Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List  [Corrected 1992 List, Part 8 of 11]
Message-ID: <1993May10.035535.22080@tc.fluke.COM>
Keywords: Acres O' Quotes
Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control
References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.035449.22020@tc.fluke.COM>
Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:55:35 GMT
Lines: 1851
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
			       "YOUNG GUNS (Vestron).  Big-budget misfire
				stars Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou
				Diamond Phillips, Charlie Sheen and two
				others as Hollywood drugstore outlaws.	If
				you made one of them a construction worker
				and another an Indian, they'd be The Village
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
			       "FUNNY FARM (Warners).  A lot of good things
				have gotten screwed up during the 80s.
				Chevy Chase isn't one of them -- he stopped
				being funny in 1977!"
			   "Peace on Earth.  Wish you were here."
[Dan'l Danehy-Oakes' Christmas Card greetings...]
			   "A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker!"
			   "I'm too old for Santa Claus, and I don't believe
			    in Batman."
			   "Anyone with an active mind lives on tentatives
			    rather than tenets."
					   -- Robert Frost
			   "Those whose hope is weak settle down for comfort
			    or for violence; those whose hope is strong see
			    and cherish all signs of new life and are ready at
			    every moment to help the birth of that which is
			    ready to be born."
					   -- Erich Fromm
			   "To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world that is
			    doing its best, night and day, to make you
			    everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
			    battle which any human being can fight, and never
			    stop fighting."
					   -- e. e. cummings
			   "On the day of victory no one is tired."
					   -- Arab proverb
			   "Tradition does not mean that the living are dead;
			    it means the dead are living."
					   -- Harold Macmillan
			   "They that love beyond the world cannot be
			    separated by it.  Death is but crossing the world,
			    as friends do the seas; they live in one another
					   -- William Penn
			   "I can't help feeling wary when I hear anything
			    said about the masses. First you take their faces
			    from 'em by calling 'em the masses and then you
			    accuse 'em of not having any faces."
					   -- J. B. Priestley
			   "In nature there are neither rewards nor
			    punishments -- there are consequences."
					   -- Robert Green Ingalls
			   "Man is not the creature of circumstances.
			    Circumstances are the creatures of men."
					   -- Benjamin Disraeli
			   "The Boom Tube has emerged
			    on Earth!"
						     "How can you be so sure?"
			   "Just look at the tacky
[Those trite androids from MR. MIRACLE]
			   "Mr. Nguyen, I'm dead, not stupid."
[A wise zombie from BILLY NGUYEN]
			   "Mention Jerry Garcia and I'll puke on your shoes."
[A ha-ha from BILLY NGUYEN]
			   "I think that is what is called a `self-fulfilling
			    prophecy.'	I think it is a brave thing, and... I
			    think it is wonderful."
[Yeah, that's the effect DOC SAVAGE has on people...]
			   "So we're not alone.	 Now I have to die -- *now*!
			    Just when human history promises to become
[CONCRETE's Mom grumbling about dying, after finding out her son's brain is
 in an alien's body]
			   "A man can do something for peace without having to
			    jump into politics.	 Each man has inside him a
			    basic decency and goodness.	 If he listens to it
			    and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what
			    it is the world needs most."
					   -- Pablo Casals
			   "It is at night that faith in light is admirable."
					   -- Edmond Rostand
			   "For me the cinema is not a slice of life, but a
			    piece of cake."
					   -- Alfred Hitchcock
			   "Bill Cosby, huh?"
						     "If you play your cards
[David Addison, baby, from MOONLIGHTING]
			   "What're you trying to do -- screw up our chances
			    for syndication?"
[David, from MOONLIGHTING]
			    [except one or two...]"
[Surrreee... the MOONLIGHTING cast makes some promises for the new season]
			   "Chi-ka-go!	Bang Bang!"
[Czech border guards (including Joe Flaharty) with guns pointed at them,
 from STRIPES]
			   "We're not going to Moscow -- it's Czechoslovakia!
			    It's like going into Wisconsin!"
[Bill Murray paints a rosy scenario in STRIPES]
			   "Nah, we're not
			    homosexual, but we are
			    willing to learn."
						     "Yeah, would they send us
						      someplace special?"
[Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in an Army recruiting station in STRIPES]
			   "Oh, you look like a sensitive, intelligent guy.
			    Don't make me shoot you."
[The kind of cute M.P. that appears only in movies, from STRIPES]
			   "We're Americans -- with a capital 'A'!  And do you
			    know what that means?  Do you?  It means that our
			    forefathers were kicked out of every decent
			    country in the world."
[Rousing speech by Bill Murray in STRIPES]
			   "You know, you're very pretty... for a cop!"
[Bill Murray's line to P.J. Soles in STRIPES]
			   "Hey! You didn't read me
			    my rights!"
						     "This is Mexico, pal. The
						      only Miranda they've
						      heard of around here
						      wears bananas on her
[I dunno... I got it from Jerry Boyajian]
			   "There's no such thing as evil.  Just excuses that
			    heaven won't accept."
[Peter David]
			   "Famous age-old rock group Pink Floyd visited the
			    Soviet Union this week where their historic album
			    [Dark Side of the Moon] has been on the Soviet top
			    ten list for the last decade.  Spokesmen for the
			    Soviet government welcoming the group to Moscow
			    said, `Wow... the Floyd, man.'"
					   -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "New York's record lottery prize of $45 million was
			    claimed today by Raymond Simmons, an unemployed
			    crack addict from Brooklyn. He said he planned no
			    changes in his life-style."
					   -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like
			    the old saying goes, `You gotta be in it to win
			    it... but first, you gotta have a dead-end job so
			    pathetic you're willing to kill five hours
			    standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.'"
					   -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
			       "SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS (MGM/UA) 1957.
				Over-achieving gluttony, excessive sex, and
				inebriation among powerful Manhattan
				entertainment columnists.  Why don't I ever
				get invited to these parties?"
			Geraldo Rivera on the cover of the NATIONAL
			ENQUIRER, regarding his being hit on the air:
			   "I battled hate-mongers -- and won!"
			   "Following the Geraldo Rivera `watch out for flying
			    chairs' incident there was a deep belch of media
			    concern about Trash Television.  Newsweek, the
			    Washington Post, and a few other publications ran
			    anguished analyses. Television experts told us,
			    grimly, what this trend says about our country. (I
			    already knew what it said about our country --
			    `We're stupid' -- but it was fun to hear the
			    experts say that in 25 words or more.)"
					   -- Alex Heard
			   "I've never thought my speeches were too long; I've
			    enjoyed them."
					   -- Hubert Humphrey
			   "When the President does it, that means it's not
					   -- Richard Nixon
			   "There cannot be a crisis next week.	 My schedule
			    is already full."
					   -- Henry Kissinger
			   "It is fun being in the same decade with you."
					   -- FDR to Winston Churchill, 1942
			   "God gave us our memories so that we might have
			    roses in December."
					   -- Sir James Barrie
			   "The American people were asked to choose between a
			    candidate whose theme was `We're all right, Jack,'
			    and a candidate who said, `Eat your broccoli.'"
					   -- William Schneider
			   "Young conservatives must feel the withdrawal
			    symptoms most.  It's not just the loss of a father
			    figure, either.  It's the utter banality of what
			    is to come.	 After eight years of revolutionary
			    activity, schmoozing with George Bush is going to
			    be difficult.  Trained to kill, they're suddenly
			    having to take crash courses in outreach.  You can
			    see them wandering aimlessly around Washington
			    these days, pained, simpering grins on their
			    faces, engaging in mild post-Reagan banter.
			    `How're you doing today, Clinton?' `Oh, kinder and
			    gentler, Dean, thank you.'"
					   -- Andrew Sullivan
			   "In our last episode,
			    Hoodwinkle was searching
			    for a cure to a disease
			    plaguing the world."
						     "At last, a cure for loud
						      Hawaiian shirts!"
			   "Well, Zoiks! Let's take off his mask and see who
			    he is. [...] Hey, there's nothing under here but a
			    neck and some tendons."
			   "Look, it's Mister *E*!"
						     "I pity the fool who
						      picks on my group of
			   "Gosh, I feel my IQ dropping by the minute."
			   "Now I see why they call television a medium.
			    Nothing on it is rare or well-done."
			   "No job too big; no fee too big!"
					-- Bill Murray, GHOSTBUSTERS
			   "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make
			    a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven."
					-- John Milton
			   "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more
			    complex, and more violent.	It takes a touch of
			    genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the
			    opposite direction."
					-- E. F. Schumacher
			   "Genuine poetry can communicate before it is
					-- T.S. Elliot
			Re: an article titled 'Inside The Dukakis Campaign':
			    "Kinda like looking up a dead horse's ass."
					-- William Meyer (succinctly put, Dad)
			   "I'd like to ram a hunk of fried goat cheese
			    straight up his ass."
[A wonderful line from MYSTIC PIZZA]
			   "In a calm sea every man is a pilot."
					   -- John Ray
			 BEST non sequitur FOR 1988:
			   "Let's cut through the demagoguery.	America is #1."
					   -- George Bush
			   "Everybody knows they're worth something on this
			    world.  But we're never quite sure on my planet.
			    We're always trying to prove it to someone."
[Another solemn, gently ironic line from ZOT!]
			   "There's too many people here!  Maybe we should
			    kill some!"
[Yow!  FLAMING CARROT and Screwball on a binge!]
			   "You took on the immortal DR. FOOM with a
[A fine-lookin' babe expresses amazement at one of FLAMING CARROT's stories]
			   "Better watch out, Carrot,
			    or you're going to wind
			    up as a Saturday morning
			    cartoon character, just
			    like Mr. T!"
						     "Alright!	That did it!"
[Tension you could cut through with a wiffleball in FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
			   "So, what's on, Doyle?"
						     "Ah, videos, unless you
						      wanna see THE SCARLET
			   "Might as well.  Holmes
			    does that cool speech on
			    Canada at the end."
[Jaime, Jaime, Jaime... from LOVE & ROCKETS]
			   "If we cannot now end our differences, at least we
			    can help make the world safe for diversity."
					-- John F. Kennedy
			   "Unhappiness is the hunger to get; happiness is the
			    hunger to give."
					-- William George Jordan
			   "The fate of the country... does not depend on what
			    kind of paper you drop into the ballot box once a
			    year, but on what kind of man you drop from your
			    chamber into the street every morning."
					-- Henry David Thoreau
			   "I have occasional memory
						     "Oh, I get it.  You're a
[A rather odd comparison: THE HULK and politicians.  Script by Peter David.]
			   "You've got to learn more about Motown, Miles.
			    Those raisins didn't invent that song, you know."
[From the TV series MURPHY BROWN]
			   "I am the Supreme Being, you know.  I'm not
			    entirely dim."
[Sir Ralph Richardson as God (he's probably at the right hand of Him,
 anyway) in TIME BANDITS]
			   "I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...
			    ...and I'm all out of bubble gum."
			   "Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Lloyd
			    Bentson today said that he would now return to his
			    old job as the Grandfather Clock on the Captain
			    Kangaroo show."
					-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "Isn't it ironic that Herman Wouk's WAR AND
			    REMEMBRANCE cost $110,000,000 to produce when
			    World War II itself cost only $80,000,000."
					-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "Y'know, the movie sequel ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS
			    was released this week, one of the Biblical signs
			    that Armageddon is near."
					-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "No love without freedom.  No freedom without love.
			    Simple truths.  Worth dying for."
[A broken (or is he?) #6 speaks to the new #6 in THE PRISONER comic]
			   "Luck gets a bureaucracy."
			   "Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't
			    cross the thin line between cute and demonic."
					-- Ian Shoales
			   "I don't like people who speak French in public
			    places.  This includes the French."
					-- Ian Shoales
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
			       "E.T. (MCA).  I met him at the Video Software
				Dealers Association Convention in Las Vegas.
				Helluva sweet guy."
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
			       "SCAVENGERS (Academy).  As far as films
				featuring stuntment driving motorcycles out
				of airplanes goes, this is one of the best."
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
			       "BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (MGM/UA).  Michael
				J. Fox is a Manhattan yuppie who worries
				about his identity while wearing $400 suits
				and driving his new BMW.  This is about as
				gritty as Fox ever gets."
			   "Several great men have occupied the vice
			    presidential office -- Thomas Jefferson and
			    Theodore Roosevelt certainly.  But there has only
			    been one great vice president.  Thomas Riley
			    Marshall served two happy terms under Woodrow
			    Wilson, content to be, as he once wrote in a
			    letter to his boss, `your only vice.'  In contrast
			    to the recent veeps with elaborate Secret Service
			    retinues to convince people of their importance,
			    Marshall was happy to play the homespun game.  `In
			    the city of Denver, while I was vice president,'
			    he recalled, `a big, husky policeman kept
			    following me around, until I asked him what he was
			    doing.  He said he was guarding my person.	I
			    said: "Your labor is in vain.  Nobody was ever
			    crazy enough to shoot at a vice president.	If you
			    go away and find somebody to shoot at me, I'll go
			    down in history as being the first vice president
			    who ever attracted enough attention even to have a
			    crank shoot at him."'"
					-- Nicholas Von Hoffman
			 THE 1988 CAMPAIGN "Huh?" AWARD:
			   "George Bush has the experience, and with me the
			    future -- a future committed to our family, a
			    future committed to the freedom."
					-- Sen. Dan Quayle
			   "Quayle hasn't had a press conference in nearly two
			    weeks (not since the one in which, memorably, he
			    had called the Holocaust `an obscene period in
			    American history', and then, trying to explain
			    that he meant this century's history, blurted out
			    `I didn't live in this century.')..."
					-- Hendrik Hertzberg
			   "The question raised by the prospect of President
			    Quayle is the same as the question raised by the
			    prospect of President Bush and for that matter by
			    the reality of President Reagan: How long can a
			    great nation afford to have silly leaders?"
					-- Hendrik Hertzberg
			   "For the rest of your life you must run,
			    Your day in the sun is done,
			    You're a LIBERAL... Run, liberal, run!
			   "Big government was your creed;
			    But now you're the last of a dying breed.
			    So, run liberal run,
			    Run run run run run run,
			    Run run run RUN,
			    Run run run run;
			    Run run..."
					-- Saturday Night Live
			   "You know how they test condoms now?	 They pull 'em
			    down over Howie Mandel's head."
					-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "Those whales trapped beneath the ice in Alaska
			    were finally freed this week when actress Shelly
			    Winters dove into the icy waters, swam to the pair
			    and led them to safety."
					-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "In view of all the deadly computer viruses that
			    have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would
			    like to remind you: when you link up to another
			    computer, you're linking up to every computer that
			    that computer has ever linked up to."
					-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			   "When you put all this into The Big Picture, you
			    point the blame at New Hampshire.  They pick both
			    candidates; every election, they get first choice.
			    I know, we trust them because they seem solid: The
			    Granite State. Well, it's more like The Small
			    Mammals By The Side Of The Road State.  There they
			    are, passing themselves off as some kind of Norman
			    Rockwell/American archetypes; `Live Free or Die',
			    that's their motto -- it's on all their license
			    plates.  But when you think that these license
			    plates are made by people in prison... well, it
			    makes you wonder what it really means. [...]
			   "Well, maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it's perfectly safe
			    to hand over the destiny of our nation to a pack
			    of maple syrup-swilling squirrel worshipers..."
					-- A. Whitney Brown
			   "Ignorance is not bliss -- it's oblivion."
					-- Phillip Wylie
			   "He who has so little knowledge of human nature as
			    to seek happiness by changing anything but his own
			    disposition will waste his life in fruitless
					-- Samuel Johnson
			   "I started at the top and worked my way down."
					-- Orson Welles
			   "I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.
			    It's useless to fight the forms, you've got to
			    kill the people producing them."
					-- Vladimir Kabaidze, General
					   Director of the Ivanovo Machine
					   Building Works
			   "Three men against twenty?  Impossible.  Now, if
			    only we had a wheelbarrow..."
			   "Don't rush a miracle man.  You rush a miracle man,
			    you get rotten miracles."
			   "Batman didn't write any
						     "Yeah, but Shakespeare
						      didn't beat up any
[Overheard at a sci-fi convention by Jerry Boyajian]
			   "I know human names well enough.  After all, you
			    are who you eat."
[Ed the Shark (one of my favorite characters) from Diane Duane's DEEP
 WIZARDRY (one of my favorite books)]
			   "You warm-bloods are all such great believers.  But
			    there's no greater pragmatist than a shark."
[Damn straight.	 From DEEP WIZARDRY.]
			   "Do you expect me to
						     "No, Mister Bond; I
						      expect you to die."
[That famous line from GOLDFINGER]
			   "You must accept the truth from whatever source it
					-- Maimonides
			   "Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the
			    university stifles writers.	 My opinion is that
			    they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a
			    bestseller that could have been prevented by a
			    good teacher."
					-- Flannery O'Connor
			   "The longest distance is between head and heart."
					-- Thomas Merton
			   "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend
			    to be witty."
					-- Sacha Guitry
			   "We grow tyrannical fighting tyranny."
					-- E.B. White
			   "Quiet, Ringo, Elvis is talking."
[From a sketch on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
			   "The first time I saw the infamous `Morton Downey
			    Junior' show I was innocently flipping through the
			    channels and came across this man looming over a
			    woman in a chair, point a cigarette in her face,
			    and screaming, `You're a WHORE!  You're a
			    PROSTITUTE!'  Wondering what this poor woman had
			    done to unleash such metaphorical fury, I kept
			    watching and it turned out she really was a
			    prostitute.	 That was the whole story.  They'd
			    found a prostitute to put on TV in order to
			    denounce her as a prostitute.  Something to tell
			    the grandchildren."
			   "You kids shouldn't see
			    this, though -- your
			    parents would think it's
			    too adult for you.	So
			    I'll leave this copy here
			    with you when I split to
			    go start a war or
			    something, okay?"
						     "Yer a pal, Mr. Post."
[Ron Post, mass murder and guitar player, talks about censorship, in one of
 Matt Howarth's many independently-financed comix]
			   "Filthy bag of Lovecraftian poison -- nobody fucks
			    with Monsieur Boche!"
[Monsieur Boche, a Hunter S. Thompson clone with brains, balls and the
 ability to traverse dimensions, in a Matt Howarth comic]
			   "The discovery of God in a hole in the polar ice
			    cap by a pair of punk rockers does not disturb
			    your governments' conscience in the least."
[Another wonderful Howarth line]
			   "I submit for your approval: Monsieur Boche -- A
			    man with a reputation."
[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
			   WRAB Programming:
			      "THE CHURCH OF GODZILLA (1/2 hr -- religion)
			       Instruction in the eager belief of getting
			       one's way all the time.	John Madden as
			       Godzilla.  (Emph: narrow-mindedness)."
[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
			   WRAB Programming:
			      "KEY GRIP (1 hr -- Drama) Part three of Patrick
			       McGoohan's `John Drake' Trilogy.	 Series
			       security prohibits any information release
			       prior to broadcast.  (Emph: the struggle for
[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
			   "Nobody likes a smart ass
						     "Pity there's never
						      enough blood in a
[Bon mots from Dracula, in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
			   "`If you want to touch something *basic* in your
			    audience,' says the full-page ad in the 1988
			    AND SPOKESPERSONS (also known as the `Talk Show
			    Guest Directory'), `...move them to *action*:
			    phone, write, praise, damn, cheer, etc..... Then
			    you need to present -- REAL LIVE COMMUNISTS ON
			    YOUR SHOW!'"
			   "`Never turn down a chance to have sex or go on
			    television,' Gore Vidal is supposed to have said.
			    At the rate things are going, people will soon be
			    advertising to do both at the same time."
			   "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you
			    walked in?	I think that's how dogs spend their
					   -- Sue Murphy
			   "I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played
			    for SEVEN hours. Great song."
					   -- Fred Reuss
			   "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to
			    my suede jacket. `You know a cow was murdered for
			    that jacket?' she sneered.	I replied in a
			    psychotic tone, `I didn't know there were any
			    witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"
					   -- Jake Johansen
			   "I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their
			    minds.  I hold them above globes.  They freak out
			    and yell `Whooa, I'm way too high.'"
					   -- Bruce Baum
			   "How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?!  What's the
			    deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back
			    while you're waiting for a tow truck."
					   -- Steve Kravitz
			   "This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one.  My
			    mom says I don't have to sit at the card table."
					   -- Jim Samuels
			   "Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph
			    are also timed for 70 mph."
					   -- Jim Samuels
			   "In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the
			    highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be
			    Alive Meals.'"
					   -- Al Clethen
			   "If I'm typecast as a genius, who cares?"
					   -- Jeremy Brett, on playing
					      Sherlock Holmes
			   "I'd get out of here now
			    if I were you.  It's not
			    safe here."
						     "Trust me -- it's not
						      safe out there either."
			   "Oh hell, I forgot that."
[From the TV series WAR OF THE WORLDS]
			   "Are you SURE that
			    Moriarty isn't planning
			    to kill me?"
						     "Of course not... he
						      *knows* you're an
			   "Thank God!"
["Holmes" and Watson discuss Yours Truly in WITHOUT A CLUE]
			   "I do not take drugs.  I am drugs."
					   -- Salvador Dali
			   "What is the name of the
			    hero Billy Batson
			    transforms into when he
			    says his magic word,
						     "Gomer Pyle."
			   "Imitation is the sincerest form of Television."
					   -- Mighty Mouse
			   "I don't know that atheists should be considered as
			    citizens, nor should they be considered patriots.
			    This is one nation under God."
					   -- George Bush, 1988
			   "Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."
					-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
			   "Show me a hero and I will write you a travesty."
					-- John Byrne [well, he *should* have]
			   "Show me a hero and I'll eat it."
					-- Peter David
			   "Dear Emily --- BINGO!!"
			   "Guess what I'm in for."
			   "Wait!  I'll give you a
			   "Justice and solidarity feel good.  In the end."
[A comment on the price of liberty.  From AARGH!]
			   "I happen to be a baseball fan; I root against both
					   -- Studs Terkel
			   "If people behaved in the way nations do they would
			    all be put in straitjackets."
					-- Tennessee Williams
			   "The young man who has not wept is a savage, and
			    the old man who will not laugh is a fool."
					-- George Santayana
			   "Don't fight forces; use them."
					   -- R. Buckminster Fuller
			   "Could ye use a little
			    water in your whiskey?"
						     "When ay drink whiskey,
						      ay drink whiskey, an'
						      when ay drink water, ay
						      drink water."
[Maureen O'Sullivan and Barry Fitzgerald in THE QUIET MAN, begorra.]
			    [A photo is displayed of Senator Dan Quayle
			     holding a pumpkin to the left of his head.]
			    "Here's an Update Quiz: what's the difference
			     between these two spherical objects?  The
			     answer is: eventually, the one on the left will
			     have a light in it."
					-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
			       "PROMISED LAND (Vestron).  Kiefer Sutherland,
				Meg Ryan, and Tracy Pollan. And they all
				look alike.  And they're all made of
			    MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
				cartoon adventures of a hyper-active cat and
				an anally retentive mouse.  For some reason,
				Simon and Garfunkle originally recorded
				under this name!"
	"Oh, what's the sound of the world out there?..."
			    "What, Mr. Todd, what, Mr. Todd, What is that
	"Those crunching noises Pervading the air!"
			    "Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd, yes, all around!"
	"It's man devouring man, my dear,"
		  "...and who are we to deny it IN HERE?!"
					-- Stephen Sondheim, SWEENY TODD
	"The history of the world, my love..."
			    "Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relatives
	"Is those below serving those up above!"
			    "Everybody shaves so there should plenty of
	"How gratifying for once to know,"
		    "That those above will serve those DOWN BELOW!"
					-- Stephen Sondheim, SWEENY TODD
	"The history of the world, my sweet..."
			    "Oh, Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd, what does it tell?"
	" who gets eaten and who gets to eat!"
			    "And, Mr. Todd, too, Mr. Todd, who gets to sell!"
	"But fortunately it's all so clear,"
					-- Stephen Sondheim, SWEENY TODD
	"It's not enough knowing good from rotten..."
							"You're telling me."
	"When something new pops up every day."
							"You're telling me!"
	"It's only new, though, for now..."
	"But yesterday's forgotten..."
					 "...and tomorrow is already passe!"
	"There's no surprise."
		    "That is the state of the art, my friend!  
		     That is the state of the art!"
					-- Stephen Sondheim, 
			   "Ladies and gentlemen, the question you have to ask
			    yourselves on November 8th is whose judgement do
			    you trust?	Do you trust the judgement of a man
			    who traded arms to the Ayatollah and used that
			    money to fund an illegal war in Central America,
			    or do you trust a son of Greek immigrants, who can
			    think and talk in complete sentences?"
[From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
			   "You know, I'm beginning to think that the Right To
			    Life movement in this country believes that life
			    officially begins when you agree with *them*."
					   -- Dennis Miller
			   "The NBC Today Show and Olympic host Bryan Gumbel's
			    ego applied for statehood today.  If granted, it
			    would become our 51st state, and 9th largest."
					   -- Dennis Miller
			   "And the fifth-highest grossing film in America
			    this week is YOUNG GUNS, the new film where
			    everybody in it is Martin Sheen's son, but nobody
			    has the same last name."
					   -- Dennis Miller
			   "Gov. Dukakis, rebuttal?"
						     "I can't believe I'm
						      losing to this guy."
[From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
			   NATIONAL ENQUIRER headline:
			   "Reagan sees UFO and orders his pilot: Follow it!"
			   "None of this is bad for America, is it?"
			   "Sorry, I don't perform except at dinner."
					   -- Stephen Sondheim, MERRILY WE
					      ROLL ALONG
			   "I like trees because they seem more resigned to
			    the way they have to live than other things do."
					   -- Willa Cather
			   "All human wisdom is summed up in two words -- wait
			    and hope."
					   -- Alexandre Dumas the Elder
			   "No human being can really understand another, and
			    no one can arrange another's happiness."
					   -- Graham Greene
						     "You know. Thats where a
						      big black thing knocks
						      down a lot of little
						      white things."
			   "That sounds like the
			    A-Team to me."
[Keith "Badger" Vallenti found this on a channel flip, from Don Adam's CHECK
			   "George Bush, you have
			    just been elected
			    president of the United
			    States. What are you
			    going to do now?"
						     "I'm going to go to
[A parody of the Disneyland ads, off of]
			   "A brave man dies only once, while a coward dies
			    only once also.  It's just that the brave man gets
			    it over with more quickly."
					   -- C. E. Whitfield
			   "I recall my exact words: `There's a pile of
			    dinosaur eggs over there, youngster,' I said,
			    smiling paternally the while.  `Get sucking.'"
[Alan Moore, V FOR VENDETTA]
			   "That's what this country needs -- just a little
			    more light cast in the right places."
			   "Just what the country needs -- more insurgent
			   "I shall rend you LIMB
			    from LIMB!"
						     "Hey -- could someone
						      give me a hand here? I'm
						      about to be rended..."
[The usual JLI nonsense]
			   "You're zooming up like a comet,
			    Your ears are starting to ring;
			    Your neighbor's starting to vomit,
			    There's ice along the wing.
				    As you wait for your palms to dry,
				    You see your whole life flash by,
				    And they tell you it's fun to fly!
			    Your chance to survive is so remote
			    You're far better off to cut your throat,
			    But who has the time to take the boat?
				What do we do?	We fly!
				    -- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
			   "The shiny stuff is tomatoes,
			    The salad lies in a group;
			    The curly stuff is potatoes,
			    The stuff that moves is soup.
				    Anything that is white is sweet,
				    Anything that is brown is meat,
				    Anything that is grey... don't eat.
			    But what do we do?	We fly!"
				    -- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
			   "The seat was throwing my back out,
			    But there I was with a book;
			    When suddenly there's a black-out
			    And everywhere I look
				    There's a close-up of DORIS DAY!
				    Ninety minutes of DORIS DAY!
				    There was nothing to do but pray...
			    And what do we do?	We fly!"
				    -- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
			   "What's hard is simple,
			    What's natural, comes hard.
			    Maybe you could show me,
			    How to let go,
				Lower my guard,
				    Learn to
			    Maybe if you whistle...
			    Whistle for me."
				    -- Stephen Sondheim, ANYONE CAN WHISTLE
			   "It's not so hard to be married,
			    When two maneuver as one;
			    It's not so hard to be married,
			    And, Jesus Christ, is it fun."
				    -- Stephen Sondheim, COMPANY
			   "Best trust the happy moments... The days that make
			    us happy make us wise."
					   -- John Masefield
			   "The great man is he who does not lose his child's
					   -- Mencius
			   "When our first parents were driven out of
			    Paradise, Adam is believed to have remarked to
			    Eve: `My dear, we live in an age of transition.'"
					   -- Dean William R. Inge
			   Bankers' Hours:  That part of the day when it is
					    too hot to play golf. 
[Fortunes program]
			   "I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
[Groucho Marx?]
			   "They used Raoul Mitgong, but he didn't help
					   --Harlan Ellison
			   "Only the toes knows."
					   -- Mel Profitt
			    Regarding Robin, the Boy Wonder:
			       "I mean the kid lives with a millionaire,
				apparently only goes to school on alternate
				Wednesdays, gets to stay up all night, and
				beats up adults regularly. Who could ask for
					    -- Fred Bals
			   "Now, for use with your child's 'My Little Pony'
			    playset, the 'My Little Pet Food Processing
			    Plant!' -- from Real World Toys, caring about your
			    child's future."
[Saw this on the net, and I'm not sure who originated it]
			   "This is a revolution, damn it!  We're going to
			    have to offend SOMEbody!"
					   -- John Adams, 1776
			   "[He's] dead.  Murdered!  And someone's responsible!"
			   "I have the heart of a little boy.  
			    I keep it in a jar on my desk."
				       --Robert Bloch
			   "Take this cross and garlic -- here's a Mezuza in
			    case he's Jewish -- a page of the Koran if he's
			    Muslim... and if he's a Zen Buddhist, you're on
			    your own."
[Im-ple-ments of destruction for undead (vampires, that is) in BADGER]
			   "He's a bloodsucker, all right, but not the kind
			    we're looking for.	This man is an I.R.S. agent."
[The Badger, Ham and a Van Helsing pig stalk vampires in BADGER]
			"Yes, sir, just Top-Forty Beatle CLASSICS!
			 [What ah woosie.]"
			   "...and Doc Holliday ends
			    up in the front row of a
			    Led Zeppelin concert..."
						     "So THIS is Hell."
			   "Gud, marry me, or I'll kick yer ass."
					   -- Honkeytonk Sue
			   "I hereby sentence you to live in Blythe,
			    California in a house with an airpad cooler, until
			    you are dead, or wish you were."
			   "It was all very
			    impressive, but the State
			    of Arizona built an
			    air-tight case..."
						     "This woman does not own
						      ONE Willie Nelson
						      tape... OR album.	 NOT
			"Bondage... what's
					    "He's from Flagstaff."
[Bruce Babbit poses a question in HONKEYTONK SUE]
			   "In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then
			    to hang a question mark on the things you have
			    long taken for granted."
					   -- Bertrand Russell
			   "The bigger the information media, the less courage
			    and freedom they allow.  Bigness means weakness."
					   -- Eric Sevareid
			   "It has always been true that in the United States
			    the people who ought to read books write them."
					   -- Gore Vidal
			    [Editor's note: Now if Vidal would only take his
					    own advice...]
			   "Sure, you're right, it's easy to find flaws.
			    `Sure,' America says to the critic, `it's easy to
			    tear down, but you can't build up, can you?	 The
			    suffering and labor of the artist mean nothing to
			    you, do they Mr. Ian Shoales?  You don't believe
			    in anything,' America screams, `except the sound
			    of your own voice!'	 Well, calm down, America.
			    Lighten up.	 Unclench those hardworking fists."
					   -- Ian Shoales
			   "I admit it freely -- I'm not a positive thinker.
			    On STAR TREK, the beautiful alien with the green
			    hair and the taut belly would always say to
			    Captain Kirk, `Oh one called Jim, what is this
			    thing you call a kiss?'  If that alien were here
			    today (and in my Perfect World, believe me, she
			    would be), she would gaze at me lovingly and say,
			    `Oh one called Ian, what is this thing you call a
			    sneer?'  That's the kind of guy I am.  Captain
			    Kirk and I both want the same thing: the
			    whole-hearted devotion of a naive alien.  And if
			    certain things stand in our way -- Klingons for
			    Kirk, reality for me -- well, we just have to suck
			    in our guts, set the phasers on Stun, and hope for
			    the best."
					   -- Merle Kessler, IAN SHOALES'
					      PERFECT WORLD
			   "And cruelist of all, I've learned that the bucks
			    in this criticism thing just aren't what they
			    should be.	I figure if I'm not gonna make any
			    jack in my chosen profession, the least I can do
			    is vent my spleen.	My motto is VENT FOR THOSE WHO
					   -- Ian Shoales
			   "As the roadies say before the concert, `Let's
			    carve this turkey.'"
					   -- Ian Shoales
			   "I am an idealist.  I don't know where I'm going,
			    but I'm on my way."
					   -- Carl Sandburg
			   "There is nothing stronger in this world than 
					   -- Han Suyin
			   "I braved the contempt of my friends last week and
			    ventured out to see _Bambi_, the Disney rerelease
			    that is proving to be a hit once again in the box
			    office.  I was looking forward to a gentle,
			    soothing, late afternoon relief from the
			    Washington Summer.	Instead I was traumatized.  As
			    a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early
			    adolescence, it couldn't be more effective.	 For
			    the first half-hour, you're lulled into an
			    agreeable sense of security and comfort.  Birds
			    twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great
			    conversationalists.	 Pop is what Senator Moynihan
			    would describe as an absent father, but Mom's
			    there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm.
			    You make great friends, fool around on the ice,
			    discover the meadow, generally mellow out.	Then,
			    without any particular warning, your mom gets
			    shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start
			    appearing on your head, and your peers start
			    heading off into the clover with the apparent
			    intention of having sex.  Next thing you know, the
			    forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think
			    I'd prefer _Rambo III_."
					   -- Townsend Davis
			   "You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the
			    American family.  Families aren't dying.  They're
			    merging into big conglomerates."
					   -- Erma Bombeck
			   "Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to
			    light the fraternity of strangers."
					   -- Victor Hugo
			   "A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he
			    has a right not only to be right but also to be
					   -- Thomas Szasz
			   "You McPike?"
						     "Most of my life.	In 3rd
						      grade I was Batman, but
						      that seems to have
[One of Frank McPike's best droll comments, from WISEGUY]
			   "Roger Rabbit's wife!  My goodness!	Such...
			    AMPLE... drawing!"
[Jarvis, the butler for the Mighty AVENGERS, comments on a popular movie]
			   "Lord Hermes, is it true
			    you can conjure up
			   "Awesome!  Do y'know what
			    a video entertainment
			    center is?"
[Yes, having an Olympian God around the house is handy.	 WONDER WOMAN]
			   "B-r-r-other!  What good is having a god around if
			    you can't get any FUN out of it?"
[From George Perez's WONDER WOMAN]
			   "The sound of harps... of
			    organs... of cascading
						     "What about Def Lepard?
						      They got Def Lepard?"
[Heaven described to a generation of vidiots.  From THE SHADOW]
			   "It suddenly occurs to me, Hong, that if THESE are
			    American tourists, I would certainly hate to
			    engage their military..."
[OK, when was the last time YOU invaded China?	From THE SHADOW]
			"You do not know?!  Have you never
			 heard the tales of the man from
			 the East -- A frightful creature
			 of the night -- with the POWER to
			 cloud the minds of men... and the
			 FURY to obliterate Evil with a
			 single sweep of his terrible
					"Frankly, Hong... 
						     "Nor I."  
							     "Perhaps if you
							      were more
[Brilliant hyperbole from THE SHADOW]
			   "That's the trouble with `mindless slaves'...
			    they're, well, *mindless*!"
[Dr. Quest points out those little problems with world domination. JONNY QUEST]
			   "Seems like, lately, everybody with four guys and a
			    proton accelerator thinks they can rule the world.
			    No offense."
[A lucid point from Race Bannon in JONNY QUEST]
			   "No more ice cream ever, ever, ever again."
[Hallucinations and chocolate chip -- or is it real?  THE MYSTERY MAN]
			   "[The Republicans'] platform was 30,000 words long,
			    3,000 of which was the word 'God'."
[Mark Russell]
			[Sung to the tune of The Flintstones Theme]
			   "Team-sters, we're the Team-sters,
			    We're just one happy family!
			    Gambino and Celerno...
			    Make that two happy families!
			    'Nolo contendre', that's our Teamsters song!
			    Cops and Robbers -- we play it all day long!
			    Teamsters, love the Teamsters!
			    Support us if you please,
			    Or else we'll break your knees,
			    Have you hugged a Teamster today?"
				    -- Mark Russell
			   "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies
			    and chase them before you, to rob them of their
			    wealth and to see those dear to them bathed in
			    tears, to ride their horses and to clasp to your
			    bosom their wives and daughters."
					   -- Ghengis Kahn, civic leader and
					      Bud man
			   "All progress is based upon a universal innate
			    desire on the part of every living organism to
			    live beyond its income."
					   -- Samuel Butler
			"It is not uncommon in a Republican convention hall
			 for delegates to gather in menacing clumps around
			 the press gallery, shaking their fists and shouting
			 imprecations.	(When this happened in Dallas in
			 1984, some of us fantasized about picking up our
			 friend Ben Wattenberg bodily and tossing him over
			 the side into the angry crowd with a cry of "Get
			 'im!  He's a Democrat!"  Wattenberg would've had
			 only a split second to convince the enraged
			 delegates that while he may look like a Democrat,
			 he actually supports the Contras, the Reagan
			 Doctrine, Star Wars, etc.  But Wattenberg is such a
			 nice guy that we didn't have the heart.)"
					    -- Hendrik Hertzberg
			   "Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very
			    strict.  They didn't want us to grow up to be
			    spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis racquets
			    in the rain, we were punished."
					   -- Nancy Ellis, George Bush's
			   "A duel to the death!"
						     "Dr. Science!"
			   "Okay, until we get tired
			    and grumpy."
[From the DR. SCIENCE TV show]
			   "If we don't change, we don't grow.	If we don't
			    grow, we are not really living.  Growth demands a
			    temporary surrender of security."
					   -- Gail Sheehy
			   "We must believe in luck.  For how else can we
			    explain the success of those we don't like?"
					   -- Jean Cocteau
			   "I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government
			    and report the facts."
					   -- Will Rogers
			   "We have just enough religion to make us hate, but
			    not enough to make us love one another."
					   -- Jonathan Swift
			   "It's odd that you can get so anesthetized to your
			    own pain or your own problem that you don't quite
			    fully share the hell of someone close to you."
					   -- Lady Bird Johnson
			   "Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery."
					   -- Jack Paar
			   "The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who
			    asks for help when he needs it, whether he's got
			    an abscess on his knee or his soul."
					   -- Rona Barrett
			   "[Michael Dukakis is] a card-carrying member of the
			    A.C.L.U., a group [which is] pretty far out in
			    left field [and does not reflect] Texas values."
					   -- George Bush
			   "Strange, when you think of it, that of all the
			    countless folks who have lived before our time on
			    this planet not one is known in history or legend
			    as having died of laughter."
					   -- Sir Max Beerbohm
			   "A certain person may have, as you say, a wonderful
			    presence: I do not know. What I do know is that he
			    has a perfectly delightful absence."
					   -- Idries Shah
			   "When the writer becomes the center of his
			    attention, he becomes a nudnik.  And a nudnik who
			    believes he's profound is even worse than just a
			    plain nudnik."
					   -- Isaac Bashevis Singer
			   "There is the greatest practical benefit in making
			    a few failures early in life."
					   -- Thomas Henry Huxley
			   "MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way."
					   -- Henry Spencer
	       "Today I'm not a doctor, but you can call me one.
			Some folks call it 'science', but I just call it fun.
		Upon my every statement you can have complete reliance;
			I know more than *you* do -- Call me Dr. Science!"
[The last lines to the Dr. Science theme]
			"You will curse the day you did not do
				All that the Phantom asked of you!"
[I think -- I think --	this is from THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (the musical)]
			   "I say we blow the crap
			    out of it and torch the
						     "Don't be bloody DAFT.
						      This is a Terror
						      Elemental -- not a rival
						      biker gang."
[John Constantine and friend in HELLBLAZER]
			   "I must admit, I *like* five-to-one odds."
[the JLA]
			   "HAIR-PULLING?!  You're
			    actually indulging in
			    HAIR-PULLING?!  What kind
			    of a Green Lantern are
			    you, anyway?"
						     "The kind that eats punks
						      like you for
[Guy Gardner in JLI]
			   "Always keep your bowler on in times of stress.
			    And watch out for diabolical masterminds."
[Emma Peel's parting comment to John Steed on THE AVENGERS]
			   "A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or
			    15 years."
					   -- Harry Truman
			   "I'm not a pushover, believe me.  I laugh at
					   -- Billy Wilder
			   "Sherlock Holmes was a drug addict without a single
			    amiable trait."
					   -- George Bernard Shaw
			   "You're not exactly Little Mary Sunshine yourself,
					   -- Moi
			   "Ain't that just like a tin-pot dictator!  Calling
			    in the faceless hordes when things get rough!
			    Faceless horde is my middle name!"
[The Badger, in NEXUS]
			   "Honest Crocus worships at the font of free
			   "So... I can save the solar system.	But not a
			    friend.  This job isn't worth a tinker's damn."
			   "I tremble for my country when I reflect that God
			    is just..."
					   -- Thomas Jefferson
			   "The gorilla had an 800-word "vocabulary."
			    Apparently a new record in the animal intelligence
			    racket.  I wasn't impressed.  I had a nephew into
			    Motley Crue that could speak 850 easy."
			    Unemployed?	 Hungry?  Eat a foreign car.
[Seen on a bumper sticker]
			   "Say, Ralph, what do you
			    think of those
						     "I think they're
						      terrific, Jim. I love
						      the way they use black
						      smoke to signal that
						      they haven't picked a
						      Pope and..."
			   "No, Ralph, no."
			   "What do I care for the C.I.A. Director's tawdry
			    affairs? I'm on the trail of Satan himself!"
[A Mike Baron DEADMAN story]
			   "The stupid are deaf to the truth; they hear, but
			    think that the wisdom applies to someone else."
					   -- Heraclitus
			   "Do you know back at the turn of the century how
			    long it took to cross Manhattan on horse?  What
			    the average speed was?  Seven miles an hour.  You
			    what it is today?  Exactly the same, seven miles
			    an hour."
					   -- John Denver
		 "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length."
						-- Robert Frost
			   "Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it
			    comes late in life."
					   -- Lord Byron
			   "An intellectual is someone whose mind watches
					   -- Albert Camus
			   "Look!  Sunglasses!	EXACTLY like the ones worn by
			    the American Don Johnson!"
[Several Chinese Army guards find evidence in THE SHADOW]
			   "I-I-I didn't know they
			    were carnivorous!"
						     "Or expert shots!"
			   "Permit me to introduce myself.  My name's Dracula,
			    Lord of the Undead.	 God, I do love the way that
			   "Besides, my teeth aren't what they used to be.  I
			    have some weird degenerate gum disease.  It turns
			    out even the Undead have to floss."
[Dracula discusses problems of the modern vamipire in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
			   "Not bad.  Were you aiming
			    for the Ferarri?"
						     "Yeah, but I thought it
						      would have made a bigger
[A large tyrannosaurus and Dracula discuss trajectories in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
			   "You forgot to read your fortune cookie... It
			    says... you're shit out of luck."
[Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry in THE DEAD POOL]
			   "The following program contains language which may
			    be offensive enough to knock a buzzard off a
[A cartoon I saw]
			   "Do they still keep track
			    of me at the Agency?"
						     "We heard you married
						      some old Nazi."
			   "He was NOT a Nazi -- he
			    was Austrian."
						     "So was Hitler."
			   "Yes, but *he* had no
			    sense of humor."
[A wonderful exchange between Glenda Jackson and Walter Matthau in
 HOPSCOTCH, a film well worth searching out]
			   "It's public knowledge that you dislike small
			    animals and children, Luthor."
[Superman IV -- don't see it!]
			   "I have discovered that all human evil comes from
			    this, man's being unable to sit still in a room."
					   -- Blaise Pascal
			   "If you're going to do something tonight that
			    you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late."
					   -- Henny Youngman
			   "After decades of "Masterpiece Theater" decline,
			    deferent workers cheering dim royals, and legions
			    of garden fetishists whose idea of fun was a
			    gentle discussion of acidity levels in the
			    topsoil, the class system is finally getting
			    shaken up.	There are happier consequences of this
			    than violence, of course, but the hooligan revival
			    is at least a reminder that there's now no
			    shortage of Britons successful enough to deserve
			    beating up and plenty of others self-confident
			    enough to do it."
					   -- Andrew Sullivan
			   "Spock, maybe your
			    reknowned Vulcan logic
			    can get Jim to rest.  God
			    know he never listens to
						     "Do not take it
						      personally, Dr. McCoy.
						      *None* of us listens to
[A classic exchange between Spock and McCoy in the STAR TREK comic]
			   "Oh, come ON!  A one-man
						     "There is no other kind."
			   "Okay, Sister, I never
			    hurt a nun before..."
						     "Undt you won't hurt one
						      now, you little turd."
[A street punk addressing a transexual, former Nazi nun nicknamed "Sister
 Twyster." From THE BADGER]
			   "Are you Catholic?"
						     "Episcopalian, and not
			   "Ja, ja.  Agnoztic."
			   "I'll keep 'em off your Holy Ass as long as you're
			    in Wisconsin."
			   "Vhat are you doing?"
						     "I was preparing to
						      divine trends in
						      business software
						      through the ritual
						      sacrifice of AT&T's
						      Consumer Memory Banks.
						      Will you assist me?"
			   "Wiss pleasure!"
						     "It's more humane than
						      animal sacrifices and
						      infinitely more
			   "Strangers may laugh at him behind his back, but
			    still he saves their lives!"
[That could only describe... THE FLAMING CARROT!]
			   "You should always read the instructions first,
			    Uncle Billy!"
[FLAMING CARROT offers some good advice to Uncle Billy re: his mail-order
 jungle bride]
			   "Senators, TV crews and the nation in general are
			    mystified when, on the third day, Flaming Carrot
			    shows a Star Trek blooper reel on behalf of the
[FLAMING CARROT at the Senate Hearings]
			   "Meanwhile... the Carrot
			    is using his keen but
			    unorthodox crimefighting
						     "Are you a gangster?"
			   "I loved you... loved you as much as any American
			    used car dealer could..."
[Uncle Billy laments in FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
			   "The summit meeting has also allowed a warm
			    personal relationship to blossom between the two
			    world leaders. This warmth was evident right from
			    their first joint press conference, where
			    Gorbachev offered, as a gesture of his friendship
			    toward Reagan, to have Sam Donaldson shot."
					   --Dave Barry
			   "Dave Sim appears in dark glasses and talks like
			    he's been up for three days doing God knows what,
			    which is kind of how you like to think of Dave
					   -- Rob Rodi
			   "I didn't resolve the questions... and I find that
			    entertaining.  And if my life were to end
			    tomorrow, it would be fulfilled in that manner.  I
			    would say, 'The questions have been terrific.'"
					   -- Jack Kirby on his work
			   "I don't often make a mistake, but when I do, it's
			    a beaut."
					   -- Fiorello La Guardia
			   "I'm through with takin' falls
			    And bouncing off the walls;
			    Without that gun
			    I'd have some fun 
			    And kick you in the..."
						       "Nose?  Dat don't rhyme
							wit 'walls'!"
			   "No, but THIS does!"
[Eddie Valiant in ROGER RABBIT]
			   "As a last resort, we can
			    always sic Les Nesman on
						     "My God... that could
						      signal the end of
						      organized religion as we
						      know it."
			   "Whenever I'm faced with a difficult situation, I
			    like to ask myself what my idol, Edward R. Murrow,
			    would think; and I think Ed would call this
			   "But I also ask myself what my other hero, General
			    George Patton, would think; and I think George
			    would believe this country needs to be cleaned up.
			    Why, if George were alive today, he'd take two
			    armored tank divisions into Hollywood and knock
			    those liberal pinheads into the ocean!
			   "So, as you can see, I'm a very confused man.  And
			    when I'm confused, there's only one thing that
			    makes me feel better: I watch TV."
					   -- Les Nesman
			   "Writing is like prostitution.  First you do it for
			    love, and then for a few close friends, and then
			    for money."
					   -- Moliere
			   "I don't mind you *thinking* I'm stupid, but don't
			    *talk* to me like I'm stupid."
					   -- Harlan Ellison
			   "There, but for the grace of God, goes God."
					   -- Herman Mankiewicz on Orson Welles
			   "What do you know about
			    show business, Mr.
						     "Only that there's no
						      business like it... no
						      business I know."
			   "A Toon killed his brother... dropped a piano on
			    his head."
			   "A ladies man, eh?"
						     "The problem is, I gotta
						      fifty-year-old lust and
						      a three-year-old dinky."
			   "I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way."
			   "Haven't seen you for nigh
			    onto three years.  Where
			    you been, Eddie?"
						     "Drunk.  Feeling frisky
						      tonight, boys?"
			   "A good many things go around in the dark besides
			    Santa Claus."
					   -- Hoover
			   "Gee, this is pretty good for slop!"
[Gourmet advice from JONNY QUEST]
			   "...and so -- for weeks after -- you won't be able
			    to swing a dead CAT in Jerusalem without hitting
			    someone descended from the house of David...
			    anointed by a close relative... riding into town
			    on a donkey."
[The tantalizing tail end of the Judge's soliloquy from CEREBUS]
			   "If you don't find him,
			    they'll shoot him down
			    like a dog!"
						     "Well, he *is* a dog."
[A cute little gypsy girl pleads with THE BADGER over Spuds McKen... err,
 Buddy McBride]
			   "I see more than you do,
			    child.  I see an end to
			    Hell.  What do YOU see?"
						     "I see someone in a lot
						      of pain."
[Dekko and Jenny from ZOT!]
			   "I give up then.  If Mozart can't justify our
			    continued existence, nothing can."
[Max, a man in love with the minutae and beauty of life, from ZOT!]
			   "Did you learn that from
			    captains' school, too?"
						     "No.  Rodgers and
[Uhura and Kirk from the STAR TREK comic.]
			   "Wow!  You're up and
			    around already?  I'm
						     "Oh, great.  Now they'll
						      be no living with him."
[End of a great punch line with Kirk getting out of bed and McCoy's acid
			   "You and Ronald McDonald are the two most popular
			    clowns in this country right now."
[Nick Fury's comments on Clay Quarterman's Ollie North-like popularity.
			   "But only the wind picked
			    him up, and blew him away
			    into the Arizona skies.
			    And, I hope, to a better
			   "Rio, maybe."
						     "MR. JONES!"
			   "Well, I didn't want to
			    sound too maudlin."
[Rick Jones from the same issue of THE HULK]
			   "In the afterlife, everyone's good-looking."
					   -- Laurie Thompson
			   "You realize that if they
			    catch us they will beat
			    us, torture us, and kill
						     "So, you are suggesting
						      we go home?"
			   "No, this is more fun."
[The two brownies from WILLOW]
			   "What will we do when they
						     "See if we can sell Mom
						      and Dad into slavery for
						      a star cruiser."
			   "I try to make everyone's day a little more
			   "I kind of like it.
			    Interesting percussion
						     "Those are cannons."
			   "And they perform this in
			    crowded concert halls?
			    Gee, I thought classical
			    music was boring!"
			   "I've got *plenty* of common sense!	I just choose
			    to ignore it."
			   "Why would she want
			    another kid?? She's
			    already got ME!"
						     "Yes, you'd think she'd
						      have learned her lesson
						      by now..."
			   "Either he's playing classical music at 78 RPM, or
			    I'm still dreaming."