Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Additions for 1993, Part 1 of 3]
Message-ID: <1993May10.033026.21380@tc.fluke.COM>
Keywords: Acres O' Quotes
Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control
References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM>
Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:30:26 GMT
Lines: 1709
"I'm an old man! I hate everything but
`Matlock'... Ooh, it's on now!"
[Grandpa Simpson on THE SIMPSONS]
----
"...our happiness hinges not on good luck; it
hinges on peace of heart."
-- David Steindl-Rast
----
"...it was as if the spirit of Gary Groth suddenly
took over my hands --I had this uncanny urge to
grab a thesaurus and find synonyms for `puerile
snot'."
-- Rogers Cadenhead
----
"I have placed you theme, Sir, on the mantelshelf
in my nursery, that the children may scoff at it."
-- G.G. Bradley
----
"The network slogan is true! `Watch Fox and be
damned for all eternity!'"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Of all the idiots I have met in my life, and the
Lord knows they have not been few or little, I
think that I have been the biggest."
-- Isak Dinesen
----
"Fortunately, AT&T couldn't sell drugs at a Dead
show."
-- Bob Stratton
----
"Age is like climbing a mountain. As you get higher
you get short of breath, but the view is much
wider."
-- Bob Blackshaw
----
"You'd have to ask Mr. Truman, but I seriously
doubt that he has ever found it necessary to place
a modifying adjective in front of the word
`ethics'."
-- Dean Acheson re: Harry Truman
----
"We are increasingly urged to do what is pragmatic,
what will work, what is popular, what has been
approved as acceptable by the polls. I sometimes
think that many men currently in public life would
be hard put to commit themselves on whether or not
it was raining without first finding out what
reply would be most acceptable to the electorate."
-- Dean Acheson
----
"I desire to so conduct the affairs of this
administration that if, at the end... I have lost
every friend on earth, I shall have one friend
left, and that friend shall be down inside me."
-- Abraham Lincoln
----
"A liar in public life is a lot more dangerous than
a full, paid-up Communist, and I don't care who he
is."
-- Harry Truman
----
"You and I believe that high-mindedness is not
impossible in a man."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
----
"It's not your favorite
number?"
"No, no. My favorite
number is Chopin's
A-Flat Opus 42 Waltz."
-- David Susskind & Harry Truman
----
"Now when Castro came into power, if I'd been
President, I'd have picked up the phone and called
him direct in Havana. I wouldn't have gone
through protocol or anything like that. I'd have
called him up, and I'd have said, `Fidel, this is
Harry Truman in Washington, and I'd like to have
you come up here and have a little talk.' He'd
have come, of course, and he'd have come to the
White House, and I'd have said, `Fidel, it looks
to me like you've had a pretty good revolution
down there, and it's been a long time coming. Now
you're going to need help, and there's only two
places you can go to get it. One's right here,
and the other's -- well, we both know where the
other place is. Now you just tell me what you
need, and I'll see to it that you get it."
-- Harry Truman
----
"I believe that it was sometime during [the
McCarthy hearings] that I got in a taxi someplace
in Washington, and the driver turned to me and
said, `Aren't you Dean Acheson?' I said to him,
`Yes, I am. Would you like me to get out?'"
-- Dean Acheson
----
"The secret of my success is that at a very early
age I discovered that I'm not God."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
----
"I fired [General MacArthur] because he wouldn't
respect the authority of the President. That's
the answer to that. I didn't fire him because he
was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was, but
that's not against the law for generals."
-- Harry Truman
----
"The good things which belong to prosperity are to
be wished, but the good things that belong to
adversity are to be admired."
-- Francis Bacon
----
"[The Marshall Plan] was the most unsordid act in
history."
-- Winston Churchill
----
"We have learned to be citizens of the world,
members of the human community. We have learned
the simple truth, as Emerson said, that `the only
way to have a friend is to be one.'"
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
----
"Once there's an armistice, *everybody* gets
selfish all of a sudden."
-- Harry Truman
----
"Harry, the first six months you're [in the U.S.
Senate] you'll wonder how the hell you got here,
and after that you'll wonder how the hell the rest
of us got here."
-- Senator J. Hamilton Lewis, to
Harry Truman
----
"The best definition of a leader is a man who can
make the people who served with or under him do
what they don't want to do and like it."
-- Harry Truman
----
"...he told me that whenever the customers in any
of those denominations prayed too loud in the Amen
corner, you'd better go home and lock your
smokehouse."
-- Harry Truman
----
"On the Fourth of July, 1826, America celebrated
its Jubilee -- the Fiftieth Anniversary of
Independence. John Adams, second President of the
United States, died that day, aged ninety, while
from Maine to Georgia, bells range and cannon
boomed. And on the same day, Thomas Jefferson
died before sunset in Virginia.
In their dying, in that swift, so aptly celebrated
double departure, is something which shakes an
American to the heart. It was not their great
fame, their long lives or even the record of their
work that made the two seem indestructable. It
was their faith, their boundless, unquenchable
hope int he future, their sure, immortal belief
that mankind, if it so desired, could be free."
-- Catherine Drinker Bowen
----
"If I actually believed that the progress of human
understanding depended on our crop of contemporary
novelists, I would shoot myself."
-- Annie Dillard, LIVING BY FICTION
----
Definition of the Net:
"A Darwinian anarchy favoring the strong and
thick-skinned with infinite time on their hands."
-- Joe Pollock
----
"There is no reason to think a small group of
thoughtful, committed citizens cannot change the
world; indeed, that's the only thing that ever
has."
-- Margaret Mead
----
"The true secret of giving advice is, after you
have honestly given it, to be perfectly
indifferent whether it is taken or not and never
persist in trying to set people right."
-- Hannah Whitall Smith
----
"People seem not to see that their opinion of the
world is also an expression of character."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
----
"I was born not knowing and have had only a little
time to change that here and there."
-- Richard P Feynman
----
"If a book is worth reading at all it is worth
reading more than once ... Suspense drags you on;
appreciation causes you to linger."
-- William Gerhardie
----
"A fool with a spreadsheet is still a fool."
-- Paul Abrahams
----
"...nothing gratifies one more than to be admired
for doing what one likes."
-- Dorothy L. Sayers
----
"When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named
the product something that when pronounced sounded
like `Coca-Cola.' The only problem was that the
characters used meant `Bite the wax tadpole.'"
-- American Demographics magazine
----
"When Pepsi started marketing its products in China
a few years back, they translated their slogan,
`Pepsi Brings You Back to Life' pretty literally.
The slogan in Chinese really meant, `Pepsi Brings
Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.'"
-- American Demographics magazine
----
"Coors put its slogan, `Turn it loose,' into
Spanish, where it was read as `Suffer from
diarrhea.'"
-- American Demographics magazine
----
"The first time I saw Todd's art, I said, `Wow,
this guy is going to become a millionaire and
attack me in the letters column of his own comic
book.' And darned if I wasn't right."
-- Peter David
----
"I believe in the soul. The cock, the pussy, the
small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball,
high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan
Sontag are overindulgent, overrated crap... I
believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone! I believe
there ought to be a constitutional amendment
outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I
believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography,
opening your presents Christmas morning rather
than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow,
deep, soft, *wet* kisses that last three days.
Good night."
[BULL DURHAM]
----
"The author had the intention originally of
employing the `Elderly Gentleman' as a giver of
useful and practical advice where such counsel was
required. He has since been reliably informed
that the person in question was Don Nabisco
Napoleone, chief of a desperate band of crooks and
cutthroats. It will be seen to be no great
misfortune, if this character ceases to blemish
the transactions of a respectable dramatic opus."
-- ADMIRAL BONIFACE'S PARROT,
Col. G. L. Sicherman
----
"Oh, you're a hack! You couldn't man the wheel at
a Hojo's."
[Adam's usual cheery opinion in NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
Should 'anal rententive' have a hyphen?
-- unidentified passing t-shirt
----
"...Eventually, I realized, Hey, don't worry, it's
not gonna happen. Coping with a hunky husband-
impostor is not exactly a universal theme; for
dramatic resonance, it's right up there with What
if a cyborg from the future and tried to prevent
me from giving birth to the Messiah?"
-- Libby Gelman-Waxner
----
"SOMMERSBY is about how Richard Gere returns to his
wife, Jodie Foster, in the South after the Civil
War. Richard was away for six years, and when he
comes back, he and Jodie have great, sharing, fun-
loving sex, mostly in nightshirts, and Richard
also organizes some sort of tobacco-growing co-op
that even includes the local black people.
Everything is very New Age, except, of course, the
fact that everyone is pitching in to produce an
addictive, cancer-causing substance; it's kind of
like watching a calendar-art movie about the early
days of Dow Chemical, when the colonists first
begun using butter churns to make napalm."
-- Libby Gelman-Waxner
----
"Stop reading if you haven't seen SOMMERSBY or THE
CRYING GAME! Of course, if you stop reading, my
feelings will be hurt and my job here at the
magazine might be in jeopardy and I do have two
children who need accessories for their troll
dolls, but you know what's best, so just go ahead
and be selfish and stop reading, if you can live
with that. I'll try not to reveal too much, but I
may get overexcited and tell you that in
SOMMERSBY, Richard Gere turns out to be a KLINGON
BENT ON DESTROYING THE ENTIRE STARFLEET! See, you
were still reading, weren't you? You made the
right choice, and bless you."
-- Libby Gelman-Waxner
----
"The man was Jewish."
"How can you tell?"
"Ethnic features,
circumcision, yarmulke,
prayer book in his
pocket, Hebrew on both
sides of the page... I
think he's orthodox."
[Coroner's examination on PICKET FENCES]
----
"I object! How dare you
make a mockery of this
forum?!"
"Eh, it's who I am."
[Douglas Wambaugh for the Defense! PICKET FENCES]
----
"You are a real American. You're an ex-marine, an
astronaut -- you *are* America. You're rich,
you're rapacious, you're... you're progress
without a conscience, paving everything in its
path. You're 5% of the Earth's population, yet
consuming 25% of the Earth's natural resources.
You pay a lot of taxes, you do a lot of charity
work; most of it's tax-deductible, but your
heart's in the right place. One thing's for
certain, Chief; you have impeccable taste in the
booze. Salute!"
[Chris' tribute to Maurice, NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"One thing you can count on, there's no hidden
agenda with this man. Maurice Minnifield is not
gonna stab you in the back. No, you're gonna
*see* him plunge that dagger *right* into your
belly, pull it up, and twist, and twist, until
your guts spill right out onto your shoes.
Maurice, my dear friend: you're a homophobe, and a
bigot; but you have a truly marvelous aesthetic...
and a truly superb collection of Gershwin LPs.
Here's to you, sir. Cheers."
[Phil's (I think) tribute to Maurice, NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"*Sweatbreads*... yo' mama!"
[Adam in ectasy, NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Frederico Fellini brought his own security to
tonight's show... and they were six of the
toughest clown midgets I've ever seen."
-- Billy Crystal
----
"Hal!! Oh, Hal!! I think I'm slipping into that
damn dream sequence again!"
[That imp Dave Letterman]
----
High Concept Reviews:
"GREAT BALLS OF FIRE + FIRESTARTER = GREAT BALLS
OF FIRESTARTER:
Dennis Quaid marries his cousin, 12 year-old
Drew Barrymore, who proceeds to ignite every
piano he plays with her pyrokenetic powers."
-- Pete Apple
----
High Concept Reviews:
"THREE MEN AND A BABY + PRETTY BABY = THREE MEN
AND A PRETTY BABY:
Louis Malle's controversial portrait of the
daughter (Brooke Shields) of a New Orleans
hooker (Susan Sarandon). When mom leaves
town, Brooke moves in with three men (Selleck,
Danson, and Guttenberg) and the resulting
sexual dynamics are a barrel of laughs."
-- Scott Schnackenberg
----
High Concept Reviews:
"THIS OLD HOUSE OF USHER:
Vincent Price hosts this show on how to build
your own torture devices."
-- Jef Poskanzer
----
High Concept Reviews:
"ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE + BLADE RUNNER = ZORRO, THE
GAY BLADERUNNER:
Tony Scott directs this futuristic western,
where Zorro (George Hamilton) is a fop who
must hunt down replicants who have a
tyrannical hold of a Mexican town full of Sony
tv-billboards."
-- Rob Beeler
----
High Concept Reviews:
"QUEST FOR FIRE + FIREFOX = QUEST FOR FIREFOX:
Prehistoric men and women lead an assault
group into enemy territory to steal the
greatest fighter plane in existence. Clint
Eastwood cameos as one of the less literate
cavemen."
-- Capt. Frank A. Lauro
----
High Concept Reviews:
"RAW DEAL + DEAL OF THE CENTURY = RAW DEAL OF THE
CENTURY:
Chevy Chase sells faulty weapons to Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Arnold hunts him down and
kills him."
-- Rob Beeler
----
"There are two major kinds of work in modern
organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in
meetings, and
2. Going to meetings.
It is all very well and good to be able to take
phone messages, but you are never going to get to
a position of power, a position where you can cost
thousands of people their jobs with a single
bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend
meetings."
-- Dave Barry
----
"No reward is necessary, sir. You see, I am
possessed of a comfortable annuity which permits
me to live in luxury and dissipation."
-- ADMIRAL BONIFACE'S PARROT,
Col. G. L. Sicherman
----
"I see that you are lapsing into your typically
realistic Irish brogue, ha, ha!"
[ADMIRAL BONIFACE'S PARROT, Col. G. L. Sicherman]
----
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
-- Templar
----
"I used to read Harlan Ellison a few years ago,
before he stopped being a writer and became a
full-time crank."
-- Evan Dorkin
----
"Eating at White Castle is just like drinking --
you pile into a car, drive a distance, indulge too
much, and get sick. Then the next morning in the
can you swear to yourself you'll never do that
again, and then you're off to fucking White Castle
a few days later. Men are stupid and weak, and
White Castle knows this."
-- Evan Dorkin
----
"Besides that, they redesigned all the McDonaldland
characters to resemble cutesy muppets a few years
back and eighty-sixed Mayor McCheese and Big Mac
the cop, who I happened to really like. So fuck
'em."
-- Evan Dorkin
----
"I was pretty sad when Andre the Giant died,
though. A world without someone named Andre the
Giant is a sadder one, I think."
-- Evan Dorkin
----
"It is of course a given that society only gets the
pornography it deserves."
-- Neil Gaiman
----
"To paraphrase a wise man, not only did they all
laugh at Christopher Columbus, they also all
laughed at Bozo the Clown."
-- Peter Reiher
----
"Paul Louis Courier...when assailed by a French
professor, quietly remarked: `I fancy he must be
vexed. He calls me jacobin, rebel, plagiarist,
thief, poisoner, forger, leper, madman, imposter,
calumniator, libeller, a horrible, filthy,
grimacing rag-picker. I gather what he wants to
say: he means that he and I are not of the same
opinion.'"
-- Louis Kronenberger
----
"Tom Holman (original designer of the THX system)
stopped by my office. We got talking about the
(sad) state of the art of sound reproduction in
movie theatres and he said that, with THX, the
sound in the theatre would now `at least be as
good as a cheap home stereo.'"
-- Craig Good
----
"You can't treat the
working man this way!
One day we'll form a
union, and get the fair
and equitable treatment
we deserve! Then we'll
go too far, and get
corrupt, and shiftless,
and the Japanese will eat
us alive!"
"....If only we had
listened to that boy,
instead of walling him
up in the abandoned coke
oven."
[A remembrance in THE SIMPSONS]
----
"JESUS CHRIST: Lust For Glory"
-- Original title for LIFE OF
BRIAN
----
"Goodnight, my mutually desirous incompatible."
[Maggie summarizes Joel, NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"More than once?"
"I stopped counting when
my fingers went numb."
"Oh God!"
"My guess it's some sort
of land-speed endurance
record for a man my
age."
[Sex und sex und sex und SEX!, NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"It must be like eighth
grade when I broke my leg
skiing. The whole thing
was so horrendous and so
horrible that my mind
just blacked the whole
thing out."
"Well, I'm flattered and
touched."
[Maggie summarizes Joel, NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Hope is an orientation of the spirit, an
orientation of the heart. It is not the
conviction that something will turn out well, but
the certainty that something makes sense,
regardless of how it turns out."
-- Vaclav Havel
----
"Son of a bitch must *pay*."
[BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA]
----
"Look out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria,
mates!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Hee hee hee hee... Oh, Andy Capp... you
wife-beating drunk!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan. You'll go where I
go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Could this town be any *stupider*?"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Homer! There's a man
here who thinks he can
help you!"
"Batman?"
"No, he's a scientist!"
"Batman's a scientist."
"It's NOT Batman!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"`Swank'! Ten times more addictive than
marijuana!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"You know what I wish they
would do with
Chuckles?... Because
they've done this with a
lot of other candy bars:
come out with a quarter
pound size."
[Laughing] "Why would we
suspect that you might
think that?"
-- Gene and Roger play hardball
----
"The Bear Clan. They can't stand the truth."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"I have no comment. But, please, go hurt yourself."
-- Richard Darwin
----
[Sung to "Blow the Man Down"]
"Oh! Slow the plot down, laddie, slow the plot down.
Way-hey! Slow the plot down.
We'll scuttle the story and run 'er a-ground.
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down.
Oh! We'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
Way-hey! Slow the plot down.
Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!"
-- MST3K
----
"Psychokinetic, and minty fresh too!"
-- Billy Joe Bob
----
"How long before Geraldo gets his own comic book?
Maybe `Geraldo's Two-Fisted Tales That Can Now be
Told.'"
-- Lance Smith
----
The Twelve-Step Plan To A Godless, Heathen, Anti-Christian,
Unamerican, Healthy Lifestyle (selected steps):
1) Scientology is a cheap excuse for laughs.
4) Purgatory comes in five flavors.
8) My savior can beat up your savior.
9) Remember, kids: Robo-Pope is watching. "Thank you for not
sinning."
12) Pay in cash.
-- David R. Henry
----
"...we've taught chimps to draw people in skintight
suits..."
-- John Byrne
----
"No, no, no! You don't understand how radio
works!"
[THE FIRESIGN THEATER]
----
"My Katana is sacred. It only spills the blood of
the dishonorable... not `*bing* -- turns dirty
people clean'."
[PAUL THE SAMURAI]
----
"There is no question in my mind that a
newly-emerging medium *needs* a world-class cynic,
a purist observer to chastise, to denigrate and to
cast aspersions on all efforts save his own, but
one of those is really all you need and we already
have Gary Groth."
-- Dave Sim
----
"Gosh, Cerebus... were
you, like, Way Cool back
in the Olden Days?"
"Why don't you buy a copy
and find out for
yourself, butt-head?"
[CEREBUS ad]
----
"Gosh, Cerebus... will
this comic be worth a lot
of money some day?"
"Not after I bend this
corner, you greedy,
capitalistic weenie!"
[CEREBUS ad]
----
"It was Diana Schultz who suggested the approach
for the interior of the pamphlet; pull quotes
from letters written by women to Aardvark Comment
broken down into two categories: a) what a great
comic book CEREBUS is, b) what a prick Dave Sim
is."
-- Dave Sim
----
"The official reason BROTHER'S KEEPER wasn't
nominated is that the [documentary] nominating
board [of the Motion Picture Academy] didn't think
it was one of the five best documentaries of the
year. My own theory is that the members of the
board, in best California fashion, were
channelling for Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe during
the nominating process."
-- Peter Reiher
----
"We are told by Moralists with the plainest faces
that immorality will spoil our looks."
-- L. P. Smith
----
"What a Showman! What a Madman! He's Astoundingly
Heroic!"
[Slogan for MADMAN ADVENTURES]
----
"Sugar, salt, flour... You know, if it wasn't for
the thumb tacks, nine-volt battery, and the Hot
Wheel tracks, you'd think we were going to make a
cake."
-- Madman
[MADMAN ADVENTURES]
----
"Oh, I hate Puddy the Frozen Dessert Goon, Suda.
He's such a pompous irritant. I'd like to slap
his creamy head."
-- Steve Purcell, "Toybox"
----
"Men are not flattered by being shown that there
has been a difference of purpose between the
Almighty and them."
-- Abraham Lincoln
----
"Just the knowledge that a good book is awaiting
one at the end of a long day makes that day
happier."
-- Kathleen Norris
----
"Oh, that's God -- he only *thinks* he's Margaret
Thatcher."
-- Grant Morrison
----
"Heard this on the radio this morning: a major
Christian radio network is alerting its member
stations to check their latest shipments of
religious compact discs before airing them. It
seems that some other CDs were mislabelled at the
factory and shipped along with the religious ones.
Unfortunately the itinerant CDs were by The Dead
Kennedys."
-- Peter J. Scott
----
"I do like the idea of the Talking Death doll. Says
six different phrases: 'I am Death' 'One lifetime
is all you get' 'I've got a job to do, and I do
it' 'In the end there is me'
'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!' 'Gee, math
is hard!'"
-- Lance Smith
----
"You can't look the troops in the eye and say,
`It's been a bad year; we can't do anything for
you', but then say, `By the way, we're going to
pay ourselves a $1 million bonus.'"
-- H. Ross Perot
----
"I tell division managers if they have a profit
problem, I give them two years to fix it. But if
they have a people problem, I give them about two
weeks."
-- Bill Parzybok
----
"We know what the reponse of the American people
will be, and it's not attractive. They really do
believe the Bill of Rights gave them unleaded
regular for $1.06 a gallon, and they better get it
or, by God, they'll get the bums out of Office."
-- Energy Secretary James Watkins
----
Selections from WAYS SUPERMAN COULD RETURN:
* Three days in the tomb, roll back the stone, no body,
comes back on Easter. Pat Robertson takes credit.
* "I got better."
* Team-up with Bill & Ted
* No real explanation given ("Because YOU demanded it!")
* Insufficient postage
-- 1992 Alternative Squiddies
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD ON EARTH DAY:
10. "Hey! After the concert let's trash the place!"
8. "Who cares if it destroys the ozone? Thanks to
aerosol I can spell my name in cheese!"
2. "Once this land belonged to the Indians.... That was
before the Japanese."
1. "The corn dogs were better at `Hands Across America.'"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from MILLIE'S TOP 10 PET PEEVES:
9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes
a leak on the couch
7. Spuds
6. When the Korean ambassador gets hungry
5. Barney Frank's flaming poodle
2. Being known as "The First Bitch"
1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring, "Nice
kitty. Nice kitty."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from MRS. BUSH'S TOP 10 SNAPPY COMEBACKS TO
WELLESLEY HECKLERS:
6. Know what this finger means? Take a ride on Air
Force One!
5. Settle down. Van Halen will be out in a minute.
4. Millie . . . kill!
2. You girls wouldn't know proper etiquette if it bit
you on the ass!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from DAN QUAYLE'S TOP 10 COMPLAINTS ABOUT FRANCE:
10. Virtually impossible to find a box of Captain Crunch
8. People speak some kind of weird Moon-man language
7. Water fountain in bathroom must be designed for
midgets
5. Dubbed version of "Ernest Goes to Camp" makes Ernest
sound like a sissy
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 HUBBLE TELESCOPE EXCUSES:
10. The guy at Sears promised it would work fine
9. Some kids on Earth must be fooling around with a
garage door opener
7. See if you can think straight after 12 days of
drinking Tang
4. Those damn raccoons!
1. Race of super-evolved galactic beings are screwing
with us
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from DICK TRACY'S TOP 10 PET PEEVES:
10. Two-way wrist radio keeps picking up Larry King
7. When McGruff the Crime Dog borrows trenchcoat and
sheds in it
5. Jack Lord always bragging about weather in Hawaii
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS MCDONALD'S IS MORE HEALTH
CONSCIOUS:
10. Ronald McDonald no longer sleeping in salad bar
9. Happy Meals no longer include a pack of Luckies
8. When out of Shamrock Shakes, will no longer
substitute mop water
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 GOOD THINGS ABOUT GEORGE STEINBRENNER:
9. Never considered hiring a guy in a chicken suit
8. Exhales carbon dioxide, which is needed by plants
7. Except for maybe six or seven times, never fired a
manager on Christmas
4. Will eventually die and go to hell
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE KRUSCHEV TAPES:
9. Started Cuban missile crisis to impress Kim Novak
7. First documented use of phrase, "It's Hammertime"
3. Bonus 30 minutes of his proven "Stop Smoking Now"
technique
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS "THE CIVIL WAR" SERIES WOULD BE
DIFFERENT IF IT WERE ON NBC:
9. Reenactment of Gettysburg featuring bottles of Bud
vs. bottles of Bud Light
8. Diary excerpts punched up to include more "zingers"
7. Stonewall Jackson leads troops into battle at the
wheel of a cool talking car
6. Early in war, Lincoln replaces McClellan with
Deborah Norville
5. As cannonballs rain down on Fort Sumter, Bob Costas
comments, "That's gotta hurt!"
4. More emphasis on Matthew Brady's photographs of
swimsuit models
3. Willard Scott cameo as Clara Barton
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS SOUTER CELEBRATED HIS
CONFIRMATION:
7. Cruised by Bork and Ginzberg's places with Aerosmith
blasting
6. Kicked Mom out of house. Had girl over.
4. Paid his college dope-smoking buddies rest of hush
money
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 20/20 FEATURES CURRENTLY IN
PRODUCTION:
10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died
8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog, who looks just like a
person, but he's a dog. Really.
4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait --
did I say two? It's three at least!
2. Shirley MacLaine says, "I was Buckwheat!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 LEAST POPULAR MTV CONTESTS:
9. Do time for James Brown
7. A date with Cher (must be under 16)
6. Win Michael Jackson's old nose
5. Actually get to be one of the New Monkees -- not for
a day, but forever!
2. Peter, Paul, and you!
1. Try on Meatloaf's pants
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S TOP 10 MOST HORRIFYING
SECRETS:
10. That's not his grandson; that's his "longtime
companion"
9. Has 50 pounds of plastic explosives taped to his
body at all times
6. Came home one night to find wife in bed with Keebler
elves
3. Has small vestigial wings
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS TO GIVE DAN QUAYLE A RAISE:
9. He has to replace the crayons he ate
8. His father threatened to make trouble
5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at Star Trek
conventions
1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn
sharp lately
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from PRESIDENT BUSH'S TOP 10 GAFFES WHILE IN
EUROPE:
10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby
talk
8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We
bailed out your sorry butts"
6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa
5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn
out some good carnival acts"
1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein
Batman"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS DAVE WOULD HAVE SAID IF HE'D
BEEN FIRST MAN ON THE MOON:
10. Any music for this, Paul?
8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going
18,000 mph.
7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher?
3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me?
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS CHER COULDN'T MAKE IT ON THE
SHOW:
9. Blown transmission on the Chermobile
7. Today is her baking day
6. For national security reasons, she and Buck Henry
cannot be in the same place at the same time
4. Recent revelation that her perfume releases a gas
that peels paint off cars
3. Heard Paul Prudhomme was going to wear same outfit
2. Her gene-splicing research is at a critical stage
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 COLUMBIAN TOURIST SLOGANS:
10. You can't put a street value on fun
9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
8. Bored with Beirut?
6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of
Broadcasting
5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation
4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS THAT JIM BAKKER IS SANE AND
COMPETENT:
10. No longer believes he's being stared at by Pez
dispenser
9. Thinks Rorschach inkblots look like Tammy Faye's
makeup
8. Conversations with God now limited to weather and
sports
5. Voices in his head now play love songs -- nothing
but love songs
3. Now understands big scary invisible animals are as
afraid of him as he is of them
2. Has started interviewing church secretaries again
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER DROPPED
OUT AS MISS AMERICA JUDGE:
10. They wouldn't let him sing "Here She Comes, Miss
America"
8. Just found out what those bastards did to Bert Parks
7. Afraid TV Guide would put his head on Ann-Margret's
body
6. Conflict of interest when Miss Massachusetts turned
out to be Rose Kennedy
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 RULES OF THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT:
10. Liposuction is permitted; but not as part of the
talent competition
9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by
11:00 a.m.
8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends
a night in the box
5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy
4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly
elected winner
3. No Gabors
2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least
80% of their bodies must be from their home state
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS THAT RONALD REAGAN IS
RECOVERING:
10. He starting to forget things again
9. Just signed to fight George Forman
8. Last night, for first time since the operation, he
sang along with the "Three's Company" theme
6. Puts up vigorous fight whenever Nancy just says no
5. Called Iran to see if they need any weapons
2. Came out of anesthesia shouting, "Bush is president?
We're doomed!"
1. Because Nancy says so
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 COMPLAINTS OF JANE PAULEY:
10. Deborah Norville points to nameplate on door and
asks "Will that come off easily?"
5. 3:00 a.m. calls from liquored-up Linda Ellerbee
begging her to try Maxell House coffee
3. Having to drive Letterman to and from work
2. Your name has to be "Bill Cosby" before NBC will
kiss your butt
1. Them screamin' brats of hers
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 MR. WIZARD EXPERIMENTS:
10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet
9. Will your head fit here?
8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara
7. Getting free HBO
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS OF THE NEW
YORK CITY HEALTH INSPECTORS:
10. Does your chef even own a shirt?
9. Such teeming vermin! The food must be excellent!
6. I can tell over the phone your place is spotless,
Mr. Gotti
5. If it's caviar, what's it doing in the cat box?
4. How do I say "cash gift" in Korean?
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 CHAPTER TITLES IN NANCY REAGAN'S BOOK:
9. The "Hee-Haw" Years
8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy
7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping
6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney
Sandwich
5. Patti Davis: Author, Actress, Beauty ... Oh Alright,
Author
4. Raisa Gorbachev: The Jane Wyman of Russia
3. Leona: The Sister I Never Had
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS TO VOTE:
8. Exciting to pretend big red lever in voting booth is
actually power switch to electric chair
6. When you finish, Red Cross nurse gives you delicious
cookies
5. To keep resident Canadians under control
2. So you'll feel personally involved when the new
mayor gets hauled off to jail
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from CAMPBELL'S TOP 10 LEAST POPULAR SOUPS:
8. Old-fashioned Grease & Weasel
5. Tap Water & Lawn Trimmings
4. Turkish Prison Surprise
3. Bryant Gumbo
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 EXCUSES BY THE DENVER BRONCOS:
10. Pregame shoe mix-up with rockettes
7. Weak with laughter from humorous banners in stands
6. Show-off John Elway called plays in French
5. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently
2. Wanted to beat the traffic
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OUR RECEPTIONS SAY EVERY DAY:
9. "You're a bunch of guys in a college dorm? Let me
give you Dave's home number."
8. "Hello. Bill Wendell's Amway Headquarters."
6. "If you wish to sue Mr. Letterman, I can give you
the 800 number."
5. "Nice language, Mr. Gumbel!"
3. "No, I only lead the band during the show. I'm on
the phones during the day."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from GOD'S TOP 10 PET PEEVES:
9. I've got to hear all of Andy Rooney's thoughts
8. Just can't seem to get California to fall in the ocean
7. People at the table who open their eyes and size up
the pot roast during grace
6. Being everywhere at once, I have to sit through the
Tony Awards
3. That Nissan ad with the obnoxious actors pretending
to be auto engineers
2. Still getting flak for letting in Jim Morrison
1. Pat Robertson
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS TO PERK UP THE BUSH CAMPAIGN:
9. Spread rumor he killed a man in Reno just to watch
him die
8. Weep openly at Doobie Brothers reunion concert
6. Let reporters find him naked in stalled car with
Nina Blackwood
3. Release doctored photo that makes it look like he's
met President Reagan
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS THE U.S. HAS WON ONLY ONE
STINKING BRONZE MEDAL (1988):
10. Jamacian bobsled team tougher than we thought
9. Thought you could rent skates there
7. Too much emphasis put on written portion of
competition
6. Majority of team mistakenly went to Calcutta --
where they're kicking butt!
5. Distracted by Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford making out
in the press box
3. Ice dancers can't concentrate with dashing Mounties
around
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS WHY DAVE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
NAMED THE US MAGAZINE "ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR" (Tom
Selleck was):
10. My six-octave range
9. I design all my own costumes
6. Remember "Lassiter"?
5. I would use power of title to restore peace in Mideast
2. These readers' polls are turning into nothing but
popularity contests
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS THE SHOW WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF
IT WERE ON RADIO:
8. Guests could sit on my lap
6. Could send out my autograph on picture of Pierce
Brosnan
5. Wouldn't have to be here at 6 a.m. every day for
application of prosthetic chin
4. Enjoying show in moving car would be safer
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS BUSH DOESN'T WANT TO DEBATE
DUKAKIS (1988):
10. Fears his whiny piercing voice will cause bedlam at
nation's kennels
7. Secret identity makes it impossible for him to be in
same room as Dukakis
6. Tired of League of Women Voters throwing hotel keys
and panties at him
4. Can't compete with Dukakis' life-affirming Zorba dance
3. Organizers refuse to play him on with theme from
"Sanford & Son"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD IN OLYMPIC VILLAGE
(1988):
10. "I'm from the French team. Can I just see what a
medal looks like?"
9. "After we get the gold in team handball, we just sit
back and wait for the endorsement offers to roll in."
8. "Who would've guessed Morocco's national anthem was
'Sometimes When We Touch'?"
7. "I thought there would be rides."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 DRIVING TIPS:
10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them
9. If pursued by highway patrol always pull over
immediately, then try to flee on foot
6. When transporting a monkey don't let him take the
wheel no matter how much he screeches
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for
kids in tents
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 UPCOMING GERALDO SPECIALS:
10. Live from Elvis' Grave with a Shovel
9. Is the NBA Being Ruined by Flubber?
8. By the Hollow Tree: Stakeout for the Keebler Elves
6. We Get Drunk and Bust into a Gum Machine
5. Former Nazis Who Work at the Gap
3. One Bird's Obsession: Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs
1. Raising Raymond Burr
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS THAT WOULD KEEP ME FROM DOING
THE SHOW (1988):
10. They need my chair up at the NBC news desk
8. A brutal alien-invading army demands that Earth send
forth their champion
7. Connie Chung finally drops that fat guy she's
married to
4. President Quayle
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 FEARS OF SNUGGLES THE FABRIC SOFTENER
BEAR:
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape
from lint trap
8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's
undershirts
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back
in '78
6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as
a male
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering
and start loudly suggesting that he should be the
fabric softener bear
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to
insure he remains "snuggly" forever
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT BILLY JOEL'S
MOSCOW CONCERT (1988):
9. I would applaud even if I were not ordered to do so!
8. I'm a communist party animal!
7. Our countries may have their differences, but we can
agree "Piano Man" really gets on your nerves
4. I'll bet they make this into another crummy HBO
special
3. The one who threw the Frisbee . . . shoot him
1. You see -- they are not all as annoying as Donahue
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE PRESIDENT'S
[REAGAN'S] SPEECH:
10. Pajama tops didn't match bottoms
9. Unexpected Bob Hope walk-on
2. Tearful confession that he killed William Casey with
poison blow-dart
1. Hysterical shouts of "We're hurtling toward the
Sun!" made poor closing statement
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS WHY TV IS BETTER THAN BOOKS:
10. Book readers miss out on K-tel record offers
7. Books ask difficult questions but don't give away
cars or cruises for right answers
6. Books written by pasty-skinned geeks; TV full of
chesty babes
5. "Soul Train"
1. Ralph Waldo Emerson. The Equalizer.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED PROVISIONS OF THE U.S.
CONSTITUTION:
10. President may not use army and navy to get back at
guy who beat him up in junior high
8. When flag passes everybody has to open eyes as wide
as they can and say "Gollee!"
6. If president and vice president die suddenly,
presidential office shall be filled by People
magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"
2. Damage deposit of $25 required before renting the
White House for keg parties
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS JOE BIDEN DROPPED OUT OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE (1987):
8. He accidentally delivered Nixon's resignation speech
7. Realized he didn't have a chance against the
Gephardt juggernaut
6. His term paper business is really taking off
3. Decided to run for presidency of Hair Club for Men
2. "The New Monkees" are on TV now and a man has just
so much time
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 OTHER THINGS WILLIAM CASEY SAID ON
HIS DEATH BED:
10. "Nice nurse outfit, Woodward."
9. "That fruit cake Mrs. Reagan sent me tasted kinda
funny."
8. "They actually tried that Iran thing? I was just
kidding!"
6. "Here's another one for you, Sandy Duncan is KGB."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 UNSUCCESSFUL MALL SHOPS:
10. Jiffy-Spay
7. Fatso Riley's Airtight Hellhole
6. The Prescription Drug Swap Barn
3. Mookie's Cookie Nook
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 DISADVANTAGES OF WINNING A NOBEL PRIZE:
8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender
6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on
particle physics
1. Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action
figures
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE GEORGE BUSH MORE EXCITING:
10. Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
7. Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna
Arquette; return with necklace made of bear teeth
6. Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party
with the Bushmeister"
4. Bend standing microphone into pretzel-shape; give to
cub reporter as souvenir
2. Start hanging with Earth, Wind & Fire
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 LEAST-KNOWN NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTINGS:
8. "The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout"
6. "Sniper in the Mall"
3. "Andrew Wyeth Nails Helga"
2. "Bad Clams"
1. "Turn Your Head and Cough"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 PET PEEVES OF GUYS WHO MANAGE BIG &
TALL MEN'S STORES:
9. When a size 54 doesn't close the dressing room curtain
8. When Roger Ebert tries to return old bathing suits
3. Willard
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS NORMAN SCHWARZKOPF HAS TO DO
TO GET A FIFTH STAR:
10. Sell more cookies than anyone else in his unit
9. During his next "20/20" interview, punch Hugh Downs
8. Have friend make gun and bomb noises every time he
calls Bush so it'll seem like he's still fighting
really hard
5. Beat Sgt. Slaughter in best 2 out of 3 falls in
"Wrestlemania"
2. Do at least a halfway-decent job on the parallel
parking part of the test
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED NAMES FOR KENTUCKY FRIED
CHICKEN:
10. Lifeless Bird Lumps
9. KFC & CPR
8. Hot Oily Hens
6. The You're-A-Little-Too-Late Petting Zoo
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED MEDICAL TREATMENTS FOR
PRESIDENT BUSH:
10. Atomic chest punch delivered by Hulk Hogan
8. Have Merlin Olsen deliver special FTD "Heart
Started" bouquet
7. Transplant his brain into body of a healthy house cat
3. Shrink down George Kennedy to microscopic size,
inject into bloodstream, let him do what he can
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE NBC AFFILIATE
CONVENTION:
10. "If Willard goes insane on the air, do we get our
money back?"
9. "What we need is a show with some singing cops."
6. "I'm sorry, Miss Norville. I just don't need any
Tupperware."
5. "Under each of your seats you will find a bag
containing candy and small amusements. Please
enjoy them."
3. "Forget the fall season! The whores are here!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 HIGHLIGHTS OF THE C. EVERETT KOOP SHOW:
10. When the ridiculous fake beard started to fall off
8. Birth control demonstration with Super Dave Osborne
7. Surprise walk-on by Bob Hope during heart transplant
operation
6. Tips on having safe sex with a Kennedy
3. The way he kept grabbing his crotch like Madonna
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO A BAD FUNERAL
DIRECTOR:
8. Hearse has Dominos logo on side; on way to cemetery
they drop off a couple of pizzas
7. Tells you, "I can't help this man. He's dead."
6. Asks if you want cremation to be original or crispy
3. He tells bereaved, "I'm pretty sure your uncle's in
hell by now."
2. Two days after the funeral you see the deceased
alive again doing yard work for the funeral director
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 CANADIAN NICKNAMES FOR AMERICANS:
9. Willard-watchers
8. Continent hogs
6. Surfboard-riding goofballs
4. Upper Mexicans
2. Star-spangled sissy boys
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CLARENCE
THOMAS:
8. Sees appointment to Supreme Court as stepping stone
to meeting Paula Abdul
6. Once while handing down a verdict, coined the
phrase, "rat's ass"
5. Wrestles under name of "The Georgia Cyclone"
4. His legal writings make frequent reference to
special episodes of "Kate & Allie"
1. Loves Jacoby; hates Myers
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A DUMB GUY:
10. Inability to predict upcoming traffic light color
9. Subsist entirely on diet of accidentally swallowed gum
7. You're positive you can run 55 mph simply by
drinking gasoline
4. You get a letter saying you've been approved for a
VISA/Dumb Guy card
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS THE U.S. WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF
EVEL KNIEVEL WERE PRESIDENT:
8. More fatalities at annual Easter egg hunt
7. Court packed with judges favoring 270 mph speed limit
6. Secretary of state would wear special suit to greet
diplomats while on fire.
5. Son Robbie Knievel would be screwing up S&L industry
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS THE SENATE NEEDS A RAISE:
9. Soviets not shelling out for classified stuff like
they used to
8. Fees just doubled at the Hair Club for Men
6. No more money to be made selling drugs to Marion Barry
4. "Bikini Open" only available on Pay-Per-View
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT ROSE KENNEDY'S
101ST BIRTHDAY:
10. "Willard didn't mention me. Have him killed."
9. "Maria, can you ask Terminator-boy to open this jar
of pickles?"
7. "Quiet down, everybody! It's time to welcome comedy
superstar Howie Mandel!"
6. "Anybody seen Ted's pants?"
1. "And she's still just as sharp as Ronald Reagan!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SIGNS THE ROYAL MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE:
10. He's never in the mood to let the kids play with his
ears anymore
9. Palace dwarf seen with long mopey face like he'd
just been crying
7. Charles has moved in with college pal Oscar Madison
1. She's always griping: "Why don't you get a real job?"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 ACTS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR CIRCUS OF
THE STARS:
10. Jake shoots the Fat Man out of a cannon
8. Joanne Worley consumes a lit cigar
5. Hugh Downs takes a nap
2. Doug Henning gargling
1. Siskel puts head into Ebert's mouth
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE COUP:
10. "Excuse me, Mr. Yeltsin, are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
7. "What the hell is Mookie Wilson doing here?"
4. "Raisa, better turn on the Bat Signal."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from BORIS YELTSIN'S TOP 10 COUP-BUSTING TIPS:
10. Drive around occupied Parliament, honking horn and
shouting "Hardliners suck!"
9. Don't be tricked: before opening door, make sure it
really is the pizza guy
3. Tell them you've got Van Damme
1. Introduce one of the coup leaders to Yoko Ono
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 SURPRISES IN THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS:
9. The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not pay a lot for a
muffler
6. In the marginal decoration, you can find Waldo
5. Book of Revelations originally ended with a
high-speed car chase
4. Without getting too specific, Presbyterians are in a
lot of trouble
1. Loads of money-saving coupons!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 RECENT REVELATIONS ABOUT THE CIA:
10. Engineered coup that toppled Richard Dawson from
"Family Feud"
7. So-called "truth serum" nothing but Karo syrup and
food coloring
5. Determined early in 1989 that Gorbachev was working
for the Soviets
4. Their code name for Joe DiMaggio: Mr. Coffee
2. The whole thing is run by Robert Goulet
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS THIS LIZ TAYLOR MARRIAGE IS
GOING TO LAST:
9. Huge success rate of weddings hosted by chimp-owning
recluses
6. Larry: beer-drinking fat guy. Liz: beer-drinking
fat guy
4. Richard Burton's pathological jealously less of a
problem now that he's dead
3. She's no longer using Bobby Knight as marriage
counselor
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----