Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Corrected 1992 List, Part 6 of 11] Message-ID: <1993May10.035354.21960@tc.fluke.COM> Keywords: Acres O' Quotes Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.035302.21900@tc.fluke.COM> Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:53:54 GMT Lines: 1851 "Police have no clues, and have issued this terse statement: `Like we haven't got enough to worry about.'" [From STRAY TOASTERS] ---- "Wow, I didn't know Ninjas could become invisible!... Ninjas can breathe under water! They can dodge bullets at point blank range! They can walk up sides of buildings! They can install *telephones*!!!" [That rascal, THE TICK] ---- "He stands... like some kind of pagan god or deposed tyrant... staring out over the city he's sworn... to stare out over..." [THE TICK] ---- "Ah! I'll get a hold of that flagpole and jump to safety!" <*SNAP*> "Ah! I'll bounce off that broad flat surface and be in a lot of pain!!!" [THE TICK] ---- "My indifference to that comment can only be described as sexual in intensity." -- Martin Terman ---- "The clerk looked at it and said `Hmmmm. Bad book.' I was somewhat embarrassed and said, `Yeah, I read anything.' The clerk said, `I meant the glue.'" -- Matt Wiener ---- "It appears that while Diana was bestowed with the strength, wisdom and agility of the various Gods at birth, Jeanette Kahn was given 'the knees of a network TV executive'." [Moi] ---- "Reviewers are like jeans: you find one that matches your tastes, and then you stick with them until your tastes deviate (or you start losing change through the holes in the pockets), at which point you sell them to Russian immigrants." [Moi] ---- "Defining the line where art becomes a subset of entertainment is so intensely personal that I'm not at all sure what use it is to others. Rather like opinions about the nature of God, favorite sexual positions, and whether or not to have that piece of pecan pie after a bowl of Gumbo Creole." [Moi] ---- "I've always found that people use witty remarks when they have nothing meaningful to say." -- Martin Terman ---- "NAUSICAA #2: Gentle fun for all ages. Except maybe that part with all the dead bodies flying everywhere." -- Ed Hsu ---- "WOLVERINE: Sex and violence, without the sex." -- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes ---- "...everyone else just throws a tantrum when their articles aren't replied to. You have to bring up artistic integrity." [Moi] ---- "And so the obvious phallic symbolism of Wolverine's claws provides a counterpoint to the Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor." -- Carl Rigney ---- "Who are...oh, waitaminnit! I recognize you. You used to be on MR. ED, right? You were the sticky, peanut-butter-like substance that they'd put inside Ed's lower lip to make him move his mouth and then it would look like he's talking." -- Blair Houghton ---- Selections from TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF DISNEY WORLD: 10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother strapped to your fender 9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat 7. Taunting the guy in Pluto costume for not being able to get a better job 6. Declaring loudly, "I DO believe in Tinkerbell" in the men's room 5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker 2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "I just can't take the chance that you might shoot Dana Carvey." "Alright, what about members of the audience?" "Lemme see what it says on the back of the ticket.... Do what you have to do." [Lorne Michaels on a SNL skit] ---- "I'm sure it'll be a real magnet for scholars in the future: The Reagan Library. I see a split-level stucco warehouse with rows of Reader's Digest condensed books and a magnifying glass beside every chair." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "If you want more information, write to the Smoking and Drinking Council in your state for our pamphlet, 'Smoking and Drinking: Not half as bad as hard drugs!'" [ALMOST LIVE] ---- "You've seen 'em on beer commercials, you've seen 'em at football games... say hello to the happiest guys around: HI-FIVE'N WHITE GUYS!" "They're young, from wealthy families! They're financially secure! In a few years they'll be running business and the government!" [ALMOST LIVE] ---- "That's why I have a few modest suggestions to solve the art problem... The federal appointment of an Arts Czar. I recommend somebody who doesn't know anything about art, in much the same way William Bennett, our Drugs Czar, doesn't know anything about drugs, law enforcement, or education. Folks, I volunteer." -- Ian Shoales ---- "I don't care if it offends fundamentalists, Moslems, or televangelists, or even my Mom. I only care if it offends me personally. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I'M OFFENDED EVERY DAY. Have I ever cut off the funding of things I'm offended by? Follow the bouncing syntax -- the answer is 'no'. So what if kids see the private parts of men in three-piece suits? What if our little ones, our nation's precious resource, should happen upon a display of 'homoeroticism'? Well gosh, folks, we take our kids to the zoo all the time. When they see a baboon in heat, do we write a letter to our representatives telling them non-profit funds are being used to fund bestiality? No. We chalk the whole thing up to biology and move the kids on to the petting zoo." -- Ian Shoales ---- "YOU OPEN THAT DOOR!" "Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look??" [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "I'd like to get some expert opinion in here, someone familiar with vermin behaviour." Lee Atwater is summoned. "A rat? Nooo problemo! Let me talk to that ol' boy." "Great! I'll play good cop!" [DOONESBURY] ---- ASK DR. SCIENCE: "Dear Dr. Science: Where are worms going when they crawl across a highway on a rainy night?" "Put yourself in the worm's place. So far your life has been one of continuous crawling, eating dirt, and being covered with slime. You're not much to look at, even if you had a way of seeing yourself. The only thing you look forward to is sex, and that's with other worms. Then, on top of it all, it rains. So the worms you see are not crossing the road. They're waiting. For your car. "As a child, you knew instinctively, stomping a worm on the sidewalk is exactly what it wants. The next time it rains, get in your car and drive as much as possible. You'll be doing a lot of worms a favor, pushing them into the next stage of reincarnation, so they can be reborn as a Yorkshire Terrier, or a lawyer." ---- "Aha! I see the problem -- a disgruntled homosexual on the gun deck. Case closed!" [Editorial Cartoon by Oliphant] ---- "You want honest? Honest is: it sucks. But you sleep with both eyes closed." [Frank McPike of WISEGUY, commenting on a desk job] ---- "Now that you're here, James, I hope we can look forward to some gratuitous sex and violence." [Algenon, from NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN] ---- "Whack! Huroo! Now dance to your partner! Welt the floor, your trotters shake; Isn't it the truth I've told ye? Lots of fun at Finnegan's wake." [Finnegan's Wake, from SKREEMER] ---- "The meaning of this outrage is perfectly clear -- we're glad you're back and we're drinking your beer." [Mezz, from NEXUS] ---- "It appears, Captain, that you have irritated the head of a people widely regarded as fanatics." "Call it a knack." [All in a day for Kirk and Spock, from the STAR TREK comic...] ---- "Then why didn't I die when he told me to?" "Well, Hell... you never take *my* advice. Why should you listen to his?" [Kirk and McCoy from DC's STAR TREK] ---- "Ten MILLION?! *I'd* shoot me for ten million." [Kirk comments on a price on his head, from DC's STAR TREK] ---- TEN COMMANDMENTS, or Rules and Conditions: 1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not make unto thee graven images, to bow down thyself before them; save and except they be of an Eagle, or a flag, or something similarly patriotic. 2. Though shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; but he shall be held guiltless who taketh it to put it upon his currency, and likewise he who sweareth falsely by it in matters of National Security. 3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it wholly miserable for thyself and thy neighbors. 4. Honor thy father and thy mother; but Medicare is going too far. 5. Thou shalt not kill the innocent babe in the womb. After it's born -- open season. 6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, women especially. 7. Thou shalt steal. 8. Thou shalt declare for business against big labor. 9. Thou shalt not call up thy neighbor's wife. 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; but thou shalt work thy buns off, or better yet cause others to work their buns off for thy sake, and thereby acquire a house as thy neighbor shall covet of thee. -- NOT THE BIBLE, Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly ---- NOT THE BIBLE, Chapter 1, Verse 23: "And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and God said, It JUST goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken BILLIONS OF YEARS." -- Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly ---- "When the Atomic Energy Commission initiated what was in effect a public trial of J. Robert Oppenheimer, and revoked his security clearance, [Mort] Sahl imagined a scene in which the AEC confronted Oppenheimer like a sheriff with a recalcitrant deputy: 'Okay, Doctor -- turn in your brain.'" -- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR ---- "Hollywood, handmaiden of national security, made a film of [Werner Von Braun's] life called I AIM FOR THE STARS. Mort Sahl amended the title with the words: '...But Sometimes I Hit London.'" -- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR ---- "Satire is inherently unfair, and although it may be unfair to any form of authority, or any form of hypocrisy, there is no such-thing as an even-handed joke. Satirizing a military cretin or corporate banditry doesn't make you a liberal any more than satirizing some self-important wishy-washy makes you a neofascist. Of course, it is perfectly possible for an ideology to get laughs at the expense of an opponent -- but this is ridicule, a potent weapon of humor, and not satire. A satirist who espouses one ideology over another is saying in effect that he is superior -- and that makes him satirizable. The satirist believes only that there is no such thing as being half-pregnant or half-nuked. From the standpoint of authority, satire is the most inimical form of free speech there is." -- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR ---- "Satire, for example, is defined as intellectual judo, in which the writer or performer takes on the ideas and character of his target and then takes both to absurd lengths to destroy them. This is the most mischievous of all forms of humor, the most radical use of irony. (It is also the most easily misunderstood, since taking on the character of one's target -- a bigot, say -- can lead the uninitiated into thinking that you actually share the target's ideas. Saying the word 'nigger' in character can get bricks thrown at your head -- and not by bigots.) Satire is not a gentle process, and the more sacred the belief or person whose mantle it assumes, the more effective it is." -- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR ---- "Parody is a far gentler version of the same process [as satire], by which the target's style is assumed and slightly exaggerated. The intention here is of paramount importance, since it is usually playful, mocking rather than destructive, and relying as much on recognition alone, as recognition and disapproval." -- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR ---- "Well hello there, Norbert, you dirty rotten thieving bald stupid mango-head!" [THE EYE OF MONGOMBO] ---- "Safety is a relative concept, Mr. Constantine. It needs risk to define it." [HELLBLAZER] ---- "And I hear Geraldo Rivera is shooting a TV special in San Francisco this week... My *God*, haven't these people suffered enough?!" -- Jay Leno ---- "This is *not* Mel Torme!" [From TOP SECRET] ---- "Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it." -- Alice Walker ---- "You know how stupid this thing is when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason." [CHEERS] ---- "Vice-President Quayle, of course, was on the spot the very next day to inspect the damage; smiling, shaking hands, and reassuring people that it wasn't his fault." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "You know, there have been an incredible number of natural disasters this year, but when you put it into the Big Picture, I don't think it's the end of the world... because the Cubs didn't win the Pennant." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "Nancy Reagan's new book, MY TURN, is out this week. It was announced today that former President Reagan's autobiography will be out next spring; it's entitled HER TURN." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update ---- "Heh... you'd have to buy a Ram van for that!" "CHECK'S IN THE MAIL!!" [The Harvey Firestein sketch on SNL] ---- "It said, `I am the only true flag; all other flags are false ones.'" [The Flag sketch on SNL] ---- "Art Squad, starring Senator Jesse Helms, will not be seen tonight..." [SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE] ---- "And now: Jazz Masterpiece... or Discordant Crap?" [ALMOST LIVE] ---- "I just love songs about extra-terrestrial beings, don't you?" "Not when they're *sung* by extra-terrestrials." [HANNAH AND HER SISTERS] ---- "So you're saying a man can only have a non-sexual relationship with an unattractive woman." "No, you pretty much want to nail them too." [WHEN HARRY MET SALLY] ---- "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical, aquatic ceremony!... I mean, if I went 'round saying I was Emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!" [MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL] ---- "Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none." -- Jules Renard ---- "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli." [THE GODFATHER] ---- "I'm gonna tell you somethin': BONANZA is not an accurate depiction of the West." [TIN MEN] ---- "New Orleans is a marvelous environment for coincidence." [THE BIG EASY] ---- "Tobacco is the only drug in America that will kill you if it's taken as directed." -- Dr. C. Everett Koop ---- "Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." -- David Moulton ---- "I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats." -- Graham Chapman ---- "There is only one group which would ever call for the banning of 'The Diary of Anne Frank', and I don't care what they happen to be calling themselves these days." -- Alan Moore ---- "I'm sorry, I thought you were alone." "I tried it that way. It wasn't as much fun." [THE CHEAP DETECTIVE] ---- "RCA: We're not Japanese. Are we?" [SNL] ---- "Now, only the lowest form of scum would burn the American flag; but in America, there's no law against being the lowest form of scum.... You know, it's bad enough that there's a federal law against burning money; and the poorest people get around that by putting it in Savings & Loans. But *one* guy burned a flag four years ago, and the President wants to amend the Constitution over it. Now I know, a lot of people have died for the flag; but a lot of people have died for a lot of different flags, and I bet you some of them wish they hadn't." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "Now I'll tell you this, my friends, it wasn't the originality of our founding flag designers that inspired those students to stand up to the tanks in Tiananmen Square; no, it was the Bill of Rights: a masterpiece of the most brilliant minds of the Age of Enlightenment; a beacon of freedom to all the world. The flag: it isn't even Betsy Ross' best work...." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "Now, it's easy to get a symbol mixed up with what it stands for; I know, because when I was a teenager I used to sleep with a PLAYBOY centerfold. It was a picture, but to me it was a symbol of sex. In the same way, a photo opportunity at a flag factory is a symbol of freedom. In other words, they're both just jerkin' off. -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "And you know, putting an image before reality is the definition of idolatry -- and I'm not necessarily calling the President a pagan. But a country that loves freedom enough to let its flag be burned for the sake of it is just following the example of a God who loves His people so much, He'd let them kill His son." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "Due to the meager earnings of the last James Bond film, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, series producer Cubby Broccoli announced this week that Timothy Dalton will be let go and replaced by the camel from Camel Filters cigarette ads." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update ---- "Hurricane Hugo doing that damage down there, going 'round and 'round, doing that hurricane thing down there... lotta damage... natural disaster, *not* *my* *fault*..." [Dana Carvey as George Bush on SNL] ---- "An update on the Marcos story, as President Aquino reiterated her refusal to allow Marcos to be buried in Manila, an offer has come from the United States: the Giant's stadium in Meadowlands, New Jersey, says they have plenty of time in their end zone, and that Marcos would be in good company." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update ---- "You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle." "THAT'S WHY I LIVE *HERE*, YOU DOLT!" ---- "Boy, when we're on the cover of "Popular Mechanics," I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement." ---- "Boy, she fell for *that* one." "I'll say! I wonder if we could get any Batman junk this way." [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "thirtysomething cereal. By the makers of Teenage Mutant Ninja Tertles." [Saturday Night Live commercial] ---- "Time to go fight the savage hordes." "AGAIN? Boy... that's all we ever do: one savage horde after another!" [JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL] ---- "Too much leeway in the marketing department." [ALMOST LIVE, local Seattle humor program] ---- "NEVER trust in the kindness of the human race." [ALIEN NATION (the tv series)] ---- "That's not God! That's Lord Fortnum, the well- known bed-sitting room!" [God only know -- someplace on the net. Hits my buttons, though...] ---- 1. Cthulhu is my swimming coach; I shall not want. 2. He maketh me to lie down in comfortable craftmatic beds; he leadeth me beside the open bar; he restoreth my soul. 3. Yea, though I skulk through the valley of greatly disgruntled employers, I will fear no evil. For thou, O Cthulhu, art with me, thy snorkel and flippers they comfort me. 4. Thou preparest a stiff drink for me in the presence of my enemies; thou anointest my gills with Coppertone; my Flintstones jelly glass runneth over. 5. Surely expensive European vacations, marital bliss, and winning Lotto tickets will follow me the rest of my life; and I shall dwell in the pressurized underwater dome of Cthulhu forever. [from rec.humor.funny] ---- "Our judgements judge us, and nothing reveals us, exposes our weaknesses, more ingeniously than the attitude of pronouncing upon our fellows." -- Paul Valery ---- "Science is going at a rapid pace. Now it's only a hundred years behind the comics strip." -- Joey Adams ---- "Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none. For we grieve only for what has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen." -- Pliny the Younger ---- "Humor is the affectionate communication of insight." -- Leo Rosten ---- "A man's mind stretched by a new idea can never go back to its original dimensions." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. ---- "You can't take sides when you know the earth is round." -- Patricia Sun ---- "Many a time I have wanted to stop talking and find out what I really believed." -- Walter Lippmann ---- "If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." -- Tallulah Bankhead ---- "Please note, however, that thanks to the vigilant efforts of the National Rifle Association, you retain your constitutional right to shoot the flag." -- Dave Barry ---- KHOMEINI HOOKED ON "HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL" -- Weekly World News ---- "Kid, we're in the movie business here. If you want to send a message, call Western Union." -- Louis B. Mayer ---- You're listening to WKDU. No one else is, but you are. [radio ad] ---- This is KFJC and you are listening to our hour-long music-free commercial sweep. [radio ad] ---- WQHS. 73 on your AM dial. Or, if you have an expensive radio, 730. [radio ad] ---- This has been [...] at KFJC reminding you that animals are your friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport. [radio ad] ---- WKDU: Broadcasting with TEN MILLION microwatts of POWER! [radio ad] ---- Selections from TOP 10 IRANIAN T-SHIRT SLOGANS: 10. IRAQ Busters 8. Mom and Dad blew up a bus load of tourists and all I got was this lousy T-shirt 7. Death to all Americans except Motley Crue 3. You don't have to be crazy to set yourself on fire and run into an enemy tank ... but it sure helps -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him." -- Russell Baker ---- "Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than World War II. "Oh, *great*... more Time-Life books." -- Jay Leno ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "RED SCORPION (SGE). Hardcore action fans have had a rough time since Eastwood started direction 'serious' films and Schwarzenegger went into froo-froo comedies. Enter muscle-bound, inarticulate Dolph Lundgred -- you want shit-for-brains, you got 'em." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE LAND BEFORE TIME (MCA). Warm, cuddly, softly drawn dinosaurs romp through Steven Spielburg's prehistoric fantasy. Don't you wish we could revive Reptilicus or Varan the Unbelievable? They'd kick some ass, you betcha!" ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "THE PHANTOM EMPIRE (Prism). A group of oversexed, acquisitive losers journey underground in search of mineral wealth, only to encounter some poorly paid extras in gelastic, ludicrous Morlock masks, a few topless cavegirls, and a really pissed off Sybil Danning in Fred Olen Ray's marvelous remake of the old Gene Autry serial." ---- MONDAY: Donahue: Top Men Who Can't Stand It and Quit Oprah Winfrey: A Former Lover of Mine (In Person, Along with His Wife and Three Kids) Geraldo: The Fattest People You Ever Laid Eyes On Darin: Cross-Dressing at The Washington Post Sally Jessy Raphael: Kids From Nice Homes Who Eat Dirt Morton Downey, Jr.: Please Don't Watch This Show if You Weep at the Sight of Cruelty! Chuck: Parents from District 18 Discuss Bus Transportation. -- Garrison Keillor, "The Chuck Show" ---- "Gentlemen, I think it's time we settled this our way -- the American way. With Israeli- manufactured weapons." [American more ala DINOSAURS FOR HIRE] ---- Selections from THE POPE'S TOP TEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT HIS US TOUR: 10. Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee Iacocca 9. Not sure how people go the impression he came over to fight Mike Tyson 8. Disappointed to find out there is no real Ponderosa 6. 7 bucks? For a movie? 4. Hitchhikers keep switching radio stations on Popemobile radio -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK: What They Say: "We've noticed some failure evidence" What They Mean: "Something's burning..." [Off of rec.humor.funny] ---- THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK: What They Say: "So we've eliminated XXX." What They Mean: "It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get at." [Off of rec.humor.funny] ---- THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK: What They Say: "That's interesting." What They Mean: "Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that before." [Off of rec.humor.funny] ---- DAN QUAYLE on MARS: "We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ["Looks like he's no Lyndon Johnson, either." -- Geoff Kleckner] ---- Selections from TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF ELVIS' GHOST: 7. 7-Elevens in netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings 6. That pansy Casper 3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a "Ghostbuster" 1. Trying to get Ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN FEATURES OF THE NEW STEALTH BOMBER: 10. Has 2-inch ball hitch so it can pull the stealth trailer 6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down 5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone 4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove 3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a continent 1. Kids fly free! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN WAYS CARS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF RALPH NADER HAD NEVER BEEN BORN: 10. Dashboard hibachis 9. Seat belts made of piano wire 7. Strobe headlights make oncoming traffic look like old time movie 1. Speedometer replaced with electronic voice chanting, "Punch it! Punch it!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from THE AYATOLLAH'S TOP TEN REASONS TO LIVE (5/25/89): 10. Chance to watch Ayatollah, Jr. pitch for little league team 8. Ed McMahon told him he might already be a winner! 7. Just got HBO 4. Ruthless and insane successor may not be ruthless and insane enough -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT BUSH'S 65TH BIRTHDAY PARTY (6/13/89): 9. "More malt liquor, Mrs. Bush?" 7. "They could use more hors d'oeuvres on the far side of the room, Mr. Dukakis." 5. "Just what I wanted, another Batman T-shirt." 2. "This gift has a special meaning to me, Mr. Quayle, because you colored it yourself." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE NEW AYATOLLAH: 10. Digs surfing, skiing, and long walks on the beach 9. Became Ayatollah by being the 100th caller to Radio Teheran's Morning Zoo 7. Loves "The Satanic Verses" 5. Was the baby on the Ivory Snow box in the early 50's -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from DAN QUAYLE'S TOP TEN NATIONAL GUARD DUTIES: 8. Enforce the no-horseplay rule at public pools 5. Make cool explosion sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades 4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside campsites 1. The round-the-clock Blob watch -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES (12/19/88): 8. "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi." 6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys." 4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 WAYS DAN RATHER COULD CONCLUDE THE CBS EVENING NEWS: 10. Put finger in mouth, make "cork popping" sound 7. Reveal which news story of the evening was the fake one 6. Lick lips and say, "MMM-MMM! Time for pie!" 5. Give coded message to L'il Newshounds fan club 2. Light big cigar and say, "Ha Ha! See you tomorrow suckers!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from GORBACHEV'S TOP TEN HAPPIEST MEMORIES OF AMERICA: 10. Stocking up on toilet paper 9. Solving Wheel of Fortune puzzle before contestants 8. Crashing limo into the Fotomat and claiming diplomatic immunity 1. The spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with Chuck Connors -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 BROADCAST BOOTH COMMENTS DURING TONIGHT'S BALL GAME: 10. No lead is safe in this park 9. These teams came to play 8. He does a lot of things that don't show up in the box score 5. Mighty nice of Herve to drop by the booth 3. I hear Jim Rice killed a drifter the other day 1. Answer to tonight's scoreboard stumper: "$200 was the most Babe Ruth ever paid for a hooker" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN THINGS THE AMERICANS AND SOVIETS HAVE IN COMMON: 8. Think the French are weenies 6. Have to search and search to find David Soul albums 5. Still think Claus Von Bulow is probably guilty -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS REJECTED BY NBC IN FAVOR OF "Come Home To NBC": 8. Look, there's nothing we can do about Gene Shalit 6. We're Beatrice 5. No more Robert Blake, we promise 4. The rich meaty taste dogs love 2. Roger Mudd: You want him, We got him -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from NBC EMPLOYEES TOP TEN FEARS ABOUT ROBERT C. WRIGHT: 8. Might wear a lot of Old Spice 7. Will forbid feeding of Willard by tour groups 6. His creepy G.E. pals will drop by at all hours 2. Will tell endless boring anecdotes about his 6 months at cable outfit -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selection from TOP TEN RUMOURS ABOUT LIBYA SPREAD BY THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION: 9. They emptied Al Capone's vault before Geraldo Rivera got there 8. Albums sold on Libyan TV NOT recorded by original artists 6. Don't use real butter on their movie theater popcorn 1. Their professional wrestling is fixed -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "They may make Kryptonite peanut butter, but *I* wouldn't eat it..." -- Peter David ---- "Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh -- which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent -- I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT." [Radio ad] ---- "Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine." -- Newsweek, 31-Jul-89 ---- "Oh, there's a big difference, Mrs. DeMarco. The Mob is run by murdering, thieving, lying, cheating psychopaths. We work for The President of the United States of America." [The best moment from MARRIED TO THE MOB] ---- "This stuff is thicker than country music!" [From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE] ---- Selection from TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GETTING THE METS OUT OF LAST PLACE: 8. Have Mookie channel anger against parents who named him against opposing pitcher 7. Have organist play something besides "I'm A Loser" 5. Wear spooky mirrored contact lenses to give opposing team the creeps -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF NEW YORK CITY COPS: 10. Police band radio too much talk and not enough rock 9. Shoulder holster only holds three donuts 7. Jackie Onassis always kicks out windows in back of cruiser 5. Not allowed to sell Amway products on duty 1. Commissioner too quick to call in Batman -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN PROBLEMS OF MARINES STATIONED IN MOSCOW: 7. Latest Navy codes now only get you to "second base" 6. KGB guys always change subject when we bring up 1980 "Miracle on Ice" 5. Came over here to get *away* from Donahue 2. That bonehead Pyle is always annoying Sgt. Carter -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP 10 LESSONS OF WOODSTOCK: 10. Not everybody looks good naked 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved." -- Sigmund Freud ---- "From the true antagonist, illimitable courage is transmitted to you." -- Franz Kafka ---- "God give me strength to face a fact though it slay me." -- Thomas H. Huxley ---- "I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education." -- Wilson Mizner ---- "I occasionally play works by contemporary composers and for two reasons. First, to discourage the composer from writing any more and secondly, to remind myself how much I appreciate Beethoven." -- Jascha Heifetz ---- "Be happy. It is a way of being wise." -- Colette ---- "Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box." -- Italian proverb ---- "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." -- Blaise Pascal ---- "Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel." -- John Churton Collins ---- "Some drugs have appropriately been called `wonder drugs', inasmuch as one wonders what they will do next." -- Samuel E. Stumpf ---- "Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people." -- James Russell Lowell ---- "Education never ends... It is a series of lessons with the greatest for the last." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ---- "Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages." -- Turkish proverb ---- "In making theories, always keep a window open so that you can throw one out if necessary." -- Bela Schick ---- "What we desire our children to become, we must endeavour to be before them." -- Andrew Combe ---- "I don't know, Les... what do women want?" ".....Tupperware." [Johnny Fever gains truth from Les Nesman on WKRP] ---- TOP TEN DEMANDS OF STRIKING TELEPHONE WORKERS: #3: Authorization to say "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of krud." -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "Whither thou goest, there thou shalt be." --- BUCKAROO, PRINCE OF SCIENCE by William Shakespeare [From a man I am proud to call... for a loan. Jerry Boyajian] ---- TOP 10 CARTOON SHOWS IN IRAN: 10. Ayatollah Turtle 9. Scooby Abu Nidal 8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace 7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs 6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog 5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt 4. Carlos the Jackal 3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor 2. The Moose in the Burnoose 1. Really Looney Tunes -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "He sez that only comic books offer the mature environment he needs as a literate cartoon actor..." "Notice, Opus, that EVERY woman in these things looks like Dolly Parton in zero gravity!" [BLOOM COUNTY: The Final Days] ---- "Once we find her, I'll smuggle her into the embassy in a vegetable cart. From there, I'll wire her up in the undercarriage of a stretch limo and drive her to the airport at night. I'll gun it through the security gate, toss a few smoke grenades into the customs shed, ram the tarmac barrier, cut Honey loose, run for the Premier's personal twin engine turbojet and make our escape!" "Pretty slick. But what if something goes wrong?" "No way. I've done this kind of thing a thousand times!" [Duke plots in DOONESBURY] ---- "Rumors abounded." "Chairman Mao's *alive*! He was seen in a supermarket!" [DOONESBURY] ---- "This clean, wholesome television! Ughh, it makes me sick." -- Calvin [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "Speaking of experiments, do you know where I'm living now?" "By the look of things, I'd say 'The Family Circus'." "Court order. They're bussing me in." [BLOOM COUNTY: The Final Days] ---- "What evil bonehead dork is behind this?!" [BLOOM COUNTY] ---- "If it isn't the famous Bat-Bat!" "Yes, and if isn't the famous Cow!" "I see you've brought the famous Bug Wonder with you!" "And I see you've brought the famous Merv Griffin!" [High-falutin' dialogue from the Bat-Bat episode of MIGHTY MOUSE.] ---- "Nay, if we talk of reason Let's shut our gates and sleep. Manhood and honor Should have hare hearts, would they but fat their thoughts With this cramm'd reason; reason and respect Make livers pale and lustihood deject." [Shakespeare (really stands out from the rest of this, doesn't it?)] ---- THE MIT LAW OF SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT ENVELOPMENT: "Every program expands until it can read mail." [Someone on the net...] ---- "Don't they have a rule about letting fags in the cafeteria?" "Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes." -- HEATHERS ---- "Slip in his window Break his neck Got no reason What the heck? Cill my landlord Cill my landlord" [The famous old Eddie Murphy SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE sketch..] ---- "In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about." -- Hobbes [CALVIN AND HOBBES] ---- "AAAH, YOU'RE A HIPPIE!" [The Maggie and Hopey reunion, from LOVE & ROCKETS.] ---- "You can't possibly see through my disguise, Billy! This is a HYPNOTIC tie!!" [THE TICK explains his amazing secret identity aid.] ---- "Kissing a smoker is like licking Darren McGavin." [Framed Tough Newsman Sampler in THE TICK.] ---- "God, this is going to bring Wall Street to its knees." "You say that as if it were a bad thing." [From the first issue of PREDATOR.] ---- "YOU heard him! 'E called Jean Paul Sartre a TOSSER!" "That was just the lager talkin'." [A Bojeffries Saga story in A1] ---- "The price of liberty is eternal videotaping." [From a Mr. X story in A1] ---- "Won't it be exciting to see Mr. Reagan back up on the screen, B.D.?" "Yeah, I guess... But it's hard to think of what roles he could play. He's a long way past playing cowboys and pilots. His image has changed. When people think of him now, they think of an old guy in pajamas." "That's it! 'STAR TREK'!" "There you go." [DOONESBURY] ---- "Well? Did you glimpse the afterlife?! What's in store for all of us?!" "Bikinis... babes... full-body massages... Joe Clark with a bat... On the whole, a mixed blessing." [Theology and after-life experiences in BLOOM COUNTY.] ---- "I wish they'd stick Oliver North in the same jail cell with `The Godfather of Soul', James Brown. It has its own peculiar appeal, doesn't it?" [Opus thinks like I do. From BLOOM COUNTY.] ---- "Andy, I'm going to tell you something about myself. Very few people know it, and frankly, I'd rather it stayed that way..." "I *knew* it! You're gay!" "No, I make housecalls." [From DOONESBURY.] ---- "He said I was a rare spirit, a man who had put back in the world tenfold what he had been given. He said I had truly made a difference!" "Wake up, dear. You're a lawyer." [If there is anything funnier and warmer than DOONESBURY, I'd like to know what it is.] ---- "It's your choice, Whyte. You can either die like an animal. Or you can die like an animal." [Another pithy remark from SKREEMER.] ---- "Abandon All Dope, Ye Who Enter Here." [A quick Phil Foglio gag from XXXENOPHOBIA.] ---- "I've been working on the assumption that Jenny's Earth is an imperfect replica of our own." "I believe that." [That human delight in comix form: ZOT!] ---- Little Bruce Wayne's bib: "My parents got murdered and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" [Paraphrased from a visual joke in Mark Martin's GNATRAT: THE MOVIE.] ---- "But if this is some Ninja trick, I will feast on your steaming entrails!" "Oooo. *Nice* image. You must save on your grocery bill." [It's... Paul the Samurai! From THE TICK.] ---- "Persistent, aren't they? The Nazis were persistent, too." "Yeah? And how did you beat the Nazis?" "Well, actually, through Divine Intervention." [A man believing himself to be Indiana Jones, riding through San Francisco on horseback, chased by vampires with net personality names. From WOLVERINE.] ---- "Oh, Flaming Carrot! Some of the Trekkies have been arguing with the Dr. Who people!" [FLAMING CARROT, the hero of the day!] ---- "It's Earth's first contact with these aliens... and all Flaming Carrot can come up with is to annihilate, incinerate and destroy them?!!" "Hey... I'm no Jack Kennedy!" [Well, who else? FLAMING CARROT! (Not Dan Quayle...)] ---- "Only the image ever changes. These vessels are fragile, translucent, and weak." [Assante's final words from the Church arc in GRENDEL.] ---- "It was that night that I decided they were fools. And that which is foolish quickly becomes dangerous." [Assante, the tortured leader and Grendel host, from GRENDEL] ---- "You'll never stop the fever." "STOP it?! Holy Warrior, I am its very case study!" [A vampire addresses the latest incarnation of GRENDEL] ---- "We have a crisis of our own here. All the knights were sent on a stupid miserable quest by a king who..." "MERLIN! WHERE IS MY DAMNED NECROMANCER...?" "...you are about to meet." [Those little Arthurian quibbles, from SWAMP THING] ---- "Inspiration. Berkeley had it. Found a Master, got a degree, and rose from the dead -- all in the same year." [An several thousand year-old Berkeley grad & vampire -- from GRENDEL] ---- "The getting of wisdom is never a pretty sight." [From THE WONDER YEARS] ---- Selections from BATMAN'S TOP 10 PEEVES: 10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody he's NOT a professional wrestler. 8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the Batmobile. 7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile. 6. Really stupid people who shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?" 2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night. -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "Oh, my sainted aunt, have I become a victim of brain fever, the curse of academia?" [The Scarecrow laments the departure of THE SANDMAN.] ---- "A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves." -- Bertrand de Jouvenel ---- "You a queer?" "I'm gay, yes." "You a lefty?" "Yes." "Do you believe in justice?" "I don't believe it's a natural law, like gravity. I think you have to fight for it." "Fair enough." [Some understanding from two very different characters in HELLBLAZER.] ---- "When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple... or at least a moderately well-managed Presbyterian youth center." -- Emo Phillips ---- MORTON DOWNEY JR. and GERALDO: One down, one to go. [Moi] ---- "I can come in like Ozzie, or I can come in like Harriet, but I can't come in like Ozzie *and* Harriet." [From SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS] ---- "You meet the damnedest people in Hell." -- Roger Zelazny ---- "Well, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to the point of it." -- Woody Allen ---- "Philip Agee, former CIA agent turned intelligence community watchdog and whistle-blower, spoke in April at Reed College in Portland. He quoted Manuel Noriega: `I've got George Bush by the balls,' and noted that the quote was `one of those rare statements that contains *two* revelations.'" -- Jan Steinman ---- "The limits of my language mean the limits of my world." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein ---- "Love... is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real." -- Iris Murdoch ---- "The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own." -- Benjamin Disraeli ---- "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." -- Abraham Maslow ---- "I'd rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're first to be rescued off sinking ships." -- Gilda Radner ---- "Devils can be driven out of the heart by the touch of a hand on a hand, or a mouth on a mouth." -- Tennessee Williams ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "DEEP COVER (Prism). Tom Conte, Denholm Elliot and Donald Pleasance excel in this story of retribution and betrayal among the British upper classes. The plot is heady and demanding, but there's lots of nudity, so dumb people won't get bored." ---- "I don't need a warrant, you yahoo." -- Frank McPike, O.C.B. ---- BEST LINES FROM STAR TREK V: "Surprise, those aren't Dillithium crystals - they're Folgers crystals!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "I've already died once... it was liberating." [BATMAN] ---- "Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me today..." [BATMAN] ---- "And what's with that stupid grin?" "Life's been good to me." [BATMAN] ---- "I think movies about Jesus are boring no matter who he sleeps with." -- Teller, of Penn & Teller ---- IF ELVIS HAD LIVED, #17: "Thank you ma'am . . . I'm Batman. Please accept the keys to this fine Cadillac limousine." -- Lazlo Nibble ---- "Over LAND, over SEA... We will fight for DOE-RE-MI... For we're BLACK AND BLUE HAWKS..." "Sweet Adaline, My Adaline..." "HEY! Who's singing the wrong song over the intercom?" [From the BLACKHAWKS satire in the original MAD magazine.] ---- "...'course, simple folk like us don't know much 'bout politics either, but 'pears to me that if the currency values in the world monetary fund were deflated to meet spiraling revenues, economic collapse could be averted for the furshlugginer fiscal year..." -- Little Orphan Melvin ---- "Uh-oh! He's a-puttin' on his guns.. a-puttin' on his hat... an' a-puttin' on his Old Spice cologne with the he-man aroma!" [From the HIGH NOON take-off in the original MAD Magazine] ---- "Yeah! We drop everything for a great ol' bloody battle! Oh drat the day I started working for comic books!" [From the G.I. JOE take-off in the original MAD Magazine] ---- "Your son at five is your master, at ten your slave, at fifteen your double, and after that, your friend or your foe, depending on his bringing up." -- Hasdai Ibn Shaprut ---- "Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always." -- Albert Schweitzer ---- "If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet." -- Isaac Bashevis Singer ---- "Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images." -- Jean Cocteau ---- "Trouble is like a sieve through which we sift our acquaintances. Those too big to pass through are our friends." -- Arlene Francis ---- "Welcome each rebuff that turns earth rough, Each sting that bids not sit nor stand but go!" -- Robert Browning ---- "Marriage is part of a sort of '50s revival package that's back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition." -- Calvin Trillin ---- "We do not remember days, we remember moments." -- Cesare Pavese ---- "Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." -- Anais Nin ---- "Russ [Meyer] is a man who believes in 'spirited, horizontal togetherness.' He tends to smile a lot. Can you blame him?" -- Prof. Fred Hopkins ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "MADAME SOUSTZKA (MCA). I saw Shirley MacLaine at a convention, and she still has million dollar legs. However, as a general rule, I don't attend movies about 'flamboyant piano teachers'." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "I'M GONNA GET YOU SUCKA! (MGM). Keenan Ivory Wayan's jocular send-up of black exploitation films is a machine gun round of wonderfully crude and offensive B-movie in-jokes. Gary Owens hosts a 'Pimp of the Year' contest and an irritated Jim Brown asks Isaac Hayes: `You're not gonna sing, are you?'" ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "SWIMWEAR ILLUSTRATED -- ON LOCATION (Vestron). No. Trust me. You're not this desperate." ---- MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins: "CRIME ZONE (MGM). A cut-rate Tom Cruise and a pouty blonde with a Melanie Griffith haircut become laser-gun Bonnie-and-Clydes in order to escape their futuristic totalitarian society. Roger Corman's microware version of 1984 (shot on the cheap in Peru) is charming, in a 99-cent Quarter Pounder kind of way." ---- "Looks like Star Trek V is going stir up memories of what we used to watch the original Star Trek for back in the '60s . . . sight gags, slapstick, and wacky stunts!" -- Lazlo Nibble ---- "Boy, that William Shatner sure can direct, can't he?" -- Lazlo Nibble ---- "I know this starship like the back of my hand......*THUD*" "AIEEEE!!! AIEEEEEE!! THIS IS THE FACE OF HELLLLLLLLL!!" -- Lazlo Nibble ---- "But she could not prevent other people from suffering for her principles. That seems to be what principles are for, somehow..." -- Peter Death Bredon Wimsey ---- "Gimme a Cold Filtered Big Joe Coors Dark Dry Lite Extra-Hearty Draft Lager With The Imported Austrailian Taste In The Barrel-Shaped Twist-Off Bottle and a mango, please. Oh, and one of those specially-emblemed, frosted 24-ounce glasses." "We're outta 'em." "Oh. Gimme a can of Bud Lite, then." -- Ron D. Harvey ---- "It's hard to be the Diva..." [From STARMITES] ---- "I must say, Jack, death definitely suits you. Losing your soul was a most aesthetic touch." [Decko discussing 9-Jack-9's recent demise with him, in ZOT!] ---- "Disturbing news about the afterlife: 'Bring marshmallows'" -- Mister Boffo ---- "Seventeen arrests, seventeen convictions.... maybe it is me." -- Mister Boffo ---- "Wouldn't it be nice if we could cut through all this red tape and just beat it out of you?" -- IRS auditor in Mister Boffo ---- "We're in big trouble!" "Think positive, Helpermier!" "*You're* in big trouble." -- Mister Boffo ---- "Oh no. Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a planet far beyond our solar system to devour us. Gaze and tremble, mortals. None can escape the wrath of Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom." -- Cowboy Wally ---- "For a dormant personality, he's got a remarkably active social life." [Comment about THE BADGER] ---- "Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man can save the day!...Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!" -- Calvin and Hobbes ---- "Kendall couldn't have looked guiltier if he'd confessed at the end of a Perry Mason episode." -- Weng Chan ---- "This country may no longer be capable of manufacturing anything more technologically sophisticated than breakfast cereal, but by God when it comes to advertising, we are still -- and I mean this sincerely -- No. 1." -- Dave Barry ---- "We males cannot really know the misery of female birth control, just as we cannot know the pain of childbirth (a fact for which I get down on my knees and give thanks at every opportunity)." -- Dave Barry ---- "Imagine if, say, Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-Planet Klingon) got up on the podium, and the band broke into 'My Baby Does the Hanky Panky.' Wouldn't that be great? Or, to introduce the vice presidential nominee, they could play 'Take This Job and Shove It.'" -- Dave Barry ---- "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets...." -- Living Steel ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- April 24th "California is gripped by panic because of a video about the uncannily accurate prophecies of the 16-Century soothsayer Nostradamus, who predicted that in May of 1988, the West Coast would be rocked by 'an outbreak of cretinism.'" ---- "Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies." -- Bill Bulko ---- "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." -- Chris Jarocha-Ernst ---- Knicks Asst. Coach Ralph Willard on how to stop Michael Jordon: "I am just going to tell them to get some kryptonite." ---- "Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards came along in the mid-1980s, meaning there was about a 25-year gap when it was difficult to put your foot in your mouth and have people all across the country know about it." -- Mark Leeper ---- "The public seems incapable of distinguishing between your garden variety idiot and your genuine lunatic. It is the same confusion the public has had over the last five Presidents." -- Mark Leeper ---- "The original Star Trek crew is getting a little old. Capt. Kirk just flew the Enterprise 2 million light years with the left turn signal on." -- Jay Leno ---- "This book should not be set lightly aside, but hurled, with great force." -- Dorothy Parker ---- "The best thing is to look natural, but it takes makeup to look natural." -- Calvin Klein ---- "We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves." -- La Rochefoucauld ---- "Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about." -- Agnes Repplier ---- "All seems infected that th' infected spy, As all looks yellow to the jaundiced eye." -- Alexander Pope ---- "Human nature is so constructed that it gives affection most readily to those who seem least to demand it." -- Bertrand Russell ---- "Dying ought to be done in black and white. It is simply not a colorful activity." -- Russell Baker ---- "I'm not happy, I'm cheerful. There's a difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them." -- Beverly Sills ---- "Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it teaches you to stop suffering." -- Jane Roberts ---- "In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some entertainment out of it." -- Daniel Waters, screenwriter of HEATHERS ---- "I can't believe that Henry Kissinger actually said `Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.' I loved Edie's comment: `The bombing of Vietnam shows what it takes for him to get it up!'" -- Jane Wagner ---- "A sobering thought, Eileen: What if, right at this very moment I *am* living up to my full potential?" -- Jane Wagner ---- "To me, the term 'sexual freedom' meant freedom from having to have sex." -- Jane Wagner ---- "I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the Noble sperm bank. Something bothers me about the world's greatest geniuses sitting around reading pornography and jerking off." -- Jane Wagner ----