Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Corrected 1992 List, Part 11 of 11]
Message-ID: <1993May10.035814.22270@tc.fluke.COM>
Keywords: Acres O' Quotes
Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control
References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.035715.22200@tc.fluke.COM>
Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:58:14 GMT
Lines: 1649
The church is near but the road is icy, the bar is
far away but I will walk carefully.
-- Russian Proverb
----
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If
your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them
down people's throats."
-- Howard Aiken
----
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean
`not really.'"
-- David Parnas
----
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience
comes from bad judgement."
-- Jim Horning
----
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk
away from it."
-- C. Schulz
----
"APL is a write-only language. I can write
programs in APL, but I can't read any of them."
-- Roy Keir
----
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians
and all those who make empty prophecies. The
danger already exists that mathematicians have
made a covenant with the devil to darken the
spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell."
-- St. Augustine
----
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
-- F. Borquin
----
"I've finally learned what `upward compatible'
means. It means we get to keep all our old
mistakes."
-- Dennie van Tassel
----
"Take your work seriously but never take yourself
seriously; and do not take what happens either to
yourself or your work seriously."
-- Booth Tarkington
----
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and
prosecute live ones."
-- Nathaniel Howe
----
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my
work. I want to achieve immortality through not
dying."
-- Woody Allen
----
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm
wearing Milkbone underware."
-- Norm from CHEERS
----
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to
Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die
either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I
embrace your principles or your mistress".
----
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"
-- Bugs Bunny
----
"I am not a number! I am a free man!"
-- Number Six
----
"Watch me pace this pathetic palooka with a perfect
paralyzing packedermus percussion pitch."
[Looney Tunes, Baseball Bugs (1946, Friz Freleng)]
----
"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR ... you-know-who."
[Looney Tunes, Stupor Duck (1956, Robert McKimson)]
----
"Perhaps you know some of my friends: Count of
Basie, Earl of Hines, Cab of Calloway, Satchmo of
Armstrong?"
[Looney Tunes, Knight-Mare Hare (1955, Chuck Jones)]
----
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor
deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin
Hood."
[Looney Tunes, Robin Hood Daffy (1958, Chuck Jones)]
----
"I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire. I own a mansion
und a yacht."
[Looney Tunes, Hare Brush (1955, Friz Freleng)]
----
"Would I turn on the gas
if my pal Mugsy were in
there?"
"You might, rabbit, you
might!"
[Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)]
----
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm
rich."
[Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)]
----
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be
the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
[Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)]
----
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY
disintegrating gun. And when it disintegrates, it
disintegrates. [pulls trigger] Well, what you do
know... it disintegrated."
-- DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24-1/2
CENTURY!!
[Looney Tunes, Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century (1953, Chuck Jones)]
----
"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the
Wabbit!"
[Looney Tunes, What's Opera Doc? (1957, Chuck Jones)]
----
"I DO want your money, because GOD wants your
money!"
[The Reverend from _Repo_Man_]
----
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and
guaranteed for all time. The terror of their
tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
consistency."
-- Albert Einstein
----
"It's a place that falls off maps."
-- Frank Furrillo
----
"Where do you place your hate?"
-- Henry Goldblum
----
"The lights are on,
but you're not home;
Your will
is not your own;
Your heart *sweats*,
Your teeth *grind*;
Another kiss
and you'll be mine...
You like to think that you're immune to
the stuff
(Oh Yeah!)
It's closer to the truth
To say you can't get enough;
You know you're gonna have to face it,
*You're addicted to Love!*"
-- Robert Palmer
----
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth
shut and I'll eat him."
[Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_]
----
"And we heard him exclaim
As he started to roam:
`I'm a hologram, kids,
please don't try this at home!'"
-- Bob Violence
[Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence]
----
"So REMEMBER:
Black is BLACK and White is WHITE,
The more they MEET the more they FIGHT.
The line BETWEEN them was never more REAL
So eat your BEANS at every MEAL."
-Mr. Bug
[Ambush Bug spoofs Mr. A]
----
"Putz Beer. From the people who brought you
Schmuck Lager."
[TV ad in Hell from STIG'S INFERNO]
----
"It is indeed a sad commentary when it's easier to
send a person 500 years into the past than across
town."
[Judah Macabee comments on Time-Travel in Cynosure]
----
"What are you guys? Pro
Wrestling or something?"
"That's exactly right."
"Not me. I'm an air traffic
controller."
[Woman clerk addressing Judah and The Badger, respectively]
----
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the
INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG."
[Bob Violence Again]
----
"I SAID I LOVE ALL MANKIND *DAMMIT*!!"
[A deity from CEREBUS]
----
"You know, sir, that there
*is* a precedent for
wheelchair detectives..."
"Shut up, Alfred."
[Alfred with good advice for Bruce Wayne. Frank Miller's DARK KNIGHT]
----
"But isn't there some
other way to call him?"
"At least a dozen."
"Then WHY?"
"To let them know,
Merkel, to let EVERYONE
know. Hit it."
[Commissioner Gordon talks about re-lighting the Bat-Signal from Miller's
DARK KNIGHT]
----
"Queens borough president Donald Mannis, charged with
receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts,
resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote
more time to impending litigation, some of which
might emanate from a recent statement he made
comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin
Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said
they are weighing the odds of a slander suit.
"Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment,
but we chose not to listen."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently
about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American
advertising, lodged an official protest this week
against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign:
`Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford
Escort.'"
-- Dennis Miller
[The TV anchorman of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update]
----
"Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!"
[The University of Wallamaloo Philosphy Dept. Sketch, via Monty Python]
----
"Well, I'm glad you didn't
do something *sensible*...
such as use the *spare*!"
"Spare? Spare what?"
[An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone]
----
"All this self-sacrifice is *nauseating*!"
[An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone]
----
"So gather the kids, a dog... Grandma... and lock
them in another room."
-- Orson Welles
----
"If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my
sacred duty to bash him to a pulp."
[Crime Crusher, an old 40's pulp superhero]
----
Real World, The (n.)
1: The place generally used when referring to
non-programming activities. 2: Where a
computer science student goes after
graduation; used pejoratively ("poor slob,
he got his degree and had to go out into THE
REAL WORLD"). Among programmers, discussing
someone in residence there is not unlike
talking about a deceased person.
[THE HACKER'S DICTIONARY]
----
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags
do not wave in a vacuum."
--Arthur C. Clarke
----
"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."
--Gallagher
----
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a
plumber on weekends."
--Woody Allen
----
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental
characteristic of Western religion, Rejection
without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science."
-- Gary Zukav from THE DANCING
WU LI MASTERS
----
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI
programs are?"
-- Peter Oakley
----
Benson's Dogma:
ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
[Gary Benson]
----
"The race may not always be to the swift nor the
battle to the strong, but it's a good idea to bet
that way."
-- O. L. Bear
----
Behind every successful man,
is a very surprised woman.
[Another anonymous fortune]
----
"Money doesn't talk, it swears."
-- Bob Dylan
----
"I couldn't remember when I had been so
disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out
that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand..."
-- Peter Oakley
----
"Flaming Carrot!... Do
you see Communists behind
every bush?"
"No... but SOMETIMES they
hide there."
[Who else but... FLAMING CARROT! Save the day! You bet!]
----
"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write
much better with a word processor.', I replied,
`They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
----
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't
oppose Gestapo tactics WITH Gestapo tactics?"
-- Reuben Flagg
----
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's
observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday,
when the following will be closed:
- Governmental offices
- Post offices
- Libraries
- Schools
- Banks
- Parts of Palm Beach
and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North
Carolina."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"For I too am real. I am Schmendrick the Magician,
the last of the red-hot swamis, and I am older
than I look."
[Schmendrick the Magician, from Beagle's _The_Last_Unicorn_]
----
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like
`Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a
jerk for nothing."
-- Ian Shoales
----
"I read a column by George Will that SCARFACE
should be rated X because parents were taking
their children to see it. So what? Why should
the motion-picture industry be responsible for our
morality?
Dad says to Mom, `SCARFACE is in town.'
`What's it about?'
`Human scum who kill each other over
cocaine deals.'
`Sounds great! Let's take the kids!'"
-- Ian Shoales
----
"And I heard Jeff exclaim,
as they strolled out of sight,
`Merry Christmas to all
-- you take credit cards, right?'"
[A panel from THE OUTSIDERS that I found appropriate for myself]
----
"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all
on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they
couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that
life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and
ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only
reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a
bunch of misfits and losers."
[A analysis of Neo-Nazis I agree with from THE BADGER]
----
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of
Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher
percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden
moves around than any other city in the world."
-- David Letterman
----
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's
hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your
destination, say to your driver, `Pay? I was
hitchhiking.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"There was an interesting development in the
CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that
after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little
things that annoyed him during the trial."
-- David Letterman
----
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated
Almanac, the best place to live in America is the
city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in
twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't
care too much. Because we know that we could beat
up their city anytime."
-- David Letterman
----
"In an interview today with US NEWS & WORLD REPORT
this week, Secretary of State George Schultz was
asked what he considered his proudest
accomplishment. He said, `Winning the office
pools on Andropov *and* Chernenko.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"Interesting poll results reported in today's New
York Post: people on the street in midtown
Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the
US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said
yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said `Gimme
a quarter?'"
-- David Letterman
----
"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard
phrases in New York City. One is `Hey, taxi.'
Two is, `What train do I take to get to
Bloomingdale's?' And three is, `Don't worry.
It's just a flesh wound.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back
from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a
tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new
Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
-- David Letterman
----
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to
a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman
Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three
fourteen-year-olds.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"Based on what you know about him in history books,
what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if
he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his
coffin."
-- David Letterman
----
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on
television with pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder.
2) Gary Coleman.
3) The television viewing public."
-- David Letterman
----
"Looks like this ain't our mummy. See?
Out-of-state plates."
[The "Mummy Daddy" episode of Amazing Stories]
----
"I'm tellin' you, Willie
Joe, this ain't right.
Lynchin' ain't fer
mummies. Lynchin's fer
rustlers."
"Lynchin's fer
EVERYBODY!"
[The "Mummy Daddy" episode of Amazing Stories]
----
"You are so *lovely*."
"Yes."
"Yes! And you take a
compliment, too! I like
that in a goddess."
[The "Guilt Trip" episode of Amazing Stories -- Dom Deluise (Guilt) & Loni
Anderson (Love)]
----
"Oh no, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very
very pretty."
[Love from above title]
----
"I'm great at love, but
I'm lousy at commitment."
"Commitment's nice.
You'd like her. She's
got heavy legs, but
she's a lotta laughs. I
met her at a wedding."
[Love & Guilt from above reference]
----
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect
week... where we found each other, and loved each
other... and then let each other go before anyone
had to seek professional help."
[Love from above reference]
----
"I am the Shadow Man, and
*I* will never harm the
person under whose bed
*I* live."
"Glad to hear it, my
man... Hey, don't stay
out too late, and when
you get back, make sure
you shut the window."
[An unusual roomie from The Twilight Zone episode "The Shadow Man"]
----
"Addison, will you get
serious!"
"Serious? I just had my
hand on your behind; if
I get any more serious,
they'll move us to
cable!"
[Addison and Maddy from "Moonlighting"]
----
"Hayl, you know an' I know that th' only way in th'
world we can get that kind o' money is if we found
a bottle of Coke with a mouse in it."
[Randy Quaid explains funding to Pee-Wee Herman on a SNL episode]
----
"Listen, Kalina, I can either be Johnny Nemo or I
can be careful -- I can't be both!"
[That fearless Private Dick of the future, Johnny Nemo, from JONNY NEMO]
----
"Eddie the Mouth was a vicious animal. But he was
one of the old-time vicious animals and as such
had some kind of moral code. It wasn't much of a
moral code, but it was better than nothing..."
[That fearless Private Dick of the future, Johnny Nemo, from JONNY NEMO]
----
"All the soil will be fruitful beyond man's needs;
and human beings shall fornicate unceasingly."
-- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN,
Geoffrey of Monmouth
[An old book I got from a friend -- Geoffrey was apparently translating
Merlin's prophecies]
----
"Monks in their cowls shall be forced into marriage
and their lamentation will be heard on the
mountain-peaks."
-- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN,
Geoffrey of Monmouth
----
"Actually one of the biggest reasons I have for
doing Cerebus is to give wives and girlfriends of
comics fans at least one comic book they can
read."
-- Dave Sim
----
"Never send a MAN to do a
WOMAN'S work! Why do you
think I CAME here?"
"Not for the good of my
ego, that was for damn
sure."
[John Gaunt, aka GRIMJACK]
----
"While not a master of
intellect, the blatantly
obvious things WE often
take for granted never
escape HIS keen eye!"
"Horse."
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"From high atop the battered ramparts of truth and
freedom... he took arms against the wicked teeming
minions of infamy, reprobation, crime, subversion
and wanton incontinence!"
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"Simple, candid, crazed and madcap
(quintessentially retarded) our hero fights an
with a PLUCK and SPIRIT that is totally American
to the core!!"
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"A vicious firebrand of
Law and Order, his
FOAMING WRATH is
MIGHTY!... Yet his heart
flows over with warmth
and human kindness to all
the good and honest
people!"
"You're hurt pretty bad,
Mister... have some
Wheaties!"
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER
DEALS to come!"
[Firesign Theatre, Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers]
----
"Beware! Your brain may no longer be the boss."
[Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong]
----
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying,
you are probably hallucinating."
[Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong]
----
"WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF AN ALIEN ATTACK:
ONE) Hide beneath the seat of your plane and
look away.
TWO) Avoid eye contact.
THREE) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact."
[Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong]
----
"I'm as doomed as doomed can be!"
-Ed Grimley
[The one and only Ed Grimley, aka Martin Short]
----
"Out of the mouth of Boy Wonders oftimes come
gems."
[TV's Batman, aka Adam West]
----
"Tune in again next week, same time, same station,
when Nick Danger meets.... The Arab!"
[From The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger, America's ONLY detective!]
----
"....and the far-flung Isles of Langerhans."
[Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE]
----
"Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.
He died in Washington, D.C."
[Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE]
----
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
-- Ted Turner
----
"Can you drive a 6-inch
spike through a board
with your penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk. A girl has to have
her standards."
[Deborah Foreman to Val Kilmer in _Real_Genius_]
----
"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I
might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry
her."
[Hoyt Axton in a marverlous Pizza Hut commercial]
----
"Is that how a warped
brain like your's gets
its kicks? By planning
the deaths of innocent
people?"
"No... by *causing* the
deaths of innocent
people."
[Lex Luthor and Superman discuss Fun Evenings in _Superman_]
----
"Living without hallucinations is like breathing
with only one nostril."
[Wisdom from a dying Weisshaupt in CEREBUS]
----
"REVERT!"
"REVERT!"
"REVERT!"
"REVERT!"
"Hi HO! Hi HO!"
"SHUT UP!"
[Those loveable De-Evolutionaries in ZOT!]
----
"You... VILLAIN, you."
[Zot]
----
"Expect the Unexpected.
He does." -->
[Buckaroo Banzai novel quote]
----
"If he's not one thing, he's another."
[Buckaroo Banzai novel quote]
----
He's hard as rock, tough as nails, dense as
concrete. He's...
[Moi]
----
"A man who has no business being anyone's role
model..."
[Kelvin Mace]
----
"Aha! Pronoun trouble!"
[Daffy Duck]
----
"You tweachewous miscweant!"
[Elmer Fudd]
----
"Ya does that once more, and I'm not a-goin' in
after it!"
[Yosemite Sam]
----
"Happily, I read English."
[Draws sword] "Then read
it happily."
[Exchange in the 1950s production of IVANHOE]
----
"Threats are illogical, and payment is often
expensive."
[Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey To Babel", Star Trek]
----
"This used to be a peaceful town."
[That rotter Cobb (Brian Dennehey) in SILVERADO]
----
"...Somehow... the idea of a mouse, with lipstick
and eyelashes and a dress with high-heeled shoes;
a mouse ten times bigger than the biggest RAT...
this idea has always made me sick!"
[Darnold Duck, in Harvey Kurtzman and Bill Elder's brilliant Disney satire
Mickey Rodent]
----
"I've always hated that sign and all its cheap film
noir symbolism."
[Kelvin Mace]
----
"`Where the hell's my cookie?!' WHAM!"
[Clonezone the Hilariator's punchline for The Killing Joke]
----
"I don't like this... it
was too easy."
"You think it was a trap,
huh?"
"NAH... It was just too
easy... I didn't get to
shoot NEAR enough
people..."
[Kelvin Mace and Assistant]
----
"I'll maim, but no
killing."
"It isn't even human!
It's just a filthy,
smelly demon from
another dimension."
"Oh, well, that's
different!"
[The Badger and Ham]
----
[Sung to "Supercalifragalisticexpyaladocious"]
"Pillage, rape and loot and burn, but all in moderation;
If you do the things we say, you soon will rule the nation;
Kill your foes and enemies, and then kill your relations
Pillage, rape and loot and burn, but all in moderation!"
[Mike Schuh, friend and colleague]
----
"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure
out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he
could roll over and all that, but did that deserve
a series?"
[The awful movie EXPLORERS -- the stand-up alien]
----
"Today, my jurisdiction ends here."
[John Cleese, SILVERADO]
----
"Open Channel D..."
[The Man From U.N.C.L.E.]
----
"In the end, it will be the insects who rule the
earth."
-- Noted scientist
"In the end, who cares?"
-- Remo Williams
"End? What end? You whites will be with us
forever."
-- Chiun, Master of Sinanju
[Intro to a DESTROYER novel]
----
"He was sweet and sincere and giving and good...
AND A CHERISHED NEIGHBOR UNDESERVING OF SUCH A
FATE!!
"Nevertheless, better him than me. Amen."
[Eulogy given by Banana PC Jr to Opus in Bloom County]
----
"Don't embarrass us."
"Have I ever?"
[Buckaroo Banzai and Perfect Tommy in BUCKAROO BANZAI]
----
"If this is foreplay, I'm a dead man!"
[Mental Sex in COCOON]
----
"By the way, I paid for the whole trip on Mr.
Underhill's American Express card. Want the
number?"
[Closing Line from the movie Fletch]
----
"You are still dead,
then?"
"Oh yeah, hey, totally."
[A dead Peter Whyte to Jack Morrison on St. Elsewhere]
----
"For I perceive that
behind this seemingly
unrelated sequence of
events, there lurks a
singular, sinister
attitude of mind."
"Whose?"
"MINE! HA-HA!"
[Firesign Theatre, The Giant Rat of Summatra]
----
"These are DARK TIMES for
all mankind's HIGHEST
VALUES!"
"These are DARK TIMES
for FREEDOM and
PROSPERITY!"
"These are GREAT TIMES to
put your money on BAD
GUY to kick the CRAP out
of MEGATON MAN!"
[Megaton Man]
----
THE DAILY PLANET
SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
Plans to "Eat it later".
[Ambush Bug]
----
"SAVE US, Megaton Man! SAVE US!"
"PROTECT US, Megaton Man! PROTECT US!"
"THINK for us, Megaton Man, THINK for us!"
"MOW MY LAWN FOR ME, Megaton Man,
MOW MY LAWN FOR ME!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"LOOK at them! Helpless,
tender creatures, relying
on ME, waiting for ME to
make my move!"
"Move your ASS,
Fat-head!"
"It is a MANDATE, and I am
DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"You're all MISTAKEN! I got 65 girlfriends -- and
a LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP in the NATIONAL RIFLE
ASSOCIATION!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"Try it NOW, you murderous poopheads!!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Hide the wenches and batten down the access
codes... yer about to be boarded, ye scurvy
network news dogs! Har Har..."
[Bloom County]
----
"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to
think there's some higher meaning to all this. It
would certainly reflect well on you."
[Matthew Broderick in _Ladyhawke_]
----
Call me Moriarty, Zeck, Karla, or Bloefeld;
just don't call me late for dinner.
[Moi]
----
"I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth
and you don't."
-- Nero Wolfe, OVER MY DEAD BODY
----
"I have no talents. I have genius or nothing. But
all genius is distorted, even my own."
[Nero Wolfe]
----
"You have heard me speak
of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific
criminal, as famous
among crooks as--"
"My blushes, Watson,"
Holmes murmured, in a
deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as
he is unknown to the
public.'"
-- Dr. John Watson,
THE VALLEY OF FEAR
----
"But in calling Moriarty a criminal you are
uttering libel in the eyes of the law, and there
lies the glory and the wonder of it. The greatest
schemer of all time, the organizer of every
devilry, the controlling brain of the
underworld.... That's the man."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"]
----
"I can tell a Moriarty when I see one. This crime
is from London, not America."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Valley of Fear"]
----
"The man pervades London, and no one has heard of
him."
[One of the two previous quotes]
----
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
-- Mark Twain
"When in doubt, book 'em."
-- Steve McGarret, Five-O
[The fortune program]
----
Ronald Reagan: America's favorite placebo
[The fortune program]
----
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
[The fortune program]
----
Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you.
[The fortune program]
----
"Do you think what we're
doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong!
It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything
illegal before."
"I thought you said you
were an accountant?"
[Two characters in _A_Private_Function_]
----
"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the
ever-widening hole in
it!"
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"This Land is made of Mountains,
This Land is made of Mud,
This Land has lots of Everything,
For me and Elmer Fudd..."
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"OHHLYMPIAA! Olympia!"
"Osiris!"
"My friend!"
"What has happened to
your nose?"
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"We're all Bozos on this bus."
[The Firesign Theatre, from the alblum of the same name]
----
"The Angels...! The
angels were speaking to
me! And do you know what
they said?"
"No... vhat?"
"`We are the men from
Texaco,
We work from Maine to
Mexico,
We're close to you no
matter who you are...'"
[Jeremy Acorn, a take-off on Johnny Appleseed, who is crazy enough to be
able to hear radio broadcasts from 1950; from JOURNEY]
----
"You can't go in there!"
"Yes I can. This is
America. I can go
anywhere I want to."
[The two main characters in Rob Reiner's wonderful _The_Sure_Thing_]
----
"And that was the end of Grogan, the man who killed
my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my
ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible!"
[Romancing The Stone]
----
"I could not rest, Watson, I could not sit quiet in
my chair, knowing a man such as Moriarty walked
the streets of London unchallenged."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"]
----
"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss $3 goodbye!"
[Hardware Wars]
----
"You can thank the Rock 'n
Roll detector for leading
you to your doom!"
"Thanks!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"There they are! Dirty
Towel-Heads!
HEEEEEEY-OOOOH!"
"What are you doing?
We're on your side!
We're with the U.N.!"
"You-Win, huh? I'll show
you what we think of you
One-Worlders! Eat Lead,
Bedouin Thugs!"
[The Caped Madman, from the Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"I'm going to have you wrapped in a U.S. flag and
burned personally by the President, in high octane
American gasoline!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"OW! Rubber spider venom! That's not fair!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash
missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard
personal feelings about city and intercept."
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"My sense of purpose is
gone! I have no idea who
I AM!"
"Oh, my God... You've..
You've turned him into a
DEMOCRAT!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist
poop!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Scotty, I need Warp Drive in three minutes or
we're all dead!"
[Star Trek II (I just find this line hysterically funny...)]
----
"I don't DESERVE this!! I haven't even KILLED
anyone in this issue!"
[Kobra, in an Ambush Bug story in DC Presents]
----
"Strong men blench! Women scream! Children
vomit!"
[Gaston Piston in NEIL THE HORSE]
----
"Honey, this is GREAT coffee."
[Harrison Ford in _Witness_]
----
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a
comic book, what *can* you believe?!"
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
----
"Nobody here but us folk heroes."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Hey, man, I'm an
electrician!"
"MAKE MY DAY! MAKE MY
DAY!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"'OLIVE LOAF VIGILANTE' PUMMELS STREET MIMES...
Hundreds call police praising mystery man."
[Bloom County]
----
"Awww..."
"Don't let that 'sweet'
act fool ya, Harry!
They're DANGEROUS
ASSASSINS!"
[Two guards from ZOT!]
----
"Now, for the LAST TIME,
old man, WHO ARE YOU
WORKING FOR?"
"And as I told you
*already*, sir, I'm
SELF-EMPLOYED and PROUD
OF IT!"
[A beauracratic villain and Uncle Max from ZOT!]
----
"It's a job for YOU,
Dangermouse..."
"Oh, *good* old DM!"
"...AND Penfold."
"Oh, 'eck."
[Dangermouse]
----
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit
down to watch ST. ELSEWHERE, won't scream, `FORGET
IT, BLANCHE... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE HAW'!!'"
[Bloom County]
----
"This cognac is older than God."
[The pilot to Codename: Foxfire, a TV series that went into the sewer faster
than you can say "A-Team"...]
----
"Well, Penfold, it looks
like we'll have to save
the world again."
"Ooh, 'eck..."
[Dangermouse]
----
"It just doesn't make any
sense, Penfold!"
"But our adventures NEVER
make any sense, DM!"
[Dangermouse]
----
"My God! Are we sure he
was a liberal?"
"Pretty sure. They
pulled him from a
Volvo."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt
of elderberries!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the greatest source of signoff lines known
to man...]
----
"I'm not SURE that that
makes sense, DM."
"Well, it is a CARTOON,
sir..."
[Dangermouse]
----
"NOW how much would you pay? But wait, there's
less! Order now, and we'll include the amazing
$17,000 coffee pot! It boils, it boils... it even
boils!"
[Harry Shearer on Saturday Night Live]
----
"...Who'z dat guy?"
"That's Berhard Goetz."
"Bern-hard Getzz? De jazz
musician?"
[Fernando on Saturday Night Live]
----
"If you tell the truth, you must smile.
Otherwise, people will kill you."
[Good question... I don't know. Fortune Program?]
----
"He even looks like God...
except his hands are in
his pockets."
"They should be, he's got
four dead Presidents in
'em."
[Albert Finny and a forgotten actress in _Wolfen_]
----
"You'd do it for Randolph
Scott."
"*gasp* RANDOLPH SCOTT!"
[Blazing Saddles]
----
"Some tottyhead is mixing genres!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Texxon... Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt."
[Saturday Night Live ad]
----
"I must say, you look *maahvelus*."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
----
"My friends, it is better to look good than to feel
good."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
----
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"
[James Coburn in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_]
----
Blessed Me,
[A jibe at Jeff Hull]
----
Any opposing views may simply go to hell.
[The fortunes program]
----
"There *are* standards. If you can't see one, you
*make* one and stick to it come Hell or high water
-- until you see a BETTER one."
-- John Gaunt
[John Gaunt, aka GRIMJACK]
----
"Deep space is my dwelling place, the stars my
destination."
[Alfred Bester's "The Stars My Destination"]
----
"They dared to call me mad! ME! HA! HA! HA!...."
[Uh, me, on a bad night after too many Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ales...]
----
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."
[Often attributed to Adlai Stevenson or Dick Tuck]
----
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good
bartender laughs anyway!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"But I guess I'm just stating the very obvious
(shutup, Penny, shutup!)."
[Penny Priddy in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Oh, intercourse the penguin!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Lithium is no longer available on credit."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"History is made at night. Character is what you
are in the dark."
[Doctor Lizardo/John Whorfin in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"It's not MY GODDAMN PLANET, Monkey Boy!"
[John BigBoote (Big-Boot-tay) in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"There's more hoods than
we thought!"
"Then shoot MORE
BULLETS!"
[That champion of Justice, The FLAMING CARROT]
----
"Hi. This is God."
"Uh-Oh..."
[Doonesbury]
----
"...for DEATH awaits you all, with nasty sharp
pointy teeth!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
----
"She's not only merely dead, she's really most
sincerely dead."
[A munchkin in _The_Wizard_of_Oz_]
----
"He is the Napoleon of Crime, Watson..."
[Sherlock Holmes in "The Final Problem"]
----
"DANGER is my BUSINESS."
[Cool McCool, in his cartoon series of the late 60s]
----
"Nun-beating? Good Lord, man, I can't condone
THAT!"
[Bloom County]
----
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
[Frank Acme Jr., in The Firesign Theatre's alblum "The Giant Rat of
Summatra"]
----
"Pfui. More people saying what they believe would
be a great improvement. Because I do I am unfit
for common intercourse."
-- Nero Wolfe, BLOOD WILL TELL
----
"Negative, sucker. You
need a smoking pistol and
you know it."
"Right you are. Where
are those handguns when
we really need them?"
[Doonesbury]
----
"Are they being
mistreated?"
"Only by a few fanatics.
Mostly local anchormen."
[Doonesbury]
----
"But I'd rather eat Johnson!"
[Monty Python]
----
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.
He's the brains of the outfit."
GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
----
"That's the biz, sweetheart."
[Remo Williams, The Destroyer]
----
"...in an iron coffin, with spikes on the inside!"
[Monty Python's "Matching Tie & Handerkerchief Alblum]
----
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just
drunk."
-- John Huston
----
Be there. Aloha.
[Steve McGarret, Five-Oh]
----
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...
[Hunter S. Thompson]
----
Be firm, fly low and stay cool....
[Duke, from Doonesbury]
----
"Pfui."
[Nero Wolfe]
----
"...it's people like you what cause unrest."
[Monty Python]
----
"Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to
tell the difference."
[The Fortunes Program]
----
"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of
Science?"
[Monty Python & the Holy Grail]
----
"Cheese it, cheddar-breath, you can't fight
America's Action Hero, see?"
[Gangster in The Firesign Theatre's production of "The Giant Rat of
Summatra"]
----
"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt."
[A T-shirt in the comics version of "Myth Adventures"]
----
"What kind of ANIMAL would
DO a thing like this?"
"Whoop Whoop Whoop..."
[AMBUSH BUG]
----
"Do what you want with the girl, but leave me
alone!!"
[George Carlin]
----
"Just remember, he knows
more than you do!"
"I have a Master's
Degree!"
"In SCIENCE!"
[Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre's Ask Mr. Science]
----
"The maniac will please refrain from waxing
nostalgic."
[SPACED (Don't read it, it's garbage)]
----
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-picken' varmint!"
[Yosemite Sam]
----
"Look, if anyone else pinches my phrase, I'll throw
them under a camel!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Master of the emotional belly flop."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Yes Ma'am. So will Jesus, but I ain't waitin' up
nights."
[Doonesbury]
----
"WATCH OUT, Comrade! He's
bearing ARMS, as is his
constitutional right!"
"Eat TEFLON, Ivan!"
"Retreat! Back to
Moscow!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"Hey, George. Our Soviet Masters on line 3."
[Doonesbury]
----
Guns don't kill people. I don't kill people.
Moran, HE kills people.
[Moi]
----
"Hurry! They're freaking
out on stale Heineken!!"
"I'M A FROG! I'M A
FROG!"
[Bloom County]
----
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically."
[Monty Python]
----
"Avast, ye scurvy corporate dogs! Prepare to be
boarded!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Return with us now to those thrilling days of
yesteryear...."
[The Lone Ranger]
----
"Say no more, Say no more!"
[Monty Python]
----
"The more you drive, the less intelligent you are."
[_Repo_Man_]
----
"....and his hideous clockwork dog, Toto...."
[Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"There's something you don't see every day."
[_Ghostbusters_]
----
"This looks like a job for BICYCLE REPAIRMAN!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Laugh while you can, Monkey Boy!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things
downtown!"
[_Ghostbusters_]
----
"It looks like a photon pod... but it's a verrry
bad design."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Badges? We don't need no steenken badges!"
[_Treasure_of_the_Sierra_Madres_]
----
When in this world the headlines read
of those whose hearts are filled with greed
who rob and steal from those who need
To right this wrong with blinding speed
Goes Underdog! (UNDERDOG!)
Underdog
(UNDERDOG!)
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
Underdog (Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Underdog
UNDERDOG!
[Oh, come on, guess...]
----
When Polly's in trouble I am not slow,
it's hip hip hip and away I go!
[Underdog]
----
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"How is this possible?"
"We keep him upstairs in
a big plastic bubble."
[Doonesbury, refering to Zonker Harris]
----
"Of COURSE, dummy! They
invade each other to stay
in shape!"
"That's what makes them
so tough..."
[Doonesbury]
----
"The Fourth Dimension is a
shambles?"
"Nobody ever empties the
ashtrays. People are SO
inconsiderate."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Go to it, sir! Good
luck!"
"Gosh, he's unflappable."
"Bill, this is a nickel,
and this is an
orange..."
[Doonesbury]
----
"BLAM! BLAM! POW! POW!"
"What's going on, Dad?"
"I'm defending our home
from foreign invaders,
son."
[Doonesbury]
----
"I support the right to arm bears."
[Bumper sticker]
----
"Mongo only pawn... in game of life."
[Alex Karras in _Blazing_Saddles_]
----
"...AND his God Damned CAT!!!"
["AMERICAN FLAGG!"]
----
"Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge, Know-what-I-mean,
Know-what-I-mean?"
[Monty Python]
----
If dementia has a name, it must be...
[Moi, after seeing the slogan for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Gore...]
----
"The bigger they are, the nicer they are..."
[Chiun, Master of Sinanju, from The Destroyer series]
----
"No. 1.... The LARCH."
[Monty Python]
----
"What do you want to talk
about?"
"I can talk about
anything, I've been to
college."
[The Fortunes Program]
----
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what
I'm doing."
-- Wernher von Braun
----
"Silver bullets MY ASS!"
[A werewolf in _The_Howling_]
----
"Hey, nice coat, man. What's in the pink box?"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Where are we going?!"
"PLANET 10!!"
"When are we leaving?!"
"REAL SOON!!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"No matter where you go... there you are."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Look.... up in the sky...
it's a bird... it's a
plane... it's a frog!"
"A frog?"
"Not bird nor plane nor
even frog, just little
old me, Underdog!"
[I think that's self-explanatory]
----
"...we do our part -- what's your problem?"
["AMERICAN FLAGG!"]
----
Just another garden-variety Communist dupe...
[Moi]
----
From the conning tower of The Submarine of the
Usenet
[Moi]
----
The Submarine of the Usenet
[Moi]
----
Heavens, they're tasty...
[Garrison Keillor, the greatest American humorist since Will Rogers, on the
radio program "A Prarie Home Companion"]
----
"Nick! Heath! Jarrad! There's a fire in the barn!"
[_Airplane_]
----
"...and several butcher's aprons."
[Monty Python]
----
"The wonder of it all."
[Bloom County]
----
"Rule two... no member of the faculty is to
maltreat the Abos in any way at all... if
there's anybody watching."
[Monty Python]
----
"Those who travel with him.... must be crazy."
[Slogan from _Indiana_Jones_and_the_Temple_of_Doom_]
----
"...the all-weather breakfast."
[The Firesign Theatre, "Nick Danger, Third Eye"]
----
"I'd do anything for a hundred pounds, of DOLLARS,
my dear Dudley!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull
a rabbit out of muy hat!"
"But that trick NEVER
works!"
"This time fer sure!"
[Rocky & Bullwinkle]
----
Necessity is a Mother -- no invention!
[Fortune Program]
----
"I have seen victory snatched from the hands of
other commanders."
[Sub-Commander Tal in the Star Trek comic]
----
"I just hired him and he's already off on a case!
What a brown-noser!"
[The Ambush Bug, in ACTION]
----
"If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!"
[Monty Python (Inspector Dim!)]
----
"Grab your Cape
And drop the phone
Your next stop is
The Joker Zone."
[The Joker]
----
"Americans love a winner... and WILL NOT TOLERATE a
loser."
[George C. Scott, _Patton_]
----
"You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest
WIITH... A HERRING!!"
[The Knights who no longer say "Ni", _Monty_Python_and_the_Holy_Grail_]
----
Trivia is my Business
[Moi]
----
"Can you say PAIN, boys and girls?"
[Mr. T visiting Mr. Robert's (Eddie Murphy's) Neighborhood]
----
"He's everywhere! He's everywhere!"
[That wonderful old Radio show, Chicken Man]
----
"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"
[Indiana Jones, _Raiders_of_the_Lost_Ark_]
----
"Noooobody expects THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!"
[Monty Python]
----
One of the last true Bohemians...
[Moi]
----
An eccentric America is a Safe America...
[Moi]
----
"That green-blooded, pointy-eared Son of a Bitch!"
[Dr. McCoy, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"Don't call me 'tiny'."
[Mr. Sulu, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
America's Actioned Hero,
[Moi]
----
"Aye, and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd have
been a wagon...."
[Mr. Scott, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"Wow... this is intense."
[_Repo_Man_]
----
"The word is no, I am therefore going anyway."
[Captain James T. Kirk, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"I understand that in this country Coke comes in
cans!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"Is this a trick question?"
[Bill Murray addressing a possessed Sigourney Weaver in _Ghostbusters_]
----
"Aim for the flat-top!"
[Dan Ackroyd in _Ghostbusters_]
----
"...I'm going to hit it with a stick."
[Dr. Hardin in DNAgents (you had to be there...)]
----
"I'm a BAAAAD boy!"
[Lou Costello]
----