Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Corrected 1992 List, Part 3 of 11] Message-ID: <1993May10.035118.21770@tc.fluke.COM> Keywords: Acres O' Quotes Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> <1993May10.034929.21705@tc.fluke.COM> Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:51:18 GMT Lines: 1857 "Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings." -- George Will ---- "If you want to see your play performed the way you write them, become president." -- Vaclav Havel ---- "If we can put a man on the moon, why shouldn't it be Jerry Falwell?" -- Doug Robarchek ---- "The world is stunned by news of the discovery, and subsequent surrender, of a Japanese infantryman who has been lost in Powell's since 1945." -- Jonathon Nichols ---- "Nazi pride, Patsy Kline . . . it's all the same to me!" -- J.Paul Slavens, Ten Hands ---- "You have... 24 hours to live." "24 HOURS?!!!" "Well.... 22 -- I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Harry, Windom Earle's mind is like a diamond. It's cold, and hard, and brilliant." [Coop on TWIN PEAKS] ---- "In the shadows; can you beat that?" "Nope." [Harry and Cooper on TWIN PEAKS] ---- "OK! Well, then; we're gonna go bowling." [Dr. Jacobi decides to trade cigarettes in for a bowling ball for that post- sexual therapy session on TWIN PEAKS] ---- "What he needs now is both understanding and... a Confederate victory!" [Another Dr. Jacobi gem from TWIN PEAKS] ---- Selections from TOP TEN FACETS OF BUSH'S STATE-OF-THE-UNION SPEECH: 10. Kept profanity to a minimum 8. Snuck the phrase 'penis breath' by the censors 4. Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent speaking voice 3. Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the Code' contest -- Dick Piechowicz ---- "I wish _I_ was a tiger." "A common lament." [CALVIN AND HOBBES (where else?)] ---- "I haven't time to go chasing after him! There's violence to be done!" [MONTY PYTHON] ---- Spock was waiting for them when they got to the conference room. "Captain, I've run the data we collected through the computer." "Well, Spock, you must be a very proud young man. So what's the deal with these council weasels?" -- Late Night With David Letterman ---- "Decadent rodent, we will bury you." [LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN] ---- "Slam-damn-betcha, Jimmy." [A nice rejoinder from Counsellor Heller on GABRIEL'S FIRE] ---- "Something wrong with your friend?" "He's a white man who thinks he's James Brown." [From the ad to QUEEN'S LOGIC (I think that's the title)] ---- Another Bush and Powell Discussion: "What would be the result of an air strike on Wednesday night?" "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city razed to the ground, Sir!" "You know I don't understand that military jargon! Give it to me in words I can understand." "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral upheaval, Sir!" "That bad?!" -- BBC Radio 4 ---- What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." [An old joke off the net] ---- Selections from SADDAM HUSSEIN'S TOP TEN WORRIES ABOUT DESERT STORM: 10. Boxcar Willie album collection hard to carry from bunker to bunker 9. During a night raid, he might mistake jock strap for gas mask (again) 8. Cutting off CNN may mean loss of MTV 2. People keep calling his weapons names like 'scud' -- Bill Owens ---- Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm): "Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value of good graphics resolution." -- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska [Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...] ---- Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm): "After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us through hard times." -- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine [Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...] ---- Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm): "Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we know a thing or two about bus controllers." -- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas [Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...] ---- "Marsha Williams, who has an office on the Embarcadero, found Tuesday's view fascinating: the bridge devoid of traffic, helicopters overhead and an inbound Exxon tanker sailing under the bridge as hundreds of demonstrators were chorusing, `One-two-three-four, what the hell are we fighting for?' Exxon's tanker ploughed on, having answered the question. At the Standard Oil Building on Bush, scene of another lively protest, Joel Pimsleur sighted a protester waving the best sign to date: `George -- You Can't Start A War Until You Finish Your Broccoli!' "George managed to force it down his throat, and others'." -- Herb Caen ---- "The thing is, though, we've even allied ourselves with Syria. Yes, our good friend and loyal ally, Afad Assad. Apparently Idi Amin wasn't available; he's locked up in a hotel in Cairo, trying to get down to his fighting weight." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "She thought she was going on a dream date.... But soon, she'll live through *every* *woman's* *nightmare*: DATE WITH AN ENGINEER!!" [A skit from the local ALMOST LIVE show] ---- "The dead, they ask the best questions; and we are answerable." [A VERY BRITISH COUP] ---- "The house is advertised as being an hour from 42nd Street. Ha! The only thing an hour from 42nd Street is 43rd Street." [Cary Grant in MR. BLANDINGS BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE] ---- "Nobody knows. Nobody ever does know, for certain. The old bus wobbles one way, and you think, `That's done it!' and then it wobbles the other way and you think, `All serene'; and then, one day, it wobbles over too far and you're in the soup and can't remember how you got there.... God! how I loathe haste and violence and all that ghastly, slippery cleverness. Unsound, unscholarly, insincere -- nothing but propaganda and special pleading and `what do we get out of this?'" -- Dorothy L. Sayers, GAUDY NIGHT ---- "They have women agents?" "More or less." [A revelation for Audrey on TWIN PEAKS] ---- Selections from SADDAM HUSSEIN'S TOP TEN HOPES FOR THE NEW YEAR: 9. In between brutally silencing his opponents he'll be able to find a little quiet time for himself. 8. Be able to use the Video Toaster to make Iraqi TV footage of `Death to American Satan' rallies look more like a Vanilla Ice video. 7. No one realizes that Tariq Aziz used to play Larry Tate on BEWITCHED. 3. The New York Post will stop using his first name as a verb. -- Peter Dill ---- New York Magazine's "Non-English Phrase Redefinition" Competition: FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat. COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots. RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead. EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail. L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge. ---- "Do not confuse MATURE(tm) with MASSIVE SEX AND GRAPHIC VIOLENCE(tm)! They are different creatures. CONCRETE contains mature themes, but has little nudity (most of it Concrete's art collection). IMHO, CONCRETE is a GOOD(tm) comic due to the complexity of the characters and their reactions to their world. ZOT! deals with mature themes without delving into excessive violence nor nudity. G.I. JOE deals with massive violence without dealing with mature themes. The element of shock is within each one of these. It's just that the nature of the shock varies. And even more importantly the effect of the shock upon the READER varies in terms of acceptability. And that level of acceptability determines whether YOU think it is a good comic or not. And that is all that counts in the end." -- Shelly Louie ---- "I'm the blood-thirstiest, shoot-firstiest, absolute worstiest, pirate that ever sailed the seven seas!" [Yosemite Sam] ---- "That rabbit has stolen the Illudium PU-38 Space Modulator! Delays, delays!" [Martin Martian] ---- "Wile E. Coyote, Super Geenniuusss. I like the sound of that. Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius." [Oh, come on? Who else?] ---- "My own little bunny rabbit. And I will hug him and squeeze him and pat his little head. And I will call him George." [A standard Looney Tunes gag line.] ---- "If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine." -- Rob Stampfli ---- "What's this? A Buck Wogers Wightning Quick Wabbit Kiwwer!" [Elmer Fudd] ---- "You just go back to whatever Stygian depths you came from, fella." "`Stygian depths.' I like that. You mention Dante to most people and they ask you how you liked GREMLINS." [The I OF NEWTON episode of the new TWILIGHT ZONE] ---- "What's this Iraq stuff? It wasn't in the TV GUIDE!" [ALMOST LIVE] ---- "Geez, I wish that was my name. Sounds like James Bond, y'know? `Hume. Britt Hume.'" [Wayne's World from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE] ---- "And if we do go to war, I can assure you, it will not be another Vietnam. Because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: Stay out of Vietnam." [Dana Carvey does George Bush on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE] ---- "Last week, Saddam Hussien released all the hostages. President Bush said he still planned to use military force if need be against Iraq, unless they left Kuwait. This week, Hussien said, OK, OK; I'll be out of Kuwait in a week. Bush said, too late, we're gonna attack anyway; you have embarrassed me in front of my woman." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update ---- "Oh MY GOD!" "Out with it, Lieutenant!" "Sir... he's joining the Columbia Records & Tape Club!" "Don't DO it, man! It's a scam!" "YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAA! YIPPEE-YAHOOOOOO!" [The hilarious Dennis Quaid daredevil sketch on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE] ---- "After weeks of mounting tension, $1 million at stake and the world chess championship on the line, Gary Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took off all his clothes, and yelled `Yahtzee!'" -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update ---- "The distinction between a statesman and a politician is that the former imposes his will and his ideas on his environment while the latter adapts himself to it." -- Dick Crossman ---- "We trained hard -- but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization." -- Petronius, 100 BC ---- "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." -- Hedy Lamarr ---- "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw ---- "If I didn't have writing, I'd be running down the street hurling grenades in people's faces." -- Paul Fussell ---- "I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize." -- George Bernard Shaw ---- "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley ---- "I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of the Foreign Office where future diplomats are taught to stammer." -- Peter Ustinov ---- "Look for the ridiculous in everything and you find it." -- Jules Renard ---- "Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important." -- Eugene McCarthy ---- "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" -- Jean Kerr ---- "There are times when you have to choose between being human and having good taste." -- Bertolt Brecht ---- "Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -- Stephen Leacock ---- "All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few." -- Stendhal ---- "Almost all reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for." -- Logan Pearsall Smith ---- "The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." -- Lily Tomlin ---- "Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping from the top of the barrel." -- Gore Vidal ---- "I've always thought respectable people scoundrels, and I look anxiously at my face every morning for signs of my becoming a scoundrel." -- Betrand Russell ---- "Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one." -- A.J. Liebling ---- "Television is democracy at its ugliest." -- Paddy Chayefsky ---- "Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." -- Brendan Behan ---- "To laugh, to lie, to flatter, to face: Four ways in court to win man's grace." -- Roger Ascham ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 21st "In a weapons deal that could upset the balance of power in the Mideast, France agrees to sell $175 million worth of rocks to Palestinian youths." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 12th "In World Cup Soccer Riot action, British fans easily defeat the Belgian Army." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 10th "Romania, taking its first tentative steps toward Western-style democracy, broadcasts the Willie Horton ad." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 27th "Britain forms an entirely new government in roughly the amount of time it takes the U.S. Congress to declare National Celery Month." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 23rd "In a historic summit agreement that eliminates the last irritating remnant of the Cold War, George Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev sign a treaty under which the two sides will jointly execute comedian Yakov Smirnov. Best Western stocks soar." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 8th "President Bush, reinforcing the American commitment to remain in the Persian Gulf until the job is done, orders an additional 250,000 high-level White House aides to come up with the real reason that we are there." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 9th "Over the heated objections of Manuel Noriega's attorneys, CNN broadcasts a tape of the deposed Panamanian strongperson performing `My Way.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 6th "In midterm elections, the voters, clearly fed up with the incompetence, corruption and rampant hypocrisy of the incumbents, re- elect them." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 4th "Mary Martin dies and ascends to heaven on clearly visible wires." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- October 19th "In championship chess action, the opening match ends in a draw when Garry Kasparov attempts a daring Queen Rook Gambit, only to see the wily James `Buster' Douglas lunge across the table and grab both of the champion's Ring Dings." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- September 24th "A Cincinnati art museum and its director go on trial on obscenity charges after exhibiting a group of U.S. political campaign commercials." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- September 14th "Concern is once again focused on the quality of American schools when the U.S. Education secretary releases a report that turns out to have been copied verbatim from the Interior secretary's report on offshore drilling." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- August 1st "Iraq invades Kuwait, setting off worldwide panic as thousands of oil-company executives pour into Ferrari dealerships." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 30th "Major League Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent, exercising his authority to protect the best interests of baseball, has George Steinbrenner fed to weasels." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 27th "Showing great social awareness, the PGA announces that it will no longer hold golf tournaments at country clubs that own slaves." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 9th "In the annual Forbes magazine list of the world's wealthiest individuals, the No. 1 ranking goes to a guy named Bud who knows how to fix transmissions." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 7th "The Supreme Court rules 9-0 that if it hears another word about flag-burning, it's going to puke." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 5th "The Soviet Communist Party Congress, continuing the movement toward Western-style democracy, accepts $135,000 from banker Charles Keating." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 27th "NASA begins to suspect that there might be a little problem with the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope when it starts transmitting extreme close-up photographs of a sticker that says `REMOVE THIS STICKER BEFORE LAUNCHING TELESCOPE.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 18th "In golf, tension and high drama grip the U.S. Open as Hale Irwin and Mike Donald show up wearing the same pants." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 5th "Resolving a complex case in which seven couples are claiming custody of a child resulting from an artificially inseminated egg that was a frozen embryo through four divorces and was incubated in two surrogate mothers, a judge rules that the child should be raised by wolves." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- May 30th "The Bush administration renews China's preferential trade status after the Chinese government, responding to criticism of its human-rights policies, agrees to shoot civilians with a smaller caliber of bullet." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- May 14th "Congress, despite strong lobbying efforts by the National Rifle Association, bans private ownership of aircraft carriers." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- April 2nd "In a major coup for U.S. intelligence, a U.S. spy satellite successfully penetrates a Soviet Politburo meeting through the roof. Unfortunately, the satellite is destroyed upon impact. Fortunately, the meeting is also being broadcast on CNN." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 31st "President Bush compares broccoli to Hitler." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 5th "True item: Cardinal John O'Connor reveals that twice in the past year, New York City priests have performed exorcisms to cure people who are possessed by demons. The cardinal does not mention George Steinbrenner by name." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 4th "The Republic of Mauritania attempts to secede from the Soviet Union, only to be informed, in a strongly worded rebuke from Mikhail Gorbachev, that it is located in Africa." ---- "Mr. BOB, you've killed Theresa Banks, Laura Palmer, Jacques Renault, and Maddy Ferguson. What are you going to do next?" "I'm going to Disneyland!" -- Richard Barrett ---- Never kick a gift horse in the mouth. [Off the net] ---- "I was awakened at 6:30 this morning by the maid, saying the 5 words I just dread to hear: `The monkey's had an accident.'" -- David Letterman ---- "That's a good color for him." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Doc Hayward said you needed familiar stimulants, so we figured, what the hell, kazoos." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "The guy on the TV specials isn't the original Bob Hope. There's eight of them, I think. Like Lassie." [KISW (local Seattle Radio Station)] ---- "SO BE IT! The fate of the UNIVERSE is in your hands!" "Talk about job-related stress." [MIGHTY MOUSE comic book] ---- "While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating handsome American movie and TV stars. Stars like Tom Selleck, Bruce Willis, and Bart Simpson." -- Baghdad Betty ---- Selections from TOP 10 NEW JOBS FOR MILLI VANILLI: 10. Open law firm of Jacoby, Meyers, Milli, Vanilli 8. Jamaican pickpockets in American Express commercial 4. Fact-checkers at "20/20" in the Buckwheat Division 3. Even Newer Kids on the Block -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?" -- Irv Kupcinet ---- A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. [Off the net] ---- Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. [Off the net] ---- "The shortest distance between two points is through Hell." -- Brian Clark ---- "Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know." -- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers" ---- "It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power. When they do act, they think of it as service, which has limits. The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insatiable, implacable." -- David Brin ---- "The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing." -- Gamel Abdel Nasser ---- "In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice, solid piece of wood in your hands." [THIS IS SPINAL TAP] ---- "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." -- Alan Dean Foster ---- RULES FOR STARFLEET PROGRAMMERS, #4: "Self-destruct routines are never carried through, so there is no need to program them as anything more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure the countdown always runs past 1, to the last millisecond before the ship blows up, for dramatic values." -- Mitch Wagner ---- RULES FOR STARFLEET PROGRAMMERS, #2: "Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi." -- Mitch Wagner ---- "All those moments will be lost, in time, like tears in rain." [BLADE RUNNER] ---- "I don't have an unclassified opinion." [A friend of a friend] ---- Excerpt from conversation between customer support person and customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: "You're not our only customer, you know." "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." ---- Recent Microsoft ad: "Some people don't see the advantages of combining Microsoft applications. But then some people didn't see what would come of mixing nitro and glycerin." ---- "Witkin and Kass obtain a jumping motion for Luxo by formulating it as a two-boundary-point optimization problem [40]. The results produced are impressive, but their formulation appears to have a problem with the takeoff and landing occurring with only one edge of the base in contact with the ground. Their Luxo jump sequence has a takeoff and landing with a flat base. From our experience with the torques necessary to make Luxo perform a jump, we are convinced that a jump with a flat base on takeoff and landing is very difficult to perform and would therefore not be a natural mode of locomotion for a lamp." -- Siggraph '90 proceedings, page 233. ---- "It was the dumbest thing I had ever seen, but it's a family thing, and I guess it's clean." -- Barbara Bush re: THE SIMPSONS ---- "They just sent out announcements for the conference on massively parallel systems. I got 600 of them." -- Andy Koenig ---- "You remember those guys who were show writers sitting around the office in the old `Dick Van Dyke Show'? When I was a kid, it looked like the best job in the world . . . and it is." -- Harley Peyton ---- "There's no joy in Mudville tonight!" -- Jesse Helmes, commenting on his election victory over his black opponent, Harvey Gantt ---- "The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse." -- Jac Goudsmit ---- "Homer was never stubborn! He *always* folded instantly over anything! It was as if he had no will of his own! Isn't that true, Homer?" "Yes, Dad!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Pompous blow-dried college boy!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Hello! Operator! Get me the number for 911!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Let's go! If I'm not back at The Home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "It's YOUR FAULT America has lost its way!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "I can't believe it! You actually found a practical use for geometry." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Hee hee hee! That Marmaduke..." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Who wants to build character? Let's quit!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Let me tell ya something, Bellows..." "What's that, Murph?" "Bean dip... is my world." "Really? Well, so is lard, cholesterol, salt and cancer." "This has *salt*?" [THE FLASH] ---- "Last kid that did that's now called `Stumpy'." [THE FLASH] ---- "Never disturb me when I'm laughing." [THE FLASH] ---- "Brutus... you're like a mouse with an attitude." [THE FLASH] ---- "Hee hee hee.... Kids say such stupid things." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "I won't even subject you to the horrors of our 3 Stooges ward." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "You think *you* got guts. Try raising my kids." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "`I am that merry wanderer of the night'? I am that giggling-dangerous-totally-psychotic-menace- to-life-and-limb, more like it." [SANDMAN] ---- "You played me well, mortal. But I have played me for time out of mind. And *I* do Robin Goodfellow better than anyone." [SANDMAN] ---- "The best in this kind are but shadows; and the worst are no worse, if imagination amend them." [Why, Shakespeare. (A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT'S DREAM, performed in SANDMAN] ---- "*Just* what the world's been waiting for. The charge of the trenchcoat brigade." [THE BOOKS OF MAGIC] ---- "Could I do what he did? Could I be as powerful as Merlin?" "Powerful? A strange word to use, in connection with him." [THE BOOKS OF MAGIC] ---- "*WHAT??! You voted for the guy who draws `The Punisher'? JUDAS! You brain-dead little FANBOY!" [THE EYE OF MONGOMBO] ---- "OK, so I'm hallucinating. I was wondering why the drawing got so stylized all of a sudden!" [THE EYE OF MONGOMBO] ---- "You have ten seconds to become a peaceful, productive member of society. If you fail to do so, I will pluck your eyes out and squash them flat." [PAUL THE SAMURAI] ---- "Mysteries are *boring*, Paul. Stick to the cardinal super-hero rule: Beat Up All Suspicious People." [PAUL THE SAMURAI being instructed by The Tick] ---- "I seem to suffer from irrelevant flashbacks." [A bit of self-analysis from PAUL THE SAMURAI] ---- "Wait! I have money -- a fortune! You can have it all." "Well, thank you, I will." [WISEGUY] ---- "Well, I've lived in these old woods most of my life... seen some strange things, but this is way off the map -- I'm having a hard time believing..." "Harry, is it easier to believe that a man would rape and murder his own daughter? Any more comforting?" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Leland, Leland... You've been a good vehicle, and I've enjoyed the ride." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Oh gosh golly gee geewhiz, I guess I kinda sorta did. I have this thing for knives." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Ran out of tuna fish." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Through the darkness of futures past, The Magician longs to see One chance out between two worlds Fire, walk with me." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Would you like us to hum?" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Our lives have taken an odd turn." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home I realized how little that helped." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Can we go on after MURPHY BROWN?" [DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "This is pathetic, Michael! It's people like you who are turning us into a mindless, culturally ignorant society on the verge of decay!" "So?" [DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "President's Day! What a rip-off!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Plutonium rod used as paperweight." "Ooooh! Now that shouldn't be!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor playing Charles Darwin what he thinks!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "ON-LY A MORON WOULDN'T CAST HIS VOTE FOR MON-TY BURNS!!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "The voters now see you as imperial and god-like." "Hot dog!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "He is Bob Eager for fun! He wears a *smile* Everybody *run*." -- Mike [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Cooper, you remind me today of a small, Mexican Chihuahua." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Great! Paydirt! You'll have to speak up, Sheriff, hearing's gone! Long story!" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Y'know, you are the best lawman I've ever seen; but Coop, sometimes you think too much." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "She's truly evil." "Either evil or a greedy child. She wants what she wants when she wants it." [From the LAW AND ORDER series] ---- "Possibly even more important, Tintin bears a certain visual resemblance to Charlie Brown. It was gratifying to see that a childhood loser could grow up to be as resourceful and graceful as Tintin, and get to go to all kinds of cool places!" -- Jim Dyer ---- "Another note: Gerard Jones must die. Well, I'll settle for a better sinister laugh than `Hee hee.' I don't know what's `better', but `hee hee' is what I've come to associate with Sam and Max rather than True Evil..." -- Paul Aoki ---- "Now that whole war thing, I was against that from the start!" "Well, I think most of us were." "Yes, but I DID something about it. . . I wrote a letter. I wrote, 'Dear Sirs, Stop it.'" -- Peter Cook and Dudley Moore ---- "Here's a new theory, I think everyone in the town got together late one night, and decided to go over to the Palmer house and kill Laura, and Bob stands for a Bunch of Bastards." -- Ajai at Penn State ---- "Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book." -- Cicero ---- "There's things you can't get in books." "There are things you can't get anywhere; but with dreams, they can sometimes be found in other people." [Donna and Harold Smith on TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Sid, can you fix us up with three Black Yukon Sucker-Punches?" [The rather quaint Judge on TWIN PEAKS] ---- "You know, it'd be convenient if every pork-bred pea-brain Congressman was running for office this year, so we could feel good about voting them out of office; but unfortunately, we can't all live in North Carolina." -- A. Whitney Brown ---- "I'M A WHOLE DAMN TOWN!!" [Andy's rabbit died. Well, kinda.... TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Good thing you guys can't keep a secret." [Damn good thing! TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Cheese doodle?" "Do you have any idea what's in these things?" "Sure: they're cheese with doodle flavoring." [Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "You'll be sorry! PHANTOM isn't the same in Providence! It stars Erik Estrada! And he plays an ACCORDION!" [Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "He's irksome." "He's rude." "He's Satan's crafty minion." "...Sounds like a chip dip." [DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "Once actor Raymond Burr was confronted by a fan who demanded to know how it was that [Perry Mason] won every case. `But madam,' he replied smoothly, `you only see the cases I try on Saturday.'" -- THE COMPLETE DIRECTORY OF PRIME TIME TV SHOWS ---- "Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck." -- Robin Williams ---- "Hmmm... for a superior race, they really rub it in." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Anyone from a species that has mastered inter-galactic travel, raise your hand.... Alright, then." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "On this cable system, you will recieve one million channels from the furthest reaches of the galaxy!" "Do you get HBO?" "...no, that would cost extra." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "OK, boy, let's see you talk your way out of *this* one." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- ********** ************ **************** ** HERE LIES ** ** ** ** CASPER ** ** THE ** ** FRIENDLY ** ** BOY ** ** ** **************** **************** **************** -- THE SIMPSONS ---- "Nothing is beautiful unless it is large. Vastness and immensity can make you forget a great many weaknesses." -- Emperor Napoleon I, ruler and OS/2 user ---- "Hmmm... Not strong enough. How about, `I was wrong, I'm very happy for you, and I should be forced to sit between two sweaty guys on an airplane and watch GHOST DAD?'" [Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "Private luxury jet... you know what that means! *Gucci barf bags*!" [Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "What's it going to take to get me through this flight?" "Depends." "It depends? On what?" "No, Depends -- the adult diaper." [DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "Everyone has heard of Canterbury if only because they murder archbishops there." -- Michael Powell ---- "Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of political intercourse." [HEAD OF THE CLASS] ---- "Blood sausage, suet pie ... It's like all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." [SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE] ---- Review of Liz Taylor in THE MIRROR CRACK'D: "... a Pharaonic mummy moving on tiny castors like a touring replica of the Queen Mother." [Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.] ---- "Marlon Brando is so obviously stunned that you feel he is somehow playing the lead in THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO." [Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.] ---- Review of Tom Cruise in COCKTAIL: "He might just as well go about with a sack over his head imprinted with the words I AM GOOD-LOOKING. As it is, he struts his second-rate stuff... giving the sort of performance which will make self-respecting bartenders everywhere weep." [Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.] ---- "You bust through the door and create a diversion. They all turn and aim at you. You try to sweet talk them out of blowing your brains out. While I, sneak around back, bust in, and *really* surprise 'em!" [SHOOTING STARS] ---- "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dying time is here." [MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME] ---- "I didn't kill Grandpa! Society killed Grandpa!!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Don't blame me... *I* didn't do it!" -- Krusty The Clown [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. THEY'RE ON TV!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Look lady, we've seen the crappy little elves!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Beer! Now there's a temporary solution." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Nor do I agree with the viewpoint of the Libertarians, who seem to think that citizenship carries with it an inalienable right to selfishness." -- Heidi Wolf ---- "Instant gratification is not fast enough." -- Suzanne Vega, "Postcards from the Edge" ---- "Savior-faire is everywhere!" [Dunno, but it sounds great, doesn't it?] ---- "Wine gives me a headache. I'll have a double kamikaze." [Ms. Depesto in MOONLIGHTING] ---- "Leave it to a Wop to bring a knife to a gun fight." [THE UNTOUCHABLES] ---- "It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." [TOP GUN] ---- "Son, you're ego is writing checks you're body can't cash." [TOP GUN] ---- "He was born with the gift of laughter and the sense that the world was mad." -- SCARAMOUCHE ---- "Monsieur, a wafer-thin mint?" [MONTY PYTHON'S MEANING OF LIFE] ---- "Son, all I've asked my men is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God." [FULL METAL JACKET] ---- "I want you to make that head so clean that the Virgin Mary would be proud to take a dump in there." [FULL METAL JACKET] ---- "There is no racial bigotry here. Here you are all equally worthless." [FULL METAL JACKET] ---- "You listen to *me*! While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is I am a nay-sayer and hatchet man in the fight against violence! I pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take another because I choose to to live my life in the company of Ghandi, and King! My concerns are *global*. I reject absolutely revenge, aggression, and retaliation! The foundation of such a method... is love.... I love you, Sheriff Truman." [The one and only Albert, on TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Albert's path is a strange and difficult one." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Oh, by the way, you were shot with a Walther PPK. It's James Bond's gun, did you know that?" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Next time I say, `Let's go to Bolivia'... let's go to Bolivia!" [BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID] ---- "Jesus, You're a hooker? I forgot! I just thought I was doing great with you!" [ARTHUR] ---- "I will not encourage others to fly. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not encourage others to fly." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Rise and shine, Springfield!" "It's the Bill & Marty Show! He's Bill!" "He-e-e's Marty!" "Two grown men who can't get enough of each other!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "I'm no theologian; I don't know who or what God is, exactly. All I know is, he's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe him *big*." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Ha ha ha! Hey, look everybody! John Hancock's writing his name in the snow!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Diane, 1:18 AM. Long day, turning in. Albert Rosenfield has arrived, and with his usual charm has completely won over the local population. As Sherman did in Atlanta." [Collected notes to Agent Cooper tape (TWIN PEAKS merchanise)] ---- "I will tell you three things. If I tell them to you, and they come true, then will you believe me?" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "I wish I could have cracked the Lindbergh kidnapping case." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Sheriff, a picture is forming! Big axe on the couch; these same geese were flying that evening... Leo was trying to turn someone into kindling." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come from?" "I'll have to get back to you on that." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Would you like to play with fire, little boy? Would you like to play with Bob? Would you like to play with *Bob*?" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "When did you start smokin'?" "I smoke every once in a while.... helps relieve tension." "When did you get so tense?" "When I started smokin'." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "I'm dog tired... A man can only go so long without submitting to a period of rest. For as we know from experiments conducted on American G.I.s during the Korean War, sleep deprivation is a one-way ticket to temporary psychosis." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "The things I tell you will not be wrong." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Has anyone seen Bob on Earth in the last few weeks?" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "I performed the autopsy on Jaques Renault; stomach contents revealed, let's see: beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bicycle tire, a goat... and a small wooden puppet, goes by the name of Pinnochio." "You're making a joke." "I like to think of myself as one of the happy generations." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "She *seemed* like a very nice girl." [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Jerry, please kill Leland." "Is this real, Ben, or some strange and twisted dream?" [TWIN PEAKS] ---- "Emmy fight, Emmy fight!" [Saturday Night Live sketch] ---- "These toys are just *adorable*! Who would have guessed that they were inspired by an insane criminal genius?" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Ella, Ella, Ella... Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away! Death *really* hates that." [DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "You mean there's no one with principles left in our family?" "There's always Mom." "Nnnnnaaaah.... She's no DAMN good anymore, either!" [DOCTOR, DOCTOR] ---- "There are 10 pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight; won't you please pick up that spare?" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "`The Perfect Crime'?! Who do you think you are, president of a Savings and Loan?" [I've forgotten! DOCTOR, DOCTOR? TINY TOON ADVENTURES?] ---- "An article in MONEY magazine named Bremerton [Washington] as the Most Livable city in the United States. According to the article, cities were rated on three factors: economic vitality, housing costs, and number of drunken sailors." -- The John Report ---- "And now is the time on Sprockets when we dance." [Saturday Night Live] ---- "Cooper... I think I'm going to head out, too." "Oh, not yet, Harry -- we still haven't heard from the Log Lady." "Cooper, you're not going to hear from the Log Lady." "Why not?" "...Well, because there's only two women left on Saturday Night Live, and we've already used them both up." [Saturday Night Live] ---- "`Dear Agent Cooper: I killed Laura Palmer. Signed, Leo Johnson.' `Dear Agent Cooper: Wondering if you got my first note re: my killing of Laura Palmer. Signed, Leo Johnson.' `Dear Agent Cooper: Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities. Signed, Leo (the murderer of Laura Palmer) Johnson.'" [Saturday Night Live] ---- "vi: the look-and-feel of Hollerith cards, but without the added bulk!" -- David Jacobson ---- Selections from "New Crossbred `ISMs' for the 90s": Blaspheminism: "Take the patriarchy and stuff it up your Messiah." Andy Cappitalism: "Lend me five quid, luv?" "Cor, you're not investing in S&Ls again!?" Parterrorism: "Take this plane to Cuba or we overwater the flower garden!" Superegotism: "My conscience is bigger than yours." Seconaltruism: "I love humanity... as long as I take these pills twice a day." Christmasochism: "It's December 23rd! I must get to the mall!" -- Ranjit Bhatnagar ---- "We are destined to flunk most egregiously." -- BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE ---- "For openers, the worst week of my life was spent learning C and programming an 8051 ($2 washing machine controller) to talk to an IBM PC. After ten years hacking Lisp Machines, God had finally sent me a machine commensurate with my abilities." -- Philip Greenspun ---- "`Okra Natodl.' `Live Long and Prosper.' Doesn't anyone just say `Hello' anymore?" "What was that, doctor?" "Nothing important." "How consistent." [STAR TREK, the comic] ---- "And now... the ape-man stalks his prey, much like Ngowa the lion or Ngalla the elk or Ngoomba the Knight of Pythias." [Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.] ---- "By George, it's fantastic how the minute these characters get into a comic book, they start acting in bad taste." [Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.] ---- "Once more I go to fight for law and order... For justice... But mainly for adding [a] sadistic element that is such a vital part of comic books!" [Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.] ---- "By George! I actually knocked him out without any extra spinach!" [Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.] ---- "Don't fool with me, Superduperman! *I'm* as strong as an OX!" "...*I'm* as strong as TWO oxes!" "*I'm* as strong as a CAR!" "*I'm* as strong as TWO cars!" "*I'm* as strong as THREE cars!" "Anything you say you're strong as I'm DOUBLE!" [Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.] ---- "Do you know WHY I was trying to get you beat up? I'll tell you why!... Because I am `Mad-Man Swee'Back'... The BROCCOLI King, that's why!... I own the biggest broccoli business in the world, that's why!... But when kids want to get strong, do they eat broccoli?... NO!... Because of you, they eat SPINACH! So what if there's iron in spinach!... There's iron in BROCCOLI!... There's iron in PRUNES!.... There's iron in RAISINS!... But when kids want to get strong, they choose gritty, lumpy old SPINACH! BECAUSE A MISERABLE, SQUINTY-EYED SAILOR BEATS UP EVERYBODY, THEY CHOOSE SPINACH! THAT'S WHY!" [Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.] ---- "Well... On to the next youngster!... Sonny... What would you like to be when you grow up?... A police chief?... A fireman?... A Indian? Or, (hot-dog), maybe a JET-FIGHTER PILOT? HUH? Huh? Huh? Huh?" "Please, Buffalo Bill... Don't be juvenile!... If one had the choice, it would probably be soundest to get into a white-collar occupation such as an investment broker or some-such!" [Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Howdy-Doody satire.] ---- "You're giving in to mob mentality, Dad." "No, I'm not, son. I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Get with the winning team." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Can't let you get involved, it's too dangerous." "I'm a big girl." "Yeah... and in all the right places, too." [NORTH BY NORTHWEST] ---- "This game lends itself to certain abuses." [CALVIN AND HOBBES on Calvinball] ---- "Just as the kid gets really hooked, the battery runs out." "MAYDAY, MAYDAY, WE'RE OUT OF JUICE! OHHHHH, YOU'VE KILLED ME, Youuu littttle shhhhitttheaddd...." [The Firesign Theater's HOT SHORTS video] ---- "What'll the radium do to the kids?" "Who knows? It could turn them into old men overnight, or they could stay young forever. What do you want, I'm not a liar!" "I'll write a disclaimer at once..... in JAPANESE!! Har har har!" [The Firesign Theater's HOT SHORTS video] ---- "Do you know who I am?" "...No." "I'm Adam." "......Oh, I'm Chef Boy-Ar-Dee." [Rob Morrow and Adam Arkin in a beautiful bit from NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "Y'know, it's like Jung says: the unconscious, it's revealed through the imagery of our dreams, which express our innermost fears, and our desires." "Jung said that?" "Yeah, I think it was Jung.... Maybe Vincent Price." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "You went to cooking school in Buffalo?" "HEY!... No Buffalo jokes!" [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "WHO ARE YOU?" "Hello, boys! I am Carl Jung; and while I know much about the collective unconscious, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!" "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" [One of the best dream sequences I've seen, from NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "Well that makes daddy a..." "TRAVELIN' MAN!" "I knew somethin' was up by the way they played bridge." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is that of Not Going." -- J.B. Priestly ---- "Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket." -- George Orwell ---- "France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper." -- Billy Wilder ---- "The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level." -- Norman Mailer ---- "The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots." -- Rebecca West ---- "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing." -- H.L. Mencken ---- "If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell." -- Philip Sheridan ---- "It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress." -- Mark Twain ---- "Success and failure are equally disastrous." -- Tennessee Williams ---- "College football would be more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students -- there would be a great increase in broken arms, legs and necks." -- H.L. Mencken ---- "There are few minds to which tyranny is not delightful." -- Samuel Johnson ---- "Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment." -- Robert Benchley ---- "A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are." -- Victor Lownes ---- "I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it." -- Wilson Mizner ---- "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." -- H.G. Wells ---- "Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes." -- Don Marquis ---- "Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much." -- Oscar Wilde ---- "The need of exercise is a modern superstition, invented by people who ate too much and had nothing to think about." -- George Santayana ---- "I like BONANZA! Ben, Joe, Hoss, the bald guy..." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "Relationships are complex because they are part real, part imaginary." -- Martin F. Terman ---- "On the contrary, you were most attractive, and as for forbidding, you were anything but. But you were also a little the worse, or better, for wine, and there are rules about that." [Jimmy Stewart in THE PHILADELPHIA STORY] ---- "Yes, yes, you were right in the Burmese amber case, the Chilean nitrates, the Assam tea poisoners, AND the Times crossword last Friday. All the same, you leave for Palestine on Saturday!" [Ralph Richardson's boss (what a job!) from Q PLANES] ---- "I remind you: everything you say will be held against you." "Well, in that case: Marlene Dietrich!" [A 1943 movie, CRAZY HOUSE] ---- "Why, I make more money than Calvin Coolidge... PUT TOGETHER!" [Ack! It's Lena Lamont, from SINGIN' IN THE RAIN!] ---- "You are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic." "No, hopeful. Hopeful romantic." [ROMANCING THE STONE] ---- "SHE picked ME up, sir." "Well, you have to say that to get it on expenses, don't you?" ['Arry Palmer, from FUNERAL IN BERLIN] ---- "Kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again!" [THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS] ---- "It took nature about a million years to come up with Grant's gazelle. It will take about another hundred years to come up with the man you have in mind." [THE COMPETITION] ---- "Grant can be very outspoken, but not by anybody I know." [Katherine Hepburn in STATE OF THE UNION] ---- "Do you play chess?" "Yes, but I prefer a game with a better chance of cheating." [FUNERAL IN BERLIN] ---- "Death cannot be assumed simply because signs of life are not present! Hasn't that medical school of yours taught you how to take a pulse?" "We have touched on it, but mostly, we cut up things." [THE WRONG BOX] ---- "And besides -- it isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money!" -- Daffy Duck ---- "Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." -- Foghorn Leghorn ---- "I WANT MY EPIDURAL!" [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "I think you're pretty tough, don't I?" -- Daffy Duck ---- "O mighty warrior of fine fighting stock, May I enquire to ask...`What's up doc?'" [From WHAT'S OPERA, DOC?] ---- Selections from The Petroleum Institute's TOP TEN REASONS FOR THE INCREASE IN GASOLINE PRICES: 9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming. 8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that. 7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice. 6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us. 5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's. 3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast. 2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time. -- Greg Scott ----