Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Corrected 1992 List, Part 7 of 11] Message-ID: <1993May10.035449.22020@tc.fluke.COM> Keywords: Acres O' Quotes Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.035354.21960@tc.fluke.COM> Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:54:49 GMT Lines: 1850 "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Jane Wagner ---- "Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world." -- Lily Tomlin ---- "I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." -- Steve Martin ---- "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -- Steve Martin ---- "I believe in going to church every Sunday ... unless there's a game on." -- Steve Martin ---- "I believe in 8 of the 10 commandments." -- Steve Martin ---- "I believe in the family. Mom and Dad and Grandma and Uncle Tod who waves his penis." -- Steve Martin ---- Delta Airlines: Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. [Late-Night with David Letterman] ---- Selections from TOP 10 VOTING TIPS: 7. We want someone who's going to stand up to Iran or Iraq or whoever has the bearded guy 6. As a gag, close curtain in booth and yell "Hey! Who used up all the hot water?" 5. Voting is important, but nobody would blame you if you stayed home and watched "HARDBODIES" on cable again 3. Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore. Who'd know? -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- TOP TEN NEW YORK CITY PEDESTRIAN TIPS 10. The city does not employ so called 'Wallet Inspectors' 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs 7. Jon Gotti always has the right of way 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "Attention people of New York City... Attention citizens of New York City... My name is Robert C. Wright. I am the president of NBC. The most powerful television network in the world. I'm not wearing pants. I am not wearing pants. You people go home. The Christmas tree is not up yet. Go back to Long Island. We don't want you here." -- David Letterman ---- GEORGE BUSH'S TOP 10 DISAPPOINTMENTS ABOUT DAN QUAYLE 10. Insists on calling Senators "dudes". 9. Uses motorcade to cruise chicks. 8. Oval Office is not the same since he put up Van Halen posters. 7. Keeps asking for five bucks till pay day. 6. Plays hacky sack right beside the "button". 5. Orders pizzas. 4. Keeps referring to Barbara as "Helen Hayes" 3. Gets his father to call in sick for him. 2. Invites National Guard buddies over to see non-violent movies. 1. Mrs. Quayle -- David Letterman ---- "As a boy he dreamed of being a ship's captain, but gave it up when someone explained to him what sharks were ..." -- Woody Allen ---- "A thousand years passed since Agamemnon said, `Don't open The gates, who the hell needs A wooden horse that size?' -- Woody Allen ---- "And for God's sake don't invest money in any brokerage firm in which one of the partners is named 'Frenchy'." -- Woody Allen ---- "My Lord, my Lord! What hast thou done, lately?" -- Woody Allen ---- "Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, `Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it.'" -- Woody Allen ---- "The ballet opens at a carnival. There are refreshments and rides. Many people in gaily colored costumes dance and laugh, to the accompaniment of flutes and woodwinds, while the trombones play in a minor key to suggest that soon the refreshments will run out and everybody will be dead." -- Woody Allen ---- "What is it about death that bothers me so? Probably the hours." -- Woody Allen ---- "Sure I stole. Why not? When I grew up, you had to steal to eat. Then you had to steal to tip." -- Woody Allen ---- "When I mentioned that it seemed to me that the Reverend's followers were being systematically turned into mindless zombies by a fraudulent megalomaniac, it was taken as criticism." -- Woody Allen ---- "I never forgot the incident and years later, when the Luftwaffe was bombing London, I shone a light on the critic's house." -- Woody Allen ---- "Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are lit so badly!" -- Woody Allen ---- "Even the works of the great Shakespeare will disappear when the universe burns out -- not such a terrible thought, of course, when it comes to a play like "Titus Andronicus", but what about the others?" -- Woody Allen ---- "God is silent," he was fond of saying, "now if we can only get Man to shut up." -- Woody Allen ---- "Finally, yet another book on the Holocaust. This one with cutouts." -- Woody Allen ---- "The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house." -- Woody Allen ---- "More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly." -- Woody Allen ---- "Eternal nothingness is OK, if you're dressed for it." -- Woody Allen ---- "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." -- Woody Allen ---- "I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats." -- Woody Allen, on the KKK ---- "The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep." -- Woody Allen ---- "I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it afterward in seedy space-rangers bars, like some cops I could mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterwards for hours to my girlfriend!" -- Douglas Adams ---- "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri." -- Douglas Adams ---- "Honesty always gives you the benefit of surprise in the House of Commons." -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "Doesn't the futility of it all depress you, Bernard?" "Not really, Minister. I'm a civil servant." -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "Very well. If you walked into a nuclear-missile showroom you would buy Trident! It's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful! It is quite simply the best, and Britain should have the best. In the world of the nuclear missile it is the Saville Row suit. The Rolls Royce Corniche. The Chateau Lafitte 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrod's would sell. What more can I say?" "Only that it costs 15 billion pounds and we don't need it." "Well, you can say that about anything at Harrod's!" -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "Humphrey, who is it that has the last word about the government of Britain? The British cabinet or the American president?" "You know, that's a fascinating question. We often discuss it." -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "Well, he's very keen on it." "What's that got to do with it?! Things don't happen just because Prime Ministers are very keen on them! Neville Chamberlain was very keen on peace!" -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "Bernard, this doesn't say anything." "Oh, thank you, Prime Minister." -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "I want to have a clear conscience." "A clear conscience!" "Yes." "When did you acquire this taste for luxuries?" -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "Yes, we will want simultaneous translators ... No, not when the P.M. meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations ... Yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States." -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "Responsibility without power -- the prerogative of the eunuch throughout the ages." -- Yes, Prime Minister ---- "He can't ignore facts." "If he can't ignore facts, he's got no business being a politician." -- Yes, Minister ---- "It's not my job to care. That's what politicians are for. It's my job to carry out government policy." "Even if you think it's wrong?" "Almost all government policy is wrong, but frightfully well carried out." -- Yes, Minister ---- "I am going to do something about the number of women in the Civil Service." "Surely there aren't all that many?" -- Yes, Minister ---- "You're paid to advise me. Advise me!" "All in all, this is not unlike trying to advise the Captain of the Titanic after he has struck the iceberg." "Come on, there must be something we can do." "We could sing, 'Abide with Me'." -- Yes, Minister ---- "I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel." -- Blackadder III ---- "They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor they are forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas. Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant stalking things." -- Blackadder III ---- "They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head." -- Blackadder III ---- "She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition." -- Blackadder III ---- "I found the Loch Ness monster and discovered the reason it so seldom emerges is that it has cable." -- Steven Wright ---- "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." -- Steven Wright ---- "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'" -- Steven Wright ---- "I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child." -- Steven Wright ---- "I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast anytime.' So I ordered French toast during the renaissance." -- Steven Wright ---- "Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert -- she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants more, she lights a match." -- Steven Wright ---- "I dislike beings who claim to be omniscient but have to be told how to go to the bathroom." [WHAT TH'?!!! #1] ---- Dan Quayle, addressing a council of the United Negro College Fund: "What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." ---- New slogan for Exxon: "Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident." -- David Letterman ---- "Croquet: So much fun it takes eight people to have it!!" -- Pooh ---- TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE PANAMANIAN ELECTIONS: 10. "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in the drug traffic." 9. "A puppet government? The kids should enjoy that." 8. "We better just forget about our extensive plans to fix the election boys -- Jimmy Carter is here!" 7. "Porque' Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?" 6. "How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the ballot?" 5. "With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to project a winner." 4. "The guy who played Ringo looked just like him." (Sorry, that was heard at the Beatlemania concert, not the Panamanian election.) 3. "Sorry for the confusion Miss Collins, but we're having really big ELECTIONS down here." 2. "Congratulations! You chose Pepsi." 1. "A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!" -- David Letterman ---- "But there's nothing like Death off duty to cushion a fall." -- The Storyteller ---- "Don't worry... I said *if* there was any justice. I doubt that there is." [Frank McPike on WISEGUY] ---- "A copyright infringement suit is a way create confusion in a marketplace until your enginering staff can get's its act together." -- Guy Kawasaki, _The Macintosh Way_ ---- "Extraordinary how potent cheap music is." -- Noel Coward, "Private Lives" ---- "Well, I don't think they're Presbyterians." [THE MUPPET MOVIE] ---- "...for criminal conspiracy, copyright infringements, fraud, tax evasion, and a generally annoying attitude." [Frank on WISEGUY] ---- "Heh heh heh... you're a funny little man, aren't you?" "Heh heh heh... not as long as I have your yams in my pocket, I'm not." [McPike and Twine, at it again, on WISEGUY] ---- "Irony is the stem of the rose." [Who but Tim Curry could say this? WISEGUY] ---- "I'm not a sycophant, Winston; I am a Sicillian; and we view alliances with a fatalistic eye." [Vinnie tells of Newquay in WISEGUY] ---- "It's a basic tenet of democracy -- innocent until proven guilty. Not that we should let that stand in the way of a good time." [Frank McPike in WISEGUY] ---- "They're not booing. They're just chanting `Dave! Dave!'" -- David Letterman ---- "Remember, peasants, it's not a disgrace to be poor, only to dress like it!" [ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE] ---- "I was picked up by a ship of pirates where they did unspeakable things to me." "That must have been awful." "Well, not really." [TOP SECRET] ---- "But these amps go to 11." [THIS IS SPINAL TAP] ---- "There are 2 basic truths, never fight a land war in Asia and never go against a Sicilian if death is on the line." [THE PRINCESS BRIDE] ---- "Mighty Mouse versus Superman? That's a tough one." -- STAND BY ME ---- "But in accordance with our traditional principles of free enterprise and healthy competition, I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it." [MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS] ---- "Great, the blood-sucking Brady Bunch." [THE LOST BOYS] ---- "Let's kick his ass." "No, we're seniors now." [HEATHERS] ---- "Betty, if you were happy all the time, you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game show host." [HEATHERS] ---- "Flash: President Eisenhower really cartoon character Elmer Fudd." [Robin Williams in GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM] ---- "I make it a rule never to mess around with possessed women. Well, actually it's a guideline." [GHOSTBUSTERS] ---- "Next time someone asks you if you're a god, SAY YES!!" [GHOSTBUSTERS] ---- "All this for money? You're just a common thief." "I am an *exceptional* thief." [DIE HARD] ---- "What in th' wide, Wide World of Sports is goin' on here?" -- Slim Pickens, BLAZING SADDLES ---- "But, Batman, why didn't you just throw the bomb into the bar with those filthy drunks?" "They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're human beings, too." [The 196* version of BATMAN THE MOVIE] ---- "It's on me. Shakespeare for everybody!" -- Rodney Dangerfield, BACK TO SCHOOL ---- "My advice to you is that you start drinking heavily." [Bluto in ANIMAL HOUSE] ---- "If not us, who. If not now, when." -- Ronald Reagan in ALIEN NATION ---- "Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been!" -- Capt. Rex Cramer [AIRPLANE] ---- "You've come to Nottingham once too often." "When this is over my friend, there'll be no need for me to come again." [THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD] ---- "Cogito ergo esse. I think therefore you is." -- The King of the Moon ---- "This is precisely the sort of thing that no one ever believes." -- Baron Munchausen ---- "Heh heh, yeah. I remember *my* first beer." -- Steve Martin ---- "Detroit Free Press" fashion columnist on BATMAN: "He avenges the innocent, upholds justice, and makes a unique fashion statement." ---- "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." -- THE PRINCESS BRIDE ---- "Is this heaven?" "No... it's Iowa." [From FIELD OF DREAMS] ---- "Anxiety and conscience are a powerful pair of dynamos. Between them, they have ensured that one shall work hard, but they cannot ensure that one will work at anything worthwhile." -- Arnold Toynbee ---- "It is overdoing the thing to die of love." -- French proverb ---- "An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping it will eat him last." -- Winston Churchill ---- "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children." -- Duke of Windsor ---- "Lean too much on the approval of people, and it becomes a bed of thorns." -- Tehyi Hsieh ---- "The best thing about animals is that they don't talk much." -- Thorton Wilder ---- "I am beginning to repel people I am trying to seduce." "He must have been great-looking, right?" "Why do you say that?" "Because nobody invites a *bad*-looking idiot to their bedroom." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?" "Call if you get weird." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "Couldn't they all come through the same window?" [The SWAT team through Maddie's window in MOONLIGHTING] ---- "You think anyone who's proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser." "No... I think anyone who *puckers* up their lips, and *presses* it against their boss's buttocks and then *smoochs* is an ass-kisser." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "You're just absolutely right, and I'm absolutely wrong. It must be NICE to always believe you know better... to always think you're the smartest person in the room." "No, it's *awful*." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "What d'you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?" "Keep it to yourself!" [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm an asshole." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "Now, is there anything I can do for you?" "Well, I certainly hope you die soon." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "Take this creature, for example: he does not exhibit any DNA structure." "Look who's talkin'. Man, you sound just like my ex-wife." [Data and a gambler from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION] ---- "Sorry, boys, there's nothing I can do for you. I'm all washed up; my super-hero days are over. But as long as you're here... how about a little stud poker?" [THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE] ---- "I've heard enough of your twaddle, Ringleader; we'll settle this the *American* way -- with our fists!" [THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE] ---- "There are three things I've learned not to discuss with people: Religion, Politics, and the Great Pumpkin." [Linus from PEANUTS] ---- "Humphrey knows nothing about newspapers. He's a Civil Servant. I'm a politician, I know all about them. I have to. They can make or break me. I know exactly who reads them. _The Times_ is read by the people who run the country. The _Daily Mirror_ is read by the people who think they run the country. _The Guardian_ is read by the people who think they ought to run the country. _The Morning Star_ is read by the people who think the country ought to be run by another country. _The Independent_ is read by the people who don't know who runs the country but are sure they're doing it wrong. The _Daily Mail_ is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The _Financial Times_ is read by the people who own the country. The _Daily Express_ is read by the people who think that the country ought to be run as it used to be run. The _Daily Telegraph_ is read by the people who still think it *is* their country. And _Sun_ readers don't care who runs the country providing she has big tits." -- YES, PRIME MINISTER ---- "Supposing I gave the order to press the button, and then changed my mind?" "That's all right, no one would ever know, would they?" -- YES, PRIME MINISTER ---- "There are no big name people here, only those of us with bigger mouths than others." -- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes ---- "When you're God, you find your little jokes go down rather well." -- God, the Ultimate Autobiography ---- "Trouble: Charles Manson. *REAL* Trouble: His evil twin." -- Mister Boffo ---- "The University of Utah has announced that they can turn seawater into fuel. Exxon's already doing that in Alaska." -- Jay Leno 4/3/89 ---- "Fundamentalists are to Christianity what paint-by-numbers is to art." -- Robin Tyler ---- "Why use a REAL development system when you can bang a rock against your head?" [From the net...] ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "AVALANCHE (Embassy) 1978. Roger Corman's ski resort is populated by corrupt businessmen, sensitive misunderstood wives, and sincere, motivated ecologists -- all schtuping like there's no tomorrow!" ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "SGT. PRESTON OF THE YUKON (Rhino). A middle-aged man who like to dress up in bright red uniforms and hang out with a team of Husky dogs mixes it up with mean, grizzled trappers in vintage TV episodes." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "COCKTAIL (Touchstone). Sexual exploits of a handsome mixologist furnished the Beach Boys with their first number one hit in 18 years." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "RUNNING ON EMPTY (Warner). Emotional, disturbing picture about fugitive radicals trying to lead "normal" lives is important -- not for River Phoenix's adenoidal method-acting, but because it deglorifies the 60's and presents it as the uptight, violent decade it really was." ---- "Just like I've always said; there's nothing an agnostic can't do if he's not sure he believes in anything or not!" [Monty Python] ---- "The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country..." [?] ---- "Drop the gun or I'll kill your girlfriend." "Go ahead. I got lots of girlfriends." [THE DREAM TEAM] ---- "But in spite of all temptations To belong to other nations He remains an Englishman! He rema-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ains an Englishman!" [Gilbert and Sullivan] ---- "Hell's not so bad, as long as you don't mind eating at Arby's." -- Nick Bonesteel ---- "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine." -- Patti Smith ---- "They laughed at Fulton, they laughed at Bell, they even laughed at Edison. But this was genuine, heartfelt laughter... robust rolling waves of it, from deep down... the kind where you know they really mean it." -- Joe Martin ---- "In the meantime, one word for any atheists among you: wrong." -- God, the Ultimate Autobiography ---- "Take cover everyone. Justice is about to be unleashed!" "Holy crow! Not in my store!!" [Ad ad for GUN FURY] ---- "Take that and that and THAT and *THAT*! Ha! I warned you, didn't I? Didn't I warn you? I thought I warned you. I didn't? Oh, sorry." [That crazy Max! From SAM AND MAX] ---- "We're buccaneers! We used to have mundane office jobs, working in cubicles with water coolers and coffee cups with clever slogans and those wacky calendars with photos of diseased-looking chimps wearing neckties." "But you've got hooks and peg legs." "Funny about that." [More reality concepts from SAM AND MAX] ---- "I love crap we'll never need -- that's my *favorite* kind of crap!" [Truth from SAM AND MAX] ---- "ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: I blame society." [From the forward of THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- "It was a mutual parting of the ways. We gave him the freedom to do what he wanted to do." "What was that?" "Drink himself to death." [THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- "Yes, I produced and directed a movie. A guy had come to me with a great script called ROTHRO, LIZARD OF DOOM. I loved it, but I figured a lot of people would have trouble remembering the name. I know I did. So I made a few changes, and we released the film." "ED SMITH, LIZARD OF DOOM." [THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- "Not bad for someone Dick Cavett once called `the stupidest man on the face of this planet.'" "Stupid? I don't know the meaning of the word." [THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- "Cowboy Wally, do you deny saying Grace with your mouth full on your 1979 Christmas episode?" "Of course not! I am merely stating that if He had been there and could smell that gravy and those potatoes, I think the Good Lord Himself would have done the same thing." [THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- "`They killed his father. Now he's fighting back. When the law is not enough, it's time to call HAMLET.'" "That could work." "Is he two-fisted? We'll do it if he's two-fisted!" [THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- "But don't you see? Don't you understand what you're doing?" "Oh, yeah. I'm destroying Shakespeare's snob appeal." "You *fiend*." [THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- "I want anything with a codpiece." "What's a codpiece?" "It makes you look bigger." "Oh, like pinstripes." [THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW] ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "DETECTIVE SCHOOL DROP-OUTS (Cannon). Frenzied, on-target comedy about three Mafia cheese families' plan to dominate the world pizza market. Best line: `Our cheese will be on every pizza on the planet except California. God knows what they put on pizza in California!'" ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "LONG JOHN SILVER (Showcase) 1952. Robert Newton reprises his TREASURE ISLAND role as a smelly, peg-legged old grunt who'd rather hang out with a bunch of sailors wearing scarves than with a lusty wench who wants his body. Go figure." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE DUNWICH HORROR (Embassy) 1970. Noted Dennis Hopper side-kick Dean Stockwell excels in this H.P. Lovecraft story of a Beatle-booted looney who's more interested in 'unleashing the old ones' then getting romantic with Sandra Dee. Before Stockwell's recent comeback via BLUE VELVET and MARRIED TO THE MOB, he had been selling real estate in Los Angeles. Do you think that's where he learned to lip-sync Roy Orbison songs?" ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE PARIS EXPRESS (Showcase) 1953. Claude 'The Invisible Man' Raines is a dithery little Walter Mitty who accidentally kills his corrupt boss and hides out with a sexy dominatrix who steals his money, plies him with cheap booze, and calls him abusive and pejorative names. Too bad Pictionary hadn't been invented yet!" ---- "Whenever you have efficient government, you have a dictatorship." -- Harry Truman ---- "The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love." -- W. Somerset Maugham ---- "I have learned to use the word `impossible' with the greatest caution." -- Werner von Braun ---- "You are not a realist unless you believe in miracles." -- Anwar el-Sadat ---- "Silence is the perfectest of herald of joy: I were but little happy, if I could say how much." -- William Shakespeare ---- "Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind." -- Henry James ---- "There is nothing so habit-forming as money." -- Don Marquis ---- "Girls like her are one in a million, so I guess my chances are a million to one" -- "Love at First Sight", Jad Fair/Half-Japanese 50 Skidillion Watts Records ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jan. 1st In college bowl action, 'Goiters whip 'Roids, 'Geeters whonk 'Nads, and Colorado Raging Hormones upset Utah State Fighting Lavatory Inspection Certificates, leaving the question of who is national champion once again to be settled by the official NCAA procedure of drunks shouting in bars. ---- "I'm bored with music between 1955 and 1980. I'm completely bored. I can't listen to a rock and roll record. I can't do it. I would rather listen to hogs screwing." -- Sting ---- "To the unwashed public, that woman is a star. But to those who know her, she's a commodity who would sell her own bowel movement." -- Anthony Newley re: ex-wife Joan Collins ---- "I'm a salami writer. I try to write good salami, but salami is salami." -- Stephen King ---- "We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people." -- Sugar Ray Leonard ---- "I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look like King Kong." -- Mr. T ---- "I can see stopping a car for a dog. But a cat? You squish a cat and go on. I think we're overcomplicating life." -- Iowa Democratic State Senator James Gallagher ---- "Work is the rent you pay for the room you occupy on earth." -- Queen Elizabeth ---- "The apes were all homosexuals, eager to wrap their paws around Johnny's thighs. They were jealous of me, and I loathed them." -- Maureen O'Sullivan ---- "When we lose, I eat. When we win, I eat. I also eat when we're rained out." -- Tommy Lasorda ---- "I'd love to have my conk fixed. It's too big." -- Princess Diana ---- "My wife and children are liabilities, and I haven't sold them, have I?" -- Ted Turner ---- "When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter ---- "I know there are nights when I have power, when I could put on something and walk in somewhere, and if there's a man who doesn't look at me, it's because he's gay." -- Kathleen Turner ---- "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead." -- Ann Landers ---- "I'll do anything for him! I love him very much! Write that with very big letters!" -- Brigitte Nielsen re: Sylvester Stallone, 1985 ---- "My father peddles opium, My mother's on the dole. My sister used to walk the streets But now she's on parole. My uncle plays with little girls; My aunt, she raped a steer, But they won't even speak to me 'cause I'm an engineer." -- The MIT Engineers' Drinking Song ---- "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening ---- "Some of Beethoven's favorite tunes are Mendelssohn's 'Requiem', Handel's 'Messiah', and Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet'." -- Bill & Ted ---- "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams ---- "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason ---- "I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tuna-fish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock." -- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison ---- "The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums." -- Peter De Vries ---- "In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others." -- Andre Maurois ---- "YUPPIES:es, nder eer
ressure 'll
at hit" -- Chris Squire ---- THANK GOD I'M A MONKEYBOY! (sung to the tune of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy") Well, I'm a Blue Blaze and I have a lotta fun, A-settin' them Lectroid fellas on the run. Stab 'em with a knife Or shoot 'em with a gun... Thank God I'm a monkeyboy. Well, we got a boss and his name is Buckaroo. He's a rock and roll musician and a neurosurgeon, too. Get in any trouble And he'll know just what to do... Thank God I'm a monkeyboy. Well, I got me a Go-Phone, I got my inventions. I got me a Jet-Car to go to conventions. Mountains in the way? We just use the Eighth Dimension! Thank God I'm a monkeyboy. -- Music: John Denver (Monkeyboy) Lyrics: Blackjack (BBI) Copyright 1989 by Savage Music Division ---- "Doing what's right isn't the problem. It's knowing what's right." -- L.B.J. ---- "Artistic growth is, more than it is anything else, a refining of the sense of truthfulness. The stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult it is." -- Willa Cather ---- "It's... Ghandi On Ice!" "I'm starving for attention, proclaiming my dissension..." [From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?] ---- "For the last 14 years, Mr. Ed has lived in a small town in northern California, where he hosts a local radio show." "The subject tonight is Nazi transvestites. I'm Mr. Ed; talk to me." [From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?] ---- "Free James Brown! Free James Brown!" "Hey! Why James Brown? Why aren't you concerned about Nelson Mandela?" "Hey! We take care a' our people -- you let the Eye-talians worry about Nelson Mandela!" [From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?] ---- "Oh, Frank, um... wear leather, OK? Love you, babe." [Vinnie tweaks Frank in WISEGUY] ---- "She used to be a superstar -- now she works for you. Life can be cruel." [...and Travis tweaks Vinnie in WISEGUY] ---- "...there's MARVEL PREMIERE which features `Wholesome HOWIE' CHAYKIN..." -- Marvel Hype Box, circa 1976 ---- "An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered." -- G. K. Chesterton ---- "Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence." -- Henrik Tikkanen ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER (CMV). As SCTV would say, `Stay tuned for THE MAKING OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER, followed by THE MAKING OF THE MAKING OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER.'" ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "SLIPPING INTO DARKNESS (Virgin). `Thrilling action occurs when small-town girls seeking big-time excitement accidentally kill a young boy and must escape the vengeance of his biker buddies.' You meet the nicest people on a Honda." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "BUCKEYE AND BLUE (Academy). Two spoiled teen-agers from the New York Academy for the Performing Arts prance around in Civil War duds and say `Yup,' `Nope,' and `Ah reckon.' This really sucks." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "REDNECK ZOMBIES (TransWorld). Ad states `Slobbering hillbillies drink some radioactive brewsky and become cannibal kinfolk from Hell!' Personally, I would reflect long and hard before renting any movie that was shot in `entrail-vision.'" ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE FEAR CHAMBER (Republic). Boris Karloff and his daughter discover a super-intelligent, subterranean rock that can only survive on the blood of terrified human beings. Apparently the rock plans to conquer the world, though it spends most of its time watching bad topless dancing." ---- "Looky hyar, boys!" "Golden bullets!" "Hoo-hah!" "This man is the LONE STRANGER!" [From the classic Kurtzman/Davis MAD parody of the Lone Ranger] ---- "Of the 500 or so films a year from all the Hollywood sources during [the height of the studio system] -- and I saw many of them when they were released, some of them much more recently -- I estimate that about two percent are worth the time of a cultivated viewer today." -- Stanley Kauffmann ---- Excerpt from the press conference where Lyndon LaRouche supporters revealed a plot by the KGB and Department of Justice to assassinate LaRouche: "What documentation do you have to prove the KGB/DOJ murder plot?" "Ohhh, ho ho! We're sure all right." -- Alex Heard, THE NEW REPUBLIC ---- DAN QUAYLE ON LATIN AMERICA, 2/4/89 New York Times: "We expect them to work towards the elimination of human rights, elimination of human rights in accordance with the pursuit of justice." ---- "For the love of Jesus, Mr. Chiun." "Now you've done it." "For Jesus? Oh, no. We never got a day's work from Him." [Everyone's favorite Sinanju assassins, Remo and Chiun, from the DESTROYER] ---- "If you're not a player, you're not in the game." [Vinnie Terrenova's mob motto on WISEGUY] ---- "Emotionally vulnerable women.... They eat this sensitive crap up!" -- Dan Fielding ---- "Remember, these terrorists are professionals. Highly trained and well equipped. With their own set of silly religious beliefs." [There's nothing like three dinosaurs with semi-automatic weapons for cleaning up terrorism. From DINOSAURS FOR HIRE.] ---- "Well done, Lads. In record time, you killed ALL of the terrorists. Unfortunately, you've killed all the hostages as well." "Awww. Does that mean their boring life stories won't be made into a mini-series for the May sweeps?" [DINOSAURS FOR HIRE] ---- "For a cool half mil, I'd be Elvis' love slave." "He wouldn't *have* you. You talk too much, you're too skinny, and you always want on top." [It had to be said. DINOSAURS FOR HIRE] ---- "And as far as Burton directing goes..." "Oh, give it a rest." [Siskel and Ebert beat on each over the directing choice for Batman, in THE INCREDIBLE HULK] ---- "In what he called the 'great tradition of warnings in presidential farewells,' Reagan reproached the movies, television and young parents for failing to indoctrinate American youth in 200-proof patriotism, the way they did in his day. 'If we forget what we did,' said the man who still can't remember trading arms for hostages, 'we won't know who we are.' The section ended with this weird passage: 'And children, if your parents haven't been teaching you what it means to be an American, let 'em know and nail 'em on it. That would be a very American thing to do.'" -- Hendrik Hertzberg ---- "Somebody has to have the last word. If not, every argument could be opposed by another and we'd never be done with it." -- Albert Camus ---- "To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have written." -- Jean Jaques Rousseau ---- "The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at 7:30 in the morning feeling just plain terrible." -- Jean Kerr ---- "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it." -- E.B. White ---- "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -- Albert Einstein ---- "Think before you speak is criticism's motto; speak before you think, creation's." -- E.M. Forster ---- "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." -- Anatole France ---- "Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?" -- Stanislaw Lem ---- "Reason in man is rather like God in the world." -- St. Thomas Aquinas ---- "Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." [Classic Python from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL] ---- SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988: In a TV interview, House of Representatives Republican leader Robert Michel bemoaned the end of black-face minstrel shows, saying, "I used to love to imitate Amos 'n Andy." ---- SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988: Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Television Network was presenting "The Late Show" hosted by comedian Arsenio Hall, was approached by Hall in the parking lot of a Los Angeles restaurant. Murdoch handed Hall his valet parking stub and said, "It's the green Jaguar." ---- SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988: A spokesman for the California Board of Dental Examiners revealed the board's enforcement personnel carry guns because "There are some dentists out there who have a criminal kind of leaning." ---- "Voom???? That parrot wouldn't voom if you put 4000 volts through him. It's bleedin' demised... This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet his maker. It's a stiff -- bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, it would have been pushing up the daisies. It's off the twig. It's shuffled off this mortal coil. It's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible. It's f**king snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the metabolic processes, it's had it's lot. All statements to the effect that this parrot is still a going concern are henceforth inoperative. This is an EX-parrot." [Classic Python: who can possibly forget the Parrot Sketch?] ---- "This calls for... Ludicrous Speed!" [SPACEBALLS] ---- "All you have to do is... Spot The Looney!" [Python] ---- "Moderation in pursuit of justice is no virtue." -- Oliver North [...so support Ollie's philosophy, and send him to the slammer...] ---- "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- M. Cartmill ---- "Intel architectures build character." "Segments are for worms." "Feh." [Seen in another signoff line. I like it.] ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "JUNGLE HEAT (Interglobal). Lovable, obscenity-spewing Peter Fonda teams up with frigid, hard-working Deborah Raffin to track down a homicidal, gooey 'lost tribe' who look like midget Sons of Kong on bad Electric Kool-Aid." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE NEW ADVENTURES OF PIPPI LONGSTOCKING (Columbia). For unfathomable reasons, these Pippi movies have a fanatical following among the New York punk underground. You figure it out." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "PHANTASM II (MCA). To make up for featuring The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) for about ten minutes, this languid sequel spotlights some fairly graphic nudity. Problem is you're never really sure if the androgynous actor in question is a man or a woman, and that takes a lot of the fun out of it." ---- "I'm the world's first fully-functioning homicidal artist." [The Joker in the BATMAN movie] ---- "I wear a cape. You take pictures. It is not a perfect world." [Bruce Wayne philosophizes to his girlfriend in BATMAN] ---- "Well, ladies, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your dates are here." "What's the bad news?" "They're dead." [From the classic NIGHT OF THE CREEPS] ---- "If some guy is 6-foot-5 with gigantic muscles and incredibly handsome, why does he need to put on a batsuit? Why doesn't he just put on a ski mask and kick the crap out of people?" -- Tim Burton, director of BATMAN ---- "Such is the popularity of the president that the people will support him in whatever he will do or will not do, without appealing to their own reason or to anything but their feelings toward him." -- Thomas Jefferson ---- "God grant me the serenity to fix the bugs I find, and to call the rest features." [Seen in a signoff line, uncredited] ---- "What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator." [Seen in a signoff line, uncredited] ---- "Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people." [Monty Python's Dim! (DIM of the YARD!)] ---- "Democracy takes time. Dictatorship is quicker, but too many people get shot." [From the excellent Channel 4 production, "A Very British Coup"] ---- "The Americans want blood; but that of course is their style. They watch too many Westerns in their formative years." [From the excellent Channel 4 production, "A Very British Coup"] ---- "Shush, Pokey! At a time like this, NO job is less important than the next!" "What about those guys who hand out towels in the locker rooms?" [GUMBY AND POKEY'S WINTER FUN SPECIAL, where Gumby and Pokey go to Heck] ---- [Sung to Billy Joel's "The Longest Time"] When I next return from time and space I might have a somewhat different face Don't start debating I've been off regenerating That only happens For a Lord of Time. -- Peter David ---- "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." -- Dave Barry ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jan. 9th In a decision that will later prove to be a tragic mistake, Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis approves a prison furlough for U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 3rd Suspected drug trafficker Manuel Noriega purchases a full-page advertisement for "mail-order narcotics" in My Weekly Reader. Observant U.S. foreign-policy experts examine this possible clue with magnifying glasses and secret decoder rings. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 16th Primary election day finally dawns in New Hampshire as thousands of voters go to the polls, read the names of the leading presidential contenders, then lie down in the snow to die. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 17th The Winter Olympics are marred by suspicions of possible drug abuse after Ular Bforgsen of Norway wins the ski jump with a leap of 14,768 feet. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 25th True item: Published reports reveal that a U.S. B-1 bomber, which costs $238 million and is designed to use the world's most sophisticated technology to be able to penetrate deep into Soviet airspace, crashed because it hit a pelican. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Mar. 20th George "The Enforcer" Bush, explaining his Anti-Crime Platform at a Texas campaign rally, bites the head off a duck. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jun. 22nd In a cover story, Newsweek magazine reports that the Greenhouse Effect is getting worse and nobody can stop it and the polar ice caps are going to melt and we're all going to die. Next week's cover: Cher. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Aug. 2nd In Gdansk, Poland, shipyard workers finally reach an agreement with the government after eight years on strike and return to work, only to discover amidst much hearty laughter that they no longer have the faintest idea how to build ships. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 4th In a tough and practical pre-election stride forward in the War on Drugs, Congress votes to dig up deceased suspected pushers and have them shot. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 10th The America's Cup competition, reflecting radical improvements in technology, is won decisively by the U.S.S. Vincennes when skipper Dennis Conner "mistakes" the New Zealand challenger for an attacking Iranian fighter jet. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 18th In Olympic action, sprinter Ben Johnson wins the 100-meter dash, the 200-meter hurdles, the pole vault, platform diving, table tennis and tae kwon do. "I felt very good today," says the Canadian athlete, although not in any recognizable language. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 2nd Generoso Pope Jr., publisher of the National Enquirer, dies. Elvis rushes to scene. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 31st Many radio stations re-broadcast Orson Welle's classic "War of the Worlds" on the 50th anniversary of the night when millions of Americans were terrified by the belief that the Earth had been invaded by Martian spacecraft carrying furloughed rapist Willie Horton. ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Nov. 1st The publishers of Batman comics, responding to a poll of their readers, kill Pee-wee Herman. ---- "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: (1) not going all the way; and (2) not starting." -- Buddha ---- "The art of being a good guest is knowing when to leave." -- Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh ---- "I always prefer to believe the best of everybody -- it saves so much trouble." -- Rudyard Kipling ---- "It's Mayor McCheese." "Huh?? What kind of menace is Mayor McCheese?!" "Um... Okay. He has a machine gun." [Woody tries to add some life to a role-playing game in ZOT!] ---- "I'll bite his leg off." [Someone getting into a role-playing game a bit too much in ZOT!] ---- "Nah. You don't get it yet. See, I ain't inta gettin' burned. HELL no. Am inta burnin'. Man, I burn all *kindsa* shit." [The Ganja Fire Man, from MIRACLEMAN] ---- "And what you didn't give away, you spent on wild parties, young girls, and every drug you could get your hands on." "Every pill I took kept it out of some kid's hands!" [Melvis Wesley (yes, everyone uses a psuedonym these days) is back from the dead in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE] ---- "Howard Hughes, John Wayne, Melvis Wesley." "Rocket scientists all." [A wry dinosaur in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE] ---- "God BLESS America! You can't do this in Russia!" [Melvis comments on the freedoms he enjoys in America... DINOSAURS FOR HIRE] ---- "Gadzooks! The Bumble Snow Monster of the North strikes again!" -- Yukon Cornellius [You MUST know this one... from RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER] ---- "Thank you for not seating us. I'm sorry, our children are animals!" "Oh, come on now, Eleanor; in a sense, we are all animals, don't you think?" "McDONALDS, McDONALDS!!" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio ---- "Just remember, the stars are *very* far away... but that's good, because they're REALLY HOT!" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio ---- CORRECTION: "In our `Pets on Parade' episode, we incorrectly identified a Yorkshire Terrier as a reptile. Our veterinary friends assure us that the Yorky is actually a yapping rug, and not an animal at all." -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio ---- CORRECTION: "And lastly, we made the mistake of calling the Chief Executive of the United States of America `a mindless baboon', when we should have called him `Mr. President'." "For this, and for everything, we are sincerely sorry." "Very... sorry." -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio ---- CORRECTION: "Of course, the cards and letters just poured in when we mistakenly credited actor Clint Eastwood with the line `Why don't you come up and see me sometime?' in the movie IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE." "What Eastwood actually said was, `Move and I'll blow your head off,' in the film LAST YEAR AT MARIENBAD." "And it was actor Jimmy Stewart who said, `You're a frustrated old miser with no friends' to actress Donna Reed in the final moving scenes of the film, HIROSHIMA, MON AMOUR." "Our apologies to the entire film industry, as well as our listening audience. We are *very* sorry." "Sorry." -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio ---- "You know, back in the war I was a spy for General Lee. One day he called into his tent and he says, `Secret Agent X-9, I want you to go behind enemy lines and blow up a blue-belly bridge.' So, I disguised myself as a farmer, got myself a big bag of bombs and painted 'em all to look like ears of corn. Got behind enemy lines, and there was a Union picket there. Bunch of guards, they said, `Halt! Who goes there?' And I said, `Just a rebel spy, come to blow up the bridge!' "Well... soon as those words were outta my mouth, I coulda just kicked myself." -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY ---- "Eat death, orphans!" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY ---- "It's no use, boys -- there's too many damn orphans! (Why can't teenagers be more careful?)" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY ---- "Dear Doctor Science: Back in B.C., when they counted the years backwards, did they count the months and days backwards, too?" "Your ignorance appalls me." -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio ---- "There's something in the cornfield... an evil that has no name! Zadar, Cow from Hell!" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio ---- "You think this job is easy? Not only do I have to wade through politics, life and popular culture, I have to have an opinion. You can go to the movies and fall asleep -- not this consumer!" -- Ian Shoales ---- "At Microsoft, it doesn't matter which file you're compiling, only which flags you #define." -- Colin Plumb ---- "We had a better class of bastard in the old days, that's for sure." -- The Red Mask ---- "Strong men tremble when they hear it. They've got cause enough to fear it; It's even blacker than they smear it! No one mentions -- my name." -- Bill Sykes ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE GHOUL (Sinister Cinema) 1933. Boris Karloff, correctly sensing that his indifferent relatives, his corrupt accountant, and his slavishly persnickety butler are all going to steal his estate blind, comes back from the grave and scares the whoozits out of the greedy fuckers." ----