Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Corrected 1992 List, Part 9 of 11] Message-ID: <1993May10.035627.22140@tc.fluke.COM> Keywords: Acres O' Quotes Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.035535.22080@tc.fluke.COM> Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:56:27 GMT Lines: 1851 "Just think! With the push of a button, you could be a 500-story gastropod -- a slug the size of the Chrysler Building." "Gosh, how can I refuse?" "Well, if you don't like that, be something else! I don't care!" [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind that transmogrification is a new technology." [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "The weed of crime bears *bitter fruit*... but there are limits..." [Even THE SHADOW can have second thoughts...] ---- "Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes ---- "Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins." -- Tom Stoppard ---- "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." -- Oscar Wilde ---- "Who sees all beings in his own Self, and his own Self in all beings, loses all fear." -- Isa Upanishad ---- "No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently." -- Agnes De Mille ---- "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." -- Erica Jong ---- "Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes." -- Henry David Thoreau ---- "One can acquire everything in solitude -- except character." -- Stendhal ---- "It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's got so much better." -- G. K. Chesterton ---- "Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones. It is easier to get a spark than a moral." -- John Burroughs ---- "Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald ---- "One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man." -- Elbert Hubbard ---- "I don't need psychotherapy, I have a CAR!!" -- Hans Fiedler ---- Should South Florida legalize casino gambling? As with any important issue, there are pros and cons. Here they are: PROS: Everybody would get rich. CONS: Everybody would get killed by gangsters. -- Dave Barry ---- "Great, you wasted all my Clearasil on another picture of Thor?" "Thor's my hero..." "Thor's a homo." "Is not." [From ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING] ---- "You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word." -- Al Capone ---- "New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you." -- David Letterman ---- "Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly." -- Henry Spencer ---- "I know engineers. They love to change things." -- Dr. McCoy ---- "...this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six million hardbound copies of 'The Naked Lunch.'" -- The Firesign Theater ---- Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. -- Andy Finkel ---- "I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme." -- Oliver North ---- "I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church." -- Thomas Paine ---- "It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." -- Thomas Jefferson ---- Sample Error Message from DEC's RSTS OS for the PDP-11: "UNIBUS TIMEOUT FATAL TRAP PROGRAM LOST SORRY" ---- Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. ---- "Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid." -- Indiana University football cheer ---- "I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died." -- Steven Wright ---- "Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint." -- Dave Sim ---- How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work. [rec.humor] ---- "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side." -- Han Solo ---- "Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas." -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" [Personal note: thus confirming my opinion of both Bond and Fleming...] ---- Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward. [Anonymous] ---- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read. [Groucho Marx] ---- "...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world." -- Garrison Keillor, LAKE WOBEGON DAYS ---- "This isn't brain surgery; it's just television." -- David Letterman ---- "Show business is just like high school, except you get paid." -- Martin Mull ---- "It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud." -- J. C. R. Licklider ---- "One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim." -- Henry Brook Adams ---- Thank God a million billion times that you don't live in Texas. -- Me (from a somewhat different Karl quote) ---- "Send lawyers, guns and money..." -- Warren Zevon ---- "Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again." -- Marvin ---- "Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" -- Ben Jonson ---- "There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them." -- Heisenberg ---- "Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it." -- Gordon R. Dickson ---- "Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles." -- Pat Paulsen ---- "Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations." -- Thomas Jefferson ---- "Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel." -- H. L. Mencken ---- "Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover." -- Bill Gates ---- "'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability." -- George Bernard Shaw ---- (To Walter Cronkite): "Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street." -- Neil Armstrong ---- "He hasn't one redeeming vice." -- Oscar Wilde ---- Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero. -- David Ellis ---- "If A equals success, then the formula is: A= X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." -- Albert Einstein ---- "The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts." -- Paul Erlich ---- "The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls." -- Father Robert F. Capon ---- "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." -- Ashleigh Brilliant ---- Don't lose Your head To gain a minute You need your head Your brains are in it. BURMA SHAVE ---- "Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it." -- Tallulah Bankhead ---- "I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability." -- Oscar Wilde ---- "The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jail break." -- Wavy Gravy ---- "Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles." -- Frank Lloyd Wright ---- "It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night." -- Willie Sutton ---- "No, it's 'Blessed are the meek.' I think that's nice, 'cause really they have a hell of a time." [A lovely little quote from MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN] ---- There are no bugs, only unrecognized features. [Anonymous] ---- Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there. [Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY] ---- "It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom window... or outside your bedroom, period." -- Groucho Marx ---- "We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than she ever did." -- Rufus T. Firefly [Groucho Marx] ---- University: A modern institution where football is taught. [Parapharsed from Ambrose Bierce's THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY, the definition for Academy ] ---- A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. [Anonymous] ---- "There will always be survivors." -- Robert Heinlen ---- The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% of a project takes 90% of the time. [Anonymous] ---- "It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt ---- Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. [Anonymous] ---- "Sylvester Stallone does Hamlet: 'To be, or what?'" -- Robin Williams ---- "Lack of skill dictates economy of style." -- Joey Ramone ---- "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do." -- Bob Dylan ---- "Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them." -- James Thurber ---- "I really appreciate The Writer's Guild. Under their health plan, I can get prescription drugs for $2 a pop." -- George Carlin ---- "Why is the camera moving around so much?" "It's a film style called cinema verite." "Huh? What's that?" "It's a fancy French expression for 'sloppy camera work'." -- The Tracy Ullman Show ---- GEORGE BUSH at the College of Southern Idaho, 5/6/88: Regarding President Reagan, "For 7 1/2 years I've worked alongside him, and I'm proud to be his partner. We've had triumphs, we've made mistakes, we've had sex." "Setbacks," he quickly corrected. "We've had setbacks." ---- "If the airport books are any indication, there are at least 450,000 evil Nazi World War II geniuses still at large, many of them with atomic laser cannons." -- Dave Barry ---- "I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pedantic and that's just as good." -- D Gary Grady ---- "Now you have accidentally said something valuable!" [Hercule Poirot in MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS] ---- "But, will I get the chicks? I mean, in truckloads?" [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "What a pinhead! Does he not fear us?!" [SAM AND MAX, FREELANCE POLICE] ---- "Vaya con dios, scumbucket." [Roger LaCoco from WISEGUY] ---- "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!" [Lloyd Bridges from AIRPLANE!] ---- I don't care if it rains or freezes, As long as I got my plastic Jesus, Riding on the dashboard of my car. I can do a hundred miles an hour! Long as I got the almighty power, Way up there with my pair of fuzzy dice. [Don Imus, The Plastic Jesus Song] ---- "A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with." [SLEDGE HAMMER!] ---- "The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems." [CALVIN & HOBBES] ---- "Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas." -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson ---- "Comedy. Sudden, violent comedy!" [Monty Python] ---- "Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them." [Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of ALL World Knowledge] ---- "Hey, stewardess. Run through that seatbelt demonstration a few more times. It's unbelievably tricky!" [Sam & Max] ---- "We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it." -- Dave Barry ---- "Spontaneous combustion! What a stroke of luck!" [SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE] ---- "He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him 'Dude'." [Ty Templeton's STIG'S INFERNO] ---- "...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..." [CALVIN & HOBBES] ---- "Mind your manners, son! I've got a tall pointy hat!" [Elrod from CEREBUS] ---- "Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage." [John Cleese of Monty Python] ---- "You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat and I had my hands about it." -- Rorschach [WATCHMEN] ---- "I've got to concentrate. I've got to concentrate! ..Hello? ..Echo! ..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!" [AIRPLANE!] ---- "The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor." -- Richard M. Nixon ---- "Spare me, gentle knight! Tenure shalt thee have, and gold, and several attractive female teaching assistants." [Gary's fantasy from thirty-something] ---- "Whoever said talk is cheap never saw a bill for Phonesex." -- Michael Corcoran ---- "On our third date, I plan to screw your eyes blue." "Yup.... just an old- fashioned girl." [MIRACLE MILE] ---- "My next storyline has the Punisher going after the Attorney General. This should be good." -- Mike Baron ---- "Last year they got food poisoning. This year they got Bill Gates." -- MacWeek on the NAUG meeting ---- "In the handbook, it says that most people ignore the strange and unusual; while I myself *am*... strange and unusual." [BEETLEJUICE] ---- "One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe." -- Tom Anderson ---- "Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch." -- Robert Orben ---- "The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once." [Anonymous] ---- Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens. [Anonymous] ---- "An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; a pessimist fears this is true." [Anonymous] ---- "Be suspicious of anything that works perfectly -- it's probably because two errors are canceling each other out." -- Dave Bartley ---- "A feature is a bug with seniority." -- Dave Bartley ---- "If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football." -- Chuck Newcombe ---- "If hyperspace did not already exist, science fiction writers would have had to invent it." -- Peter Oakley ---- "It is customary in these situations for the developer of the plan to explain it." "It is also customary for the DETECTIVE to explain how HE figured it out!" [Steve Martin and Carl Reiner battle it out in DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR PLAID] ---- "Is it really that good? It couldn't be, could it? I mean, a first attempt by a total amateur?" "I'll tell you how good that is: even a gifted director couldn't hurt it." [from DEATHTRAP] ---- "Dead? No excuse for laying off work." [God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson) in TIME BANDITS] ---- "Yes... why do we have to have evil?" "Ah, I think it's something to do with free will." [God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson) in TIME BANDITS] ---- Woodard's Law: You can have it right, or you can have it now. But you can't have it right now. ---- "The universe has fascinated mankind for many, many years, dating back to the very earliest episodes of "Star Trek", when the brave crew of the Enterprise set out, wearing pajamas, to explore the boundless voids of space, which turned out to be as densely populated as Queens, New York. Virtually every planet they found was inhabited, usually by evil beings with cheap costumes and Russian accents, so finally the brave crew of the Enterprise returned to Earth to gain weight and make movies." -- Dave Barry ---- "The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?" -- Tom Carey ---- "Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself." [Anonymous] ---- "The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." -- Harlan Ellison ---- "When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic." -- John Kenneth Galbraith ---- "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." -- Sir Winston Churchill ---- "Nature is very un-American. Nature never hurries." -- William George Jordan ---- "We learn from history that we learn nothing from history." -- George Bernard Shaw ---- "Flattery is all right -- as long as you don't inhale." -- Adlai Stevenson ---- "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." -- Bernard Berenson ---- "Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing." -- Robert Orben ---- "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James ---- "To talk to a child, to fascinate him, is much more difficult than to win an electoral victory. But it is also much more satisfying." -- Colette ---- "Tell the truth and run." -- Yugoslav proverb ---- "The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back." -- Abigail Van Buren ---- "Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning." -- Marlo Thomas ---- "Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit." -- David McCord ---- "The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults." -- Peter De Vries ---- "It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." -- Alfred Adler ---- "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -- Helen Keller ---- "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." -- Albert Einstein ---- "Success covers a multitude of blunders." -- Corporate motto of Microsoft [Actually, it was George Bernard Shaw] ---- "The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." -- William Stekel ---- "There's this to say for blood and breath, They give a man a taste for death." -- Housman ---- "So that's it in a nutshell, Phil. We're here to take over your planet and enslave all you goobers what live here..." "Never mind that -- what about *women's issues*? What do you think about equal pay? I could just weep!" [Phil Donahue talks to alien invaders in WHAT TH...?!, a completely forgettable comic] ---- "The year is 2989. New York City has become a melting pot for humans and various alien races. Blind dates are a real crap shoot now." [From ROACHMILL] ---- "Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..." [That darned BADGER...] ---- "So tell me... did you remember to ask for World Domination?" "Whoops... I knew I forgot something!" [That darned BADGER...] ---- "As that pudgy ex-Genesis drummer, I put the entire state of Connecticut to sleep and stole their wallets." [A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC DISRUPTORS] ---- "Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?" [A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC DISRUPTORS] ---- "Just because I'm not a real person doesn't mean I'm not a *good* person." "That's... that's beautiful, Fuzz. You want to host a telethon?" [A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC DISRUPTORS] ---- "Stop it! You're pinching my arm!" "You're lucky I don't rip it off and beat yer girlfriend with it!" [A Mark Martin satire of the Charles Atlas ads...] ---- "Ever see a Dirty Harry movie?" "Yessir!" "Like 'em?" "Yessir! Very much so!" [A soldier with a gun to his head in THE AMERICAN] ---- "According to my instruments -- they're preparing to jump into hyper-space... or go to warp drive... or something like that." [Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. 3 points.] ---- "Gross! GROSS! GRRROSSSS!" "But VERY Cronenberg." [Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. 3 points.] ---- "Shulang it! This is exactly the treatment we've come to expect from Delta Airlines!" [BADGER in NEXUS] ---- "We need the boat to cross the next zone!" "We need the hat to impress girls, and stupid natives!" [BADGER in NEXUS] ---- "Civilization! Look for a Burger King." [BADGER in NEXUS] ---- "Nuns... No sense of humor." [HIGHLANDER] ---- "Do we have any more animals that Grandma can torture?" [NOTHING IN COMMON] ---- "Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards." -- Soren F. Petersen ---- "You're going to burn in Hell for this." "I don't believe in Hell. I believe in unemployment." [TOOTSIE] ---- "You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this". [THE LOST BOYS] ---- "I'm going to throw up all over you." "Go ahead, it won't show on this shirt". [THE RUNNING MAN (yes, it's an Arnie line)] ---- "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant... *I* want to be Cary Grant." -- Archibald Leach ---- "We're going to kill each other, aren't we?" [THE KILLING JOKE] ---- "Don't get even... get mad!" [THE KILLING JOKE] ---- "But I guess nobody gets to live happily ever after anymore, do they?" [Abby in SWAMP THING] ---- "Plastic gun. Ingenious. More coffee, please." [Lee Falk's THE PHANTOM by Peter David] ---- "But you other two, I don't see any place for you in the revolution. ESPECIALLY YOU, Kate Straight! If you persist in playing that awful crunchy granola folk music all the time!" [A Chinese Communist Col. whose life is changed by R&B in SONIC DISRUPTORS] ---- "The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy." [Anonymous] ---- "If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average." -- Bill Cosby ---- "If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." -- Woody Allen ---- "A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten." -- Doug Larson ---- "If God had really intended men to fly, He'd have made it easier to get to the airport." -- George Winters ---- "The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was." -- Walt West ---- "Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone." -- G. B. Stearn ---- "In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current." -- Thomas Jefferson ---- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. [Anonymous] ---- "Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk." -- Doug Larson ---- "Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?" -- A. Brilliant ---- "Yow! That Sklar guy leaves a road behind him!" "Good! Look for a McDonald's!" [The Badger makes another cognizant observation, in NEXUS] ---- "You're a lot of GRIEF, Badge. I'm going to write you with tight underwear, or something." [Creator Mike Baron harangues the Badger...] ---- "But I can't excuse that FLASH GORDON review. That was the *dumbest* movie ever made." [A fan of Baron's who can't excuse just *one* little thing] ---- "I don't know what their gripe is. A critic is simply someone paid to render opinions glibly." "Critics are grinks and groinks." [Baron and Badger] ---- "I used to do movie reviews in town. They never forgave me for liking FLASH GORDON." "You must be nuts. I liked it, too." [Baron and Badger] ---- "It's true... I consume 47 times my own weight in fast-food burgers. They call me the human Rolaid." [Baron and Badger] ---- "As Mayor of Houston, it gives me great pleasure to award you this Texas Freedom Award and a gold Neiman Marcus charge card." [Foo-fa-raa in BADGER] ---- "Quick! A Mai-Tai!" [Foo-fa-raa in BADGER] ---- "If you wants something cheap, try McCrory's." [Foo-fa-raa in BADGER] ---- "That buffalo is the greatest figure skater I've ever seen! I must sign him to STAR in my next show!" [Foo-fa-raa in BADGER] ---- "HEY, LARRY! DITCH THE JACKET!" [Foo-fa-raa in BADGER] ---- "Hey, I think his heart has stopped." "Let's give him a few more minutes." [Penny and Hopey discussing the results of a sexual encounter in LOVE & ROCKETS] ---- "Why, I'd recognize those boobs anywhere." [Hopey spots Penny in LOVE & ROCKETS] ---- "Israel today announced that it is giving up. The Zionist state will dissolve in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities around the world. Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the aggravation?'" -- Dennis Miller, SNL News ---- "Bush? OK, he's experienced, but he's never going to be a GREAT liar. He can hardly bamboozle Dan Rather. How's he going to do up against bloodthirsty, power-mad dictator, like Margaret Thatcher?" -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report." -- Dave Barry ---- "All you Klingons, you want to ravage helpless Earthwomen. Brute." [They really should have named this, "I Married a Klingon." From DC's STAR TREK] ---- "SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! [offer void where prohibited]" [Capitalists from outer space! From the JLI] ---- "I'm shouting again. I've got to watch that." [One of said invaders worrying about appearances....] ---- "Roman Polanski makes his own blood. He's smart -- that's why his movies work." [A brilliant director at FRANK'S PLACE] ---- "I'll get my revenge on all of society! I'll build a mighty criminal empire!" [Mobieus's career criminal] ---- "Badger! Grab something and *hang on*!" "Right-Oh! I'm hanging onto this 1890 Liberty Head Silver Dollar!" [Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS] ---- "Avast, ye slobs! Deploy the mizzen mast! Rotate the rubber baby buggy bumpers!" [Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS] ---- "Well, I read somewhere that to kill a vampire, you have to behead it and fill its mouth with holy wafers." "Really?" "I knew you'd like that." [The fun part is AFTER you drive the stake through the heart. HERO SANDWICH] ---- "You know, you're more in need of a blow job than any other white man in the history of the human race." [Robin Williams, GOOD MORNING VIETNAM] ---- "The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists." [Dave Barry] ---- "Maybe there is not one damn villain in the world..." [The Question] ---- "Gee... these guys really ARE impervious!" [The Badger vs. demon bike gangs from Hell. Guess who wins?] ---- "General, a machine becomes human when you can't tell the difference." [From D.A.R.Y.L.] ---- "Taste cold justice, you disreputable henchman-types!" [Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat! (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series)] ---- "Butter becomes weightless?.... Raymond Burr must be in orbit by now." [Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat! (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series)] ---- I think it's part of a corporate discipline program for Disney executives: "Johnson, your department is over budget again. You know what that means." "No! Please!" "Yes! Into the Goofy suit!" -- Dave Barry ---- The spokesperson told me that one of the hot toys for boys this year, once again, is the G.I. Joe action figure and "accessories," which is the toy industry code word for guns, as in: "Don't nobody move! I got an accessory!" -- Dave Barry ---- "I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain.'" --Tammy Faye Bakker ---- It's safe to vote for Gary Hart, but only if you wear a condom. [From an article in the NEW REPUBLIC] ---- GARY HART: Living proof that your really *can* fuck your brains out. [From an article in the NEW REPUBLIC] ---- "Well, here we are in the Phillippines!" "Drawn without reference material, apparently." [The superbly loony SAM AND MAX] ---- "Holy jumping Mother O' God in a sidecar with chocolate Jimmies and a Lobster Bib!" [The superbly loony SAM AND MAX] ---- "We must teach him, Max! Hey, where do you *keep* that gun?" "None of your damn business, Sam." [The superbly loony SAM AND MAX] ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Nov. 12th In continuing media coverage of the Character Issue, presidential candidates named Bruce "Dick" Babbitt and Albert "Dick" Gore Jr. state that they have tried marijuana, but no longer use it. "Now we just drink gin till we throw up," they state. George Bush reveals that he tried to smoke marijuana, but nobody would give him any. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 23rd The Senate rejects Bork. President Reagan, informed of this by his aides, angrily responds: "Who?" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 8th Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Sept. 28th In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S. gunboat engages in a scuffle with actor Sean Penn. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- August 20th In Miami, alert Metrorail police arrest a woman for permitting her child to eat a Vienna sausage. Bystanders applaud this courageous law-enforcement action by firing their revolvers into the air. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- August 10th As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this is true -- "Contra." The way it works is, there are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- June 29th In Wimbledon action, John McEnroe kills a line judge and is given a stern warning. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- May 17th The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which, under our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for violent confrontation with Iran. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- May 5th The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen. Daniel Inouye doing his hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being played at 33 r.p.m. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Feb 1st A new policy requiring random drug testing of all airline pilots runs into a snag when nearly half of the Delta pilots are unable to hit the specimen bottle. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 4th The United States yacht Stars and Stripes recaptures the coveted America's Cup when the Australian entry, Kookaburra, is sunk by a Chinese-made "Silkworm" missile. The U.S. Sixth Fleet steams toward the troubled region with orders to "form humungous targets." ---- "Aman-Tut and Julius Caesar -- they both foresaw their untimely deaths, thousands of years ago, in this very oracle. And so did Max Headroom." [ABC seeks after David Addison with help from a soothsayer, in MOONLIGHTING] ---- "I thought you were a Right Guy, Huntley... but I'm ashamed to be in the same chain gang with you." [David is critically evaluated by a fellow prisoner in MOONLIGHTING] ---- "Blessed be those Who initiate lively discussions With the hopelessly mute For they shall be know as Dentists." [Seen in my dentist's office] ---- "Yeah, a dead sixteen-year-old falls from the sky -- that'll surprise them!" [Frank comment from BEANS BAXTER] ---- "Und then it says here he sings 'Pigs? In There?' over und over. What a very silly person." -- Conrad Schnitzler, German synthesist for The Bulldaggers [From SAVAGE HENRY] ---- "Adventure builds a thirst! What a guy!" -- The neo-Canton guy [From SAVAGE HENRY] ---- "See? You NEED me... like Skipper needs Gilligan!" -- The Flaming Carrot ---- "It isn't spread by casual contact, you know." "Yeah, *I* know! Why did YOU pull back?" "People. I love 'em." [Observations on humanity in CONCRETE] ---- "Oh dear... well, if you don't get her to a very powerful Shaman right away -- she'll die." "We got an Elder God in the van. Will he do?" [SAVAGE HENRY] ---- "Well, Henry, we did all we could to save her... ... so, naturally, she survived." [SAVAGE HENRY] ---- "I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon." -- Howard Chaykin ---- "By an inevitable chain of causes and effects, Providence punishes national sins by national calamities." -- George Mason ---- "Now, my faithful minions, let me explain my plan... for the benefit of the audience." [The Kingpin -- not the fat one -- from Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series] ---- "Now, please excuse me while I wreak my vengeance." [Huge the Barbarian from the same cartoon] ---- "Welcome to Amboy 4. We are pleased to have your puny planet participate in our Intergalactic livestock show and demolition derby." [MIGHTY MOUSE show] ---- "Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say 'commit the man.'" [The Secretary of Defense from BUCKAROO BANZAI] ---- "We've replaced the fine coffee at Mssr. Andre's with sand and ground-up clam shells." [A line from a vacuam ad I like] ---- "They [South Africa] have eliminated the segregation that we once had in our own country -- the type of thing where hotels and restaurants and places of entertainment and so forth were segregated -- that has all been eliminated." -- President Reagan, 1985 ---- "A tree is a tree. How many more do you need to look at?" -- Ronald Reagan, 1966 ---- "On the other hand, it takes real moral fiber to remain a Republican when there's no money in it. And things *are* looking grim on the financial front. Even worse for the President, they're getting confusing." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "You know, you look at the chaos in the conservative camp right now, it's only too tempting to blame it all on pot. But in fact, the Reagan revolution owes a lot to Reefer. For one thing, it's made the symptoms of senility socially acceptable." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "Political observers noted that Governor Mario Cuomo last week altered his position on running for the Presidency; he now says that if everyone in the world got down on their hands and knees and said, 'Please, Mario, Please, Please, Please be President!', then he would." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News ---- "President Reagan, embarrassed by Ed Meese's incompetence in the Ginsburg nomination, verbally lambasted the Attorney General and his wife at a White House dinner earlier this week by shouting 'I hate the Meeses to pieces!'" -- Dennis Miller, SNL News ---- "What about you, you ever kill anything?" "No, I think killing animals for sport is wrong." "So you wouldn't kill an animal, huh?... Would you kill a MOOSE that was molesting your WIFE?" -- The Mountain Man [One of Dana Carvey's great SNL character] ---- "Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear strapped to your butt?." "No." "'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek." -- The Mountain Man [One of Dana Carvey's great SNL character] ---- "I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law review, on search and seizure. Man, that was really Out There." "I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..." [Ginsburg at a smoke-in on SNL] ---- "Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke." [Ginsburg at a smoke-in on SNL] ---- Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker? A: Say, "Hey, waiter!" [from rec.humor.funny] ---- "I wouldn't say that Wall Street is a TOTAL disaster zone... but I saw Malcolm Forbes this morning sucking subway tokens out of a turnstile." [David Letterman] ---- "It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff." [LEAVE IT TO BEAVER] ---- "Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit." [T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1] ---- "What's G. Gordon Liddy doing in the living room, putting the moves on Mom?" [BEANS BAXTER] ---- "Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?" "It does not work that way. RUN!" [Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in JONNY QUEST] ---- "Can the county spare me couple hundred body bags -- the kinds with the twist lock tabs? You know... the hefty, Hefty, HEFTY kind. Heh, heh." [THE DOGS OF DANGER] ---- "You shouldn't make my toaster angry." [Household security explained in JONNY QUEST] ---- "Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully." [Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse] ---- "And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie. If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the basement: 1) Don't give him a chance to hit you on the head with an axe! 2) Flee the premises... even if you're in your underwear. 3) Warn the neighbors and call the police. But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!" [Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th] ---- "This Dec. 7th, the summit which will ban all medium-range nuclear missiles has already run into its first snag: The National Rifle Association has officially protested the treaty, and says its members will continue to own and carry nuclear missiles -- but only for hunting and self-protection, of course." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News ---- "If you think you have enemies, then, dear simpleton, you will have enemies." [I dunno] ---- "Watch out, world! Here comes Ford!" Why, do the brakes suck? -- Lisa Hunt ---- "Victory or defeat." -- Motto of the 82th Light Horse Marines (the "Floating Parrots") [A sample of the wonderfully odd humor of Col. G.L. Sicherman] ---- "I'll tell you what I want, I want someone who is so beautiful that when you see her you say, 'Wow, that Humperdinck must be some kind of fella to have a wife like that.'" -- William Goldman / S. Morgenstern, _The_Princess_Bride_ ---- "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." [The Princess Bride] ---- "Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion." -- Harlan Ellison ---- "I felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if 500 billion dollars cried out in terror, and suddenly vanished." -- Obi Ben Bosky, 10/19/87 [Harold Feld, the BEM from Alderann] ---- "It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!" [Ralph Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE] ---- "I've got a monkey's body, so I'll provide the comedy relief!" [Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!] ---- "It's Jenny's brother, Butch! Boy, are we semi-glad to see you." [Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!] ---- "And there! Between STAR TREK and ASTROBOY... It's Zot's world!" [Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!] ---- "We can't escape the long arm of education!" "Where can we hide?" "Better ask a farmer!" [Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!] ---- "I beseech John Byrne that when The Star Brand obliterates Pittsburgh, that he spare the Captain's Table in the Pittsburgh airport, which serves a steak on toasted garlic bread with Bearnaise sauce that is second to none..." -- Dave Sim ---- "What we need is a symbol." "Y'mean like the `Man From Glad'?" [Chester the Protester from SWAMP THING] ---- "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." -- George Carlin ---- "Definition of mixed emotions: Finding out your ex-wife accepted a Kirby Award on your behalf in San Diego." -- Dave Sim ---- "He's a bit too theatrical for my taste." "Mr. Rogers is too theatrical for your taste, darling..." [Married and Superheroes from JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL] ---- "What are you so damn cheerful about? The stock market crashed!" "I'm a software engineer. I TRAFFIC in human misery." [Me, believe it or not] ---- "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." [Stole this from someone on the net] ---- Vaya con Dios, [A common Spanish phrase. I think.] ---- "Judge Robert Bork, in an attempt to win sympathy from the American people after his unsuccessful attempts to be confirmed to the Supreme Court, walked into his back yard and fell down a 30-foot abandoned well. So far, no efforts have been made to get him out." -- Dennis Miller ---- "I am immune to all such things, my friend. As a youth, a certain amount of head-bangin' and metal-bashin' left my synapses so callous, no mind-alterin' substances are in charge." -- Blank Reg ---- "Daddy, Daddy, make Santa Claus go away!" "I can't, son; he's grown too powerful." "HO HO HO!" [Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre] ---- "...so the American government went to IBM to come up with a data encryption standard and they came up with..." "EBCDIC!" [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- "Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- "You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS "You can't drink negative beer... Well, I guess you could throw up." [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS "How do you find an isomorphism? You just F it. See? Graph theory is a lot of fun." [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS "I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't remember the proof." [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- GREAT MOMENTS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATION "You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?" [From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes] ---- "Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier. I mean, as a psychiatrist isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'?" "Oh, get real, Cliff." [Frazier and Cliff discuss ethics on CHEERS] ---- "...and Keller is schedule to be executed on Friday... I guess he won't be around, then, for the Patriots-Buffalo game this Sunday!" [A newscaster on CHEERS] ---- "*I*... am undergoing `male bonding' with your father." "DADDY!" "...Apparently, it involves repeated vomiting!" [Opus meets his in-laws in BLOOM COUNTY] ---- CREATING A COMIC STRIP: Step 1, Dream Up Theme "... a gruff but endearing two-headed nuclear mutant who's always squabbling with itself! "Naw... it'd look rotten on a Burger King glass." [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "I say, son... you've bopped the Queen Mum on the noodle." "I was aiming for Aunt Fergie's hips. Can't see how I bloody well missed 'em." [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "No, we shall not be telling the Royal Navy to `take back' Massachusetts today, son." "Mum's right. Yer such a bloody wimp, Dad." [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "Take me away, imperialistic puppets of the great Pay-TV Satanistic Corporate BoogerHeads!" [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "Let's blast the Holy Bejeezus out of the savage desert planet LIBYA!... "Instant gratification: the stuff of leadership." [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "Nurse, fetch the patient a `Bud'..." [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "I left the tri-corder on `The Wild, Chunky, Spunky Planet of Mary Lou Retton Clones.'" "Spock, you are SUCH a putz." [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "Shut up, Wilber, and load the Photon Torpedoes." [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "Ahead Warp 37 to the wild, loud PLANET OF THE LUSTY WOMEN COMMODITIES BROKERS!" [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "Yes, we're the nation's top corporate executives: the valiant frontline in the battle for a purer America!" [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration." -- Dijkstra ---- "I don't want no Commies in my car... no Christians either." [REPO MAN] ---- "In terms of air-time and ad rates, View Age is bigger than Islam, Judaism, IBM, Scientology, and all but two Christian denominations. Projections indicate that they will pass the Catholics and the 700 Club by this time next year." [The View-age Church on MAX HEADROOM] ---- "Norm!" "Shh! Not now, you idiot!" [CHEERS] ---- "Oh, God, he's been in the Dobey Gillis file again." [MAX HEADROOM] ---- "Captain Justice knows no fear!" "Captain Justice knows no women!" [A decent line from ONCE A HERO] ---- "Oboy! It's the colorized version of CITIZEN KANE... oh, my mistake. It's just THE FLINTSTONES." [From SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE] ---- "DOM!... If it's not loud, it doesn't work!" [MAX HEADROOM] ---- "No sweat! The Sheik is on the set. I didn't major in political science at The University of Illinois for nothing." [SONIC DISRUPTORS] ---- "Now... about my allowance..." [Another bleedin' mutant from HULK] ---- "Splendid chaps. Kill-crazy as all get out." ---- "Bob also asks if Bill Ward ever did any 3-D comics. Of course, ALL Bill Ward's comics are 3-D comics." -- Fandom Confidential ---- "With sales at an all-time high, Marvel will expand their line next month with a new title, "Marvel Two-On-One", which will pair two superpowered heroes against one not-so-supervillain. Issue #1 pits Thor and The Hulk against Paste-Pot Pete." -- Fandom Confidential ---- "I must rise and behold the tiny skull which could contain a brain so *worthless* that it commands its keeper to disturb the great JOHN BYRNE as he scales new heights of comic majesty! EGAD! It's worse than I thought! It's JIM ENGEL and CHUCK FIALA!" [The John Byrne interview from FANDOM CONFIDENTIAL #1] ---- "Hey! I've got a TERRIFIC idea! Let's go visit JOHN BYRNE!" "Hey, yeah! Everyone loves fanzines with JOHN BYRNE in them!" "This'll be GREAT! Maybe he'll say something about HOMOS!" [Chuck and Jim anticipate the John Byrne interview] ---- "[New York] is the place where if you have talent, and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then some day, maybe -- just maybe -- you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train." -- Dave Barry ---- "What was the name of the dog on the `Brady Bunch'?" "...Florence Henderson?" [Unknown] ---- "Wow! Death by Stereo!" [One of the Vampire-hunters from THE LOST BOYS] ---- "Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it." -- Captain Combat ---- Delta: We never make the same mistake three times. [DAVID LETTERMAN!] ---- Delta: A real man lands where he wants to. [DAVID LETTERMAN!] ---- Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. [DAVID LETTERMAN!] ---- Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides. [DAVID LETTERMAN!] ---- Delta: We're Amtrak with wings. [DAVID LETTERMAN!] ---- "DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU ARE COMING WITH ME." [ROBOCOP] ---- "I *LIKE* IT!!" [Deliquent w/cannon in ROBOCOP] ---- "...And I want a new car... And I want the city to pay for it all!" "What kind of a car, Miller?" "Something with reclining leather seats that goes really fast and gets really shitty gas mileage." [Frustrated city official from ROBOCOP] ---- "Murphy, I'm a mess!" "That's OK. They'll fix you. They fix everything." [Robocop] ---- "Boy, this would make a great TV series..." [A vagrant TV executive, from CROSSFIRE] ---- "A scarred psyche is like a used Pinto... you can't do anything with it." -- David Addison ---- "Is there anyone on this ship who even... remotely... resembles Satan, Mr. Spock?" [Captain Kirk picks on Mr. Spock again] ---- "We call it SHADOWNET! Pretty cool, eh?" [A delinquent hacker talks to the Shadow] ---- "But that's the way of *all* flesh, ennit?" [John Constantine, boy psychic investigator] ---- "I see Liberace in a white ermine coat." "That's right, Riley Thorp! And I've got five more at home just like it." [Liberace returns from the dead in a bar. From BADGER] ---- "I know this creature. He is the EMBODIMENT of EVIL -- decades ago, his machinations often brought the world to the *BRINK* of chaos!" "Hey -- people change!" [The Shadow and associates discuss Shiwan Khan. From THE SHADOW] ---- "Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will." -- John Kenneth Galbraith ---- "Hello again, Peabody here..." [The opening lines to almost every episode of PEABODY & SHERMAN] ---- "Discussing whether Black and White comics will survive is like asking whether sex will survive AIDS." -- Will Eisner ---- "Color is like an orchestra playing behind a singer too loud." -- Will Eisner ----