for 50 years." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- November 5th "In post-election activity, President Bush, insisting that he is `not bitter at all', orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike against his own campaign headquarters." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- October 23rd "In the third presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to give every single voter a briefcase full of money, then clean the voter's garage, while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi's mom from the hunters. George Bush says that Clinton is Satan. Ross Perot says you can't feed grits to a dead hog." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- October 19th "In the second presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to increase spending on the inner cities, suburbs, rural areas, the wilderness, the ozone layer and the asteroid belt, while at the same time eliminating government waste and heart disease. George Bush says Clinton is a communist whoremonger. Ross Perot says you have to bale hay while the tractor is warm." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- October 13th "In the first of four presidential debates, Bill Clinton promises to increase spending for jobs, education, health care, the environment, the infrastructure, the outfrastructure and parking, while at the same time reducing the deficit and cutting taxes for the middle class. Bush says Clinton is a bozo. Ross Perot says it's time to cut bait and talk turkey. All three candidates perform well in the Swimsuit Competition." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- September 29th "True Item: Police arrest Eric Adam Kaplan, a candidate for the Florida Legislature, and charge him with firing five bullets into the home of his opponent, incumbent Bob Starks, and wounding Starks' wife in the leg. Kaplan is immediately hired to direct Pat Buchanan's 1996 campaign." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- September 28th "The political world is thrown into an uproar when Ross Perot, having thwarted the intergalactic plot to mess up his daughter's wedding, hints he may re-enter the presidential race. He invites Bush and Clinton campaign officials to visit him and indicate their views by spelling out words with their tongues on his shoes." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- September 25th "In a landmark ruling, an Orlando, Fla., judge declares that a 12-year-old boy has the right to select his own parents. He selects Marge and Homer Simpson." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- September 10th "In a controversial decision, Madonna wins the Miss America Pageant." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- September 2nd "International arms monitors voice renewed concern when an operable nuclear warhead from the former Soviet Union shows up in the Action Figures section of a Passaic, N.J., Toys `R' Us." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 24th "Hurricane Andrew hits the mainland, setting in motion one of the largest domestic relief efforts in U.S. history as public and private organizations send in billions of dollars, tons of supplies, thousands of relief workers, and an estimated two insurance adjustors." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 21st "In a widely praised speech accepting his renomination, President Bush, showing a new awareness of the task ahead, pledges to `think up some programs or something.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 20th "At the Republican Convention, it's Traditional Family Values night, as delegates burn a suspected witch." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 19th "Pat Buchanan gives the Bush-Quayle ticket a nice boost, appealing to a broad spectrum of Americans with a speech entitled, `Vote For Us; We're Better Than You.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 18th "As the Republican Party, facing an uphill fight, gathers in Houston for a crucial convention, millions of issues-conscious American voters focus their full attention on Woody Allen and Mia Farrow." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 7th "True Item: The Environmental Protection Agency declares that lawn mowers are a source of air pollution. All over America, deeply concerned guys have no choice but to abandon their grass-cutting plans and take planet-saving naps." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 6th "In Olympic basketball, the Dream Team defeats an invading force of Atomic Death Robots From The Planet Dorg." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- August 5th "By a 27-18 vote, the Supreme Court rules that, once on the island, Gilligan is not legally required to obey orders from the Skipper." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 29th "In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team defeats the Republic of Zwit 563-4, with Charles Barkley scoring 153 points before being ejected late in the second quarter for arson." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 22nd "The Colombian government's commitment to the War on Drugs comes into question after Pablo Escobar, the world's leading cocaine dealer, manages to escape from the Envigado prison, along with nine henchmen, by telling guards he needs to retrieve his Frisbee." July 28th "In the War on Drugs, the hideout of Pablo Escobar is located and surrounded by 2,000 Colombian troops, but the wily cocaine lord manages to make his escape after shouting, `Your fly is down!'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 16th "Ross Perot, sacrificing personal gratification to save the nation from the devastation that would inevitably result from the international conspiracy to mess up his daughter's wedding, announces that he does not wish to be president, forcing many of his followers to turn to their second choice, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. The surprise announcement sends a wave of elation through the Democratic convention in New York, where new nominee Bill Clinton, launching into his acceptance speech, boldly declares that he loves his mom." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 10th "Eric Sevareid goes to heaven, where he will be constantly mistaken for God." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 9th "The U.N. Security Council meets in a closed session with representatives of the CIA, the FBI, the Mafia, the Trilateral Commission, the Justice League of America and the Fantastic Four to finalize secret plans for messing up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 8th "In a hopeful development involving the international debt crisis, Brazil promises world bankers that it will pay them their money `tomorrow.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 2nd "Financially troubled Braniff Airlines suddenly ceases operations, but officials assure nervous passengers that most flights `should be able to glide to safety.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- July 1st "With the economy mired in a recession and Democrats preparing to nominate a highly skilled campaigner in Bill Clinton, Republican Party strategists realize that their only realistic hope for guaranteeing George Bush's re-election is to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- June 27th "EPA head William Reilly is arrested for whaling. Education Vice President Quayle explains to a Detroit high-school science class that airplanes can fly because of `big bees in the wings.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- June 15th "President Bush's brain trust, seeking some positive press coverage, shrewdly decides to send the President to Panama, where he is welcomed by happy natives who stage an enthusiastic welcoming demonstration until they are driven off by tear gas." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- June 12th "In a landmark decision, a federal judge in Los Angeles rules that if the National Endowment for the Arts is going to use taxpayers' money to buy art, the taxpayers should get to decide what KIND of art." June 13th "The National Endowment for the Arts purchases 3.4 million paintings of dogs playing poker." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- June 10th "New `Tonight Show' host Jay Leno welcomes special guest George Bush, who seeks to improve his image among younger voters by performing `Smoke on the Water' on the ukulele. " ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- June 8th "By an unfortunate coincidence, the annual `Tailhook' convention of naval aviators happens to be booked into the same Las Vegas hotel as the Association of Women Karate Instructors. `I had no idea,' states one observer, "`hat an aviator could fly that far without an aircraft.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- June 3rd "Bill Clinton, seeking to improve his image among young voters, goes on `The Arsenio Hall Show' and, after donning a pair of dark sunglasses, smokes a joint." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- May 22nd "In Los Angeles, a judge orders police officers acquitted of beating Rodney King to be re-tried, this time by a jury that is not legally blind. At the White House, Dan Quayle is bitten by Millie, best-selling author and unwed mother." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- May 20th "In a major policy address, Dan Quayle points out that Dumbo's mom was unwed, thereby touching off riots in four major cities. On the `Tonight Show,' Johnny's guests include Marky Mark and the Joint Chiefs of Staff." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- May 18th "Lawrence Welk passes away, but this is not expected to affect his performing skills." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- April 29th "Riots erupt in Los Angeles after residents obtain an advance copy of the `Murphy Brown' script in which she becomes an unwed mother." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- April 25th "Ross Perot announces that his plan to fix the country up has been delayed because some parts had to be back-ordered, but it should arrive `within a couple of weeks.' His polls soar." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- April 14th "Bill Clinton's political strategists, concerned that Hillary could be hurting the campaign by appearing to harbor opinions, enroll her in the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, where she is confined to the much-feared Heloise Unit." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- April 9th "Great Britain elects an entire new government following a campaign that took less time, total, than U.S. politicians will need, later in the year, to agree on a debate format." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- April 2nd "True Item: Scientists announce the discovery of a massive, 1,500-year-old fungus in Michigan. It covers at least 37 acres, making it the largest living thing on Earth, after Rush Limbaugh." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- April 2nd "In New York, John Gotti is convicted on all 13 counts of racketeering and murder; the judge, in an unusual sentence, orders him `to be more careful next time.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- March 9th "True Item: Led by the Surgeon General, U.S. doctors call on R.J. Reynolds to dump the `Old Joe' cartoon camel as a symbol for Camel cigarettes, on the grounds that it has great appeal to children." March 14th "In a heartwarming display of concern for the health of the young, R.J. Reynolds announces that it will dump `Old Joe', and that Camels will henceforth be represented by `Old Kermit the Frog.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- March 1st "Pat Buchanan wins the Austrian primary." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- February 26th "In Washington, the Supreme Court, in a landmark 9-8 decision, rules that if you pass `GO', you don't HAVE to collect the $200." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- February 20th "Appearing on `Larry King Live', H. Ross Perot announces that if his supporters put him on the ballot in all 50 states, he will have them all investigated." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- February 7th "President Bush, responding to allegations that his use of the potent sleeping-pill Halcion has caused him to act erratically, angrily tells reporters that they are `big Methodist spiders.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- February 1st "In sports, heavyweight rocket scientist Mike Tyson KO's himself." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- January 16th "One year after the outbreak of the Gulf War, defeated and crestfallen dictator Saddam Hussein marks the occasion by attending the Invitational Kurd Shoot." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1992 IN REVIEW -- January 5th "True item: A Florida state appeals court rules that Broward County Sheriff Nick Navarro has to stop an operation under which sheriff-department personnel MANUFACTURED CRACK COCAINE, then sold it to citizens, then arrested these citizens for buying it, because of course drugs are bad and need to be eliminated." ---- Selections from TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR DC COMICS: 8. THE NEW DC: Reminding Gaiman Why He Kept Creative Control 6. THE NEW DC: A Mandate For Change 5. THE NEW DC: Stop Us Before We Plot Again! 4. THE NEW DC: Because You Can't Spell "Disappointing Crap" Without DC! 1. THE NEW DC: Can't _Anybody_ Stop Us? -- Michael Schiffer ---- "Hoooh! That was weird! I was walking down a long hallway... and at the end of it was a bright light...and a kind man with a beard reaching his hand out to me! Beckoning me! And he looked at me...as I got closer and he said,...`Hey, buddy! Can you spare some change? I want a cup of coffee!'" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Oh, everything's a joke with you." [MST3K] ---- "A robot watches a bad film. It renders him...unconscious. Next...on Rescue... 911." -- MST3K ---- "Ah, excuse me, I just gotta mate with a Tilt-A-Whirl here." [MST3K during a Gammera movie] ---- "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." -- Elisabeth Riba ---- "Joseph Wambaugh, your honor -- defender of justice!" [The dean of the legal system, on PICKET FENCES] ---- WHAT IF FELLINI HAD DIRECTED _STAR_WARS_?: "Once Luke shows up in the canteen on Tatoinne, instead of going out to save the universe, he would have a series of love affairs with progressively more bizarre aliens, without ever leaving the canteen. (Except, of course, in baroque fantasy sequences.) In the end, he would wander out into the desert, mumbling something existential. This is much more entertaining than the Antonioni STAR WARS, in which Luke would have spent the entire film wandering about the desert, mumbling something existential." -- Peter Reiher ---- "You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much." -- Anonymous ---- "The 1% law states that 1% of any population falls into the bottom percentile. (I haven't been offered a Nobel prize for this discovery, but I live in hope.)" -- Dani Zweig ---- "[Seen on] a kid's Halloween costume (Superman) - stitched into the cape was a tag saying, `Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly'." -- Barry Brumitt ---- Selections from WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR: MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church. Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard. Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet. OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town. -- Marc Evans ---- "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." -- Abraham Lincoln ---- "The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter." -- Winston Churchill ---- Any silly little soul Easily can pick a hole. -- I SAW ESAU ---- "He faced the galloping hordes, A hundred bad guys with swords; Who sent those goons to their lords? Why, Prince Ali!" ---- One fine day in the middle of the night Two dead men got up to fight. A blind man came to see fair play, A dumb man came to shout hurray. -- I SAW ESAU ---- "Tell me then, son... can you control it?" "Mr. Lombard! It's not like that, *honest*! I have the utmost respect for your daughter! I'd never try anything she didn't..." "No, silly! He meant your psychic abilities." [MADMAN ADVENTURES] ---- "Suddenly I just got this kind of mystical vision. There was this sorta big black bird shouting at me." "Really? Cool. What was it saying?" "DRIVE on the RIGHT! You'll KILL us ALL! Drive on the GODDAMNED *RIGHT*! **AAAAAAGH**!" [The "Delirium learns to Drive" episode of SANDMAN] ---- "Gosh, I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts." "My dissertation on ethics was VERY well received." [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "I'm a simple man, Hobbes." "You? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!" "I'm a simple man with complex tastes." [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "The whole subject area is rife with speculation and half-baked ideas, some of which are my own." -- H. Finlayson ---- "I've noticed that comic book superheros usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don't superheroes go after more subtle, realistic bad guys?" "Yeah, the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff." "Hmmm... I think I see the problem." "`Quick! To the Bat-Fax!'" [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "It was also the year of a spectacular Republican miscalculation -- despite numbers that clearly showed the GOP's problems from early in the contest. At the Republican National Convention in Houston, Republican's bet heavily that the typical American woman resembled Marilyn Quayle." -- David Sarasohn ---- "An' that's when they ran you outta town." "No. That's when the bad prunes kicked in." ---- Selections from TOP TEN OTHER WAYS SUPERMAN COULD PASS ON: 8. Loses drunken Russian Roulette game with Batman 7. Beaten to death by crazed "entrepreneurs" 6. Undercooks pork with heat vision 3. Enters "George Hamilton Tanning Competition" in red sun solar system 2. Commits suicide after playing Judas Priest album backwards 1. Mistakenly orders "Happy Meal" with Kryptonite shake -- A.P. News Service ---- WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT THE UNIVERSITY: 1. Because He had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done since ? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat His results. 9. Reputation for taking credit, while ascribing blame to former colleague. 10. Routinely has minions do his teaching for him. -- Alon Efrat (with additions by Craig Kolb) ---- Computer Dweeb For Choice... [Just something I saw and liked] ---- "We're here, we're pissed and we're not going shopping!" [Sign at an abortion rights demonstration] ---- "I could feel her smile in my hip pocket." [Unknown] ---- "It is caffeine alone that sets my mind in motion. It is through beans of java that thoughts acquire speed, that hands acquire shakes, that shakes become a warning...I am...IN CONTROL...OF MY ADDICTION!" [Grafitti found during a MiniCon] ---- "You're going to die." "What?!" "You're going to die." "When?! Why?!" "You smoke too much." -- Marilyn on NORTHERN EXPOSURE ---- "It's a fact, Marilyn, that within a very small range of error you can predict a M.D.'s entire personality based upon his or her field of specialization. Orthopedists are butchers, hammer and nail guys. Radiologists, country clubbers. Gas passers tend not to speak English, but female pediatricians fall somewhere between Jane Fonda and candy stripers in heat." -- Dr. Joel Fleischman [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "All that coitus taking place under one roof is a little disconcerting." [Maurice, on NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "I think of it like a prison. It's a terrible, dreadful place; but you might meet some nice people." -- Dr. Joel Fleischman ---- "It's the same with white people. They cleared the forests, they dug up the land, and they gave us the flu. But, they also brought power tools, and penicillin... and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream." "You know about Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream?" "I've seen ads." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to." -- Dave Barry ---- "Aladdin, you have just won the heart of the princess. What are you going to do next?" [Michael Eisner's favorite joke from ALADDIN] ---- "Bagels can be an enormous force for good or for evil. It is up to us to decide how we will use them." -- Daniel M. Pinkwater ---- "When you remove the pin, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend." -- Louis Galvez ---- "From the world of motion pictures, a new exciting motion picture coming to the United States in November in time for Thanksgiving. It's the Walt Disney production of `Aladdin'.... Here in New York City it will be released under the title, however, of `Rub This!'." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "If nobody said anything unless he knew what he was talking about, a ghastly hush would descend upon the Earth." -- Sir Alan Herbert ---- "President Bush -- a man who has said 'Change' more times than Madonna has said 'Yes'." -- Jeff Greenfield ---- "Ed, are you hallucinating?" "Huh? Oh... yeah, but not right now." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting." -- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu ---- "I'M not the one who's talking about hot-waxing the Elephant Man here." "DROP DEAD, Fleischman!" [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "The Distinguishing marks of True Bedworthiness in the Male: I find them to consist in the presence of Three Grand Assumptions -- and it is to be noted that they must be present *as* assumptions, and not as propositions, assertions, or boasts, for the Bedworthiness lies precisely in their being taken for granted by the Male in question and not painfully achieved or argued about. The Assumptions are:" 1. That the primary aim and object of Bed is that a good time should be had *by* *all*. 2. That (other things being equal) it is the business of the Male to make it so. 3. That he knows his business. The first Assumption rules out at once all Satyromaniacs, sadists, connoisseurs in rape, egotists, and superstitious believers in female reluctance, as well as Catholic (replenish-the-earth) utilitarians and stockbreeders. The second Assumption rules out the hasty, the clumsy, the lazy, the inconsiderate, the peremptory, the untimely and (in most cases) the routiner... and those who have `l'Amour Triste' or are morose and unmannerly, or are without skill in the management of bed-furniture or wind the whole combination into toppling and insecure complications of pillows and blankets or (in extreme circumstances) bang their partner's head against the wall. The third Assumption rules out the tentative as well as the incompetent and inadequate...." -- Dorothy L. Sayers ---- "All *right*! Time for a *crime* *spree*!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Half of me wants to *strangle* you." "And what does the other half want?" "To hit you with a TRUCK!" "We used to date." [A gathering of scoundrels in BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES] ---- "Well, you know what *I* think!" "Not the robot theory again?" "Well, he *could* be." [BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES] ---- "What do you think, Smithers?" "I think women and seamen don't mix." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island." "Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were goin' to Candy-Apple Island." "Candy-Apple Island? Whatta they got there?" "Apes. But they're not so big." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "What kinda show ya got for us, Mr. Burns?" "Well, the ape's going to stand around for 3 hours or so." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "WOW! Look at the size of that platform!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "I'm dreading the reviews, I can tell you that." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "He's not dead!" "No, but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson ran amuck at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Yup... here's your problem. Somebody set this thing to Evil." [THE SIMPSONS] ----