Subject: 1993 Moriarty Quote List [Corrected 1992 List, Part 1 of 11] Message-ID: <1993May10.034723.21633@tc.fluke.COM> Keywords: Acres O' Quotes Organization: The Institute for Criminal Science, Gizmonics Control References: <1993May10.032105.21262@tc.fluke.COM> Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 03:47:23 GMT Lines: 1850 "Egads! Why dally with other poisons?! That java has perverted the wills of more men than many major religions!" "Do you want it with cream or sugar?" "I prefer it ebon. Why disguise such a pure destructive force?" [MISSPENT YOUTHS #3] ---- "I will train myself relentlessly, mold and recreate my entire being until I am a living weapon! Unstoppable! Invincible! Incorruptable! The bad guys will pee their pants at the sight of my awesome FEAR-INDUCING GOODNESS!" -- Misspent Youths ---- "Maybe he'll shoot her. She's lived sixteen years. I think I've suffered enough." -- Misspent Youths ---- "So.... you've been sent back in time for only one day,. You've got a chance to to change history. You meet Adolph Hitler at five years old. What do you do?" "Shoot the little bastard." "That was my response." [MISSPENT YOUTHS #1] ---- "Imagine his surprise when he sees his children sprawled on the floor like some bizarre Matthew Brady landscape!" -- Dr. Clayton Forrester ---- "Frank, I don't have time for Thanksgiving. I'm on the verge of world domination." "But we have guests coming over." [MST3K Thanksgiving special] ---- "Oscar Wilde: 2000." -- Crow ---- "You know, I certainly have amassed a fortune, donning dorky bow ties, weasely glasses, and Big Boy-styled haircuts!" -- Crow ---- "Oh, you rotten man. Here. Let me take your rotten, bloody picture for the rotten, bloody newspapers." [LAWRENCE OF ARABIA] ---- "We are not thugs. We are not fanatics. We are vitamin supplements to justice." [QUEEN OF ANGELS, by Greg Bear] ---- "Relative calm is expected in South Central Los Angeles for the next several weeks, as looters stay home and try to learn to program their new VCRs." -- Weekend Update ---- "Viewing the destruction in South Central Los Angeles, President Bush was said to be `shocked by what black people look like up close.'" -- Weekend Update ---- Selections from L.A. TRIAL JURY'S TOP TEN ACQUITTAL EXCUSES: 10. Swayed by defense counsel's "Boys will be boys" closing argument 9. Pressure from big-money Vegas gamblers 4. Promised cameo appearances in "Dragnet II" 2. Case law explanations provided by nearby Reagan Library -- Steven Sargent ---- "It's nothing. It's just a private joke between me and whoever is going to be my analyst." ---- Selections from TOP TEN KEEBLER ELF EUPHEMISMS FOR DEATH: 8. On the cooling rack 7. Bought the Pepperidge Farm 5. Creamy casket filling 3. Super-Fudge-a-riffically-Dead 1. Somebody get the mini-vac! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging." -- Mister Boffo ---- "I'm warning you ... if you kill me, they'll just send 008!" -- Flaming Carrot ---- "Well, we've stared at it... that oughta fix it! Let's get outta here." -- Crow ---- "Right now, they're upstairs?..." "...pumping like pistons..." "...making the beast with two backs." "Want some cognac?" [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "No moose, no moose." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "If some of our GM executives had been conceived under the Aurora Borealis, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "Although he is now a god, he is still the same lovable young man we've always known -- I can attest to that." [I, CLAUDIUS] ---- "Go ahead, Stephen! Take your last licks! But this will heal! What I'm gonna say can NEVER be erased! It'll scar you FOREVER! "Ready?! Here it is! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE MORE THAN $19,000 A YEAR! HA HA HA!!" [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "...except I would give *anything* if you were two people... so I could call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one that I like so MUCH." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "He wants to see you. He's become a god. Oh, you're a god, too." [I, CLAUDIUS] ---- "Do you know him personally?" "No, but I've slept with his wife several times." [I, CLAUDIUS] ---- "What's wrong with it?" "Nothing... I think you really blew the lid off nookie." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "So, don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom -- while being a very nice guy -- is the *devil*." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "Ernie said you're lucky if you can get out when you can still cry.... Which means I should have quit 3 years ago." [BROADCAST NEWS] ---- "I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several days have attacked me at once." [Anonymous] ---- "In the immortal words of the captain of the Titantic, 'Where did all this fucking ice come from?'" [Anonymous] ---- "This must be the Red Sox' year. Statistics of the last 75 years prove that the Sox always win the World Series one year after a Russian revolution." -- Dan Shaughnessy ---- "I'll be back! You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in... I'll be back on the streets! With all my criminal buddies! BA-HAHAHAHAHA!" -- SideShow Bob [From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Thank you, Senor MacGyver! You saved our village." "Don't thank me, thank the moon's gravitational pull." [From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Aunt Selma has one hour to live!" "Hey! Down in front!" [From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Uh-oh, you guys, it's the Agents of Hell." [Joel getting the call from the Mads on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000] ---- TRANSLATION OF JET JAGUAR THEME SONG ------------------------------------ He jock it made of steel Eats sushi from a pail Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar! He mother never really love him He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity He dickey covers up an adams apple the size of a Toyota He basically good-hearted But he'd like to smash that kid against a rock Knock! Knock! Knock! Who's there? His head looks like Jack Nicholson Don't smile like that, it will stay that way Yahmmmaahoaahoaaaugh! Don't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Custom Man -- MST3K [The "translation" of the GODZILLA VS MEGALON closing song on MST3K] ---- "But, but Gramps, what good is having a bazillion dollar popcorn empire if no sweet chick will breed with me?" "Listen to yourself, Buddy. It's part of the proud popcorn creed to be without the love of a woman. How can we concentrate on genetically improving our popcorn if we have extremely abundent members of the weaker sex parading up and down the rows of our high-yield Super-Chief double-whammy ganga-ganga corn? Sweet fruit juices annointing their bodies..... C'mon, how would that look?" -- MST3K [The Orville Redeinbacher (sp?) sketch from MST3K] ---- "*I'm* the god, I'M THE GOD!!" [MST3K (and I'd love to know where it's originally from)] ---- "The public is tired of serial killers? Now, where'd you get that?" "You can read it yourself in the focus groups, Jim. Serial killers are overexposed. Our audience is worried about the economy. They don't want any more serial killers." -- Michael Crichton's (impressively stupid) RISING SUN ---- Marx Stalin Lenin Trotsky We've got the team that's really hotsky. -- Pre-New Order Reed College Cheer ---- "You noticed that I didn't promise to cut your taxes. Of course I didn't. That would be stupid. If I cut taxes, we'd go deeper into debt. Then I'd have to raise taxes to help cover the juice we're paying on all that debt. Did you appreciate my candor? No, you'd rather have someone tell you that he is going to make it possible for you to buy three more Happy Meals at McDonald's and to hell with the future." -- Mike Rokyo on Paul Tsongas' withdrawl from the presidential race ---- "As for those who prefer some glib, position-hopping pretty-boy backslapper, you have a good chance of getting what you deserve. The trouble is, the rest of us will get it, too." -- Mike Rokyo on Paul Tsongas' withdrawl from the presidential race ---- "Here, here! You oughtn't to do a thing like that! Going around tying defenseless people to railroad tracks! It's not the Canadian way!" [Who else but... DUDLEY DORIGHT OF THE MOUNTIES?] ---- "Why are all the cute ones so corporate?" -- Joel, MST3K ---- "Oh, Captain Crunch Comfort Ring, help me out of this awful jam." -- Joel, MST3K ---- "Van Damme and Van Damme in 'Van Damme You All to Hell!'" -- Tom Servo ---- "Eat lead, space pansy!!" -- Tom Servo ---- "Something stupid this way comes." --- Joel, MST3K ---- "Watch it -- we've got Moog synthesizers! We could kill you from here!" -- MST3K ---- "I think it's really the human part of him that's failing." "Well, the human side likes the rich taste, but the robot in him loves the frosty goodness." -- MST3K ---- "Meanwhile, at Jackie Chan Technical College ..." -- MST3K ---- "The Comics Journal is like Einstein's curved space, molding itself around Fantagraphics' perceived needs and foibles, a series of rationalizations and excuses masquerading as a political viewpoint. You could hang it on the wall, but how would you ever decide which end is up?" -- Dave Sim ---- >> CTHULHU IN '92!!! << ------------------------------- Why vote for the *lesser* evil? -- David Henry ---- "Soapie once told me that the thing he loved most about country music was its sense of myth. There's heroes and villains, good and bad, right and wrong. The protagonist strolls into a bar which he sees as a microcosm of the big picture. He contemplates his existence and asks himself, `Who's that babe in the red dress?'" [Chris on NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "In your dreams, Fleischman." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "I don't like people committing suicide. All the ethical considerations aside -- it's just plain bad for business." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "She doesn't understand why you don't cut anybody any slack. Why you can't roll with the punches. Why you think everyone you meet has an ulterior motive. Why you can't be spontaneous. And why you can't see the beauty that's all around you. And frankly, I didn't know what to tell her." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "It would make a lovely holiday card -- `Greetings from the Netherworld, love Joel and Elaine'." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "You're missing the point, Ed. Golf isn't a game -- it's a choice that one makes with one's life." "To hang out with people in funny-looking pants?" [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get de-sensitized to it!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "I, for one, get rather annoyed when I settle into a nice bubble bath with some Belgian chocolate and a mystery at my side only to discover that all of the characters in the latter are still alive at the end." -- Miriam Nadel ---- "Gentlemen.... DON'T LET AMERICA GO TO THE DEVIL!" [THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER (also known as ALL THAT MONEY CAN BUY] ---- "We deal in lead, friend." [THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN] ---- "Does Barbie come with Ken?" "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken." [Anonymous] ---- Selections from TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR THE IBM/APPLE JOINT VENTURE: 10. What we lack in talent, we make up in size. 9. Middle-aged white men in suits. 7. The power to be our best and sue the rest. 6. He ain't heavy, he's my brother. 3. We don't like you, Bill. 1. Setting a new standard in vaporware. -- Terry Zmrhal ---- Selections from TOP TEN REASONS TO USE GNU EMACS: 8. 50-50 chance of discovering new feature each time it's executed. 6. Subliminal messages flashed on screen during global search/replace urge "Stallman for President". 4. Helps support "When you don't pay for software, don't pay for *American* software" campaign. 3. Continued use allows embedded self-organizing neural network code to take first steps up evolutionary ladder. -- Richard Kulawiec ---- "If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist." -- Scott Dorsey ---- Selections from TOP TEN REASONS TO USE vi: 9. It's super powerful 7. It's cryptic, and therefore builds character 6. It doesn't use any keys that aren't on your keyboard 5. It's even available on a DOS machine 1. It's useful for Korn Shell Command Line Editing -- Randall W. Hron ---- "Hmmmm, this sounds like *another* job for Stupendous Man!" "Actually, it doesn't sound like *quite* his type of job." [CALVIN & HOBBES] ---- "Why.... that would be pretty cool, if they weren't trying to kill me." -- Calvin [CALVIN & HOBBES] ---- "EAT TASTY SEMI-AUTOMATIC **DEATH**, YOU DILDO JOCKIES" [PunisherRoach, from CEREBUS] ---- "But to you now worshipping in the flickering blue light, I say this: The beating of Rodney King notwithstanding, an image without context is less than a half truth. "So be skeptical. Think critically. Read. And good day." -- CONCRETE: Fragile Creatures ---- "I'd given a million bucks to anyone who could explain that woman to me." "Sometimes I think she's a Martian stuck on our planet an' that her behavior is normal back home." [Ah, shyness and love, ala Rand Race and Hopey re: Maggie in LOVE AND ROCKETS] ---- "A...common...household...kitchen...utensil." -- Ron Post ---- "Sometimes I think justice just isn't what it used to be." -- Dick Tracy ---- "Who *cares* which hero could beat up the other? It's crazy to argue like this all the time! You're driving your mother out of OUT OF HER MIND! You're lucky I don't tan your hides! They're just COMIC BOOKS! "And besides, it's like *my* father always said -- FLAMING CARROT could tear them BOTH to shreds!" -- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20 ---- "I wish Wally Wood had drawn me!" "BOY! Me too!" -- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20 ---- "Comic books contain *sexual* *innuendo* that almost approaches the level of explicitly reached on the average episode of NIGHT COURT! Comic books portray acts of crime and violence that are very nearly as realistic as real life *itself*! In comic books, many of the `heros' have a disregard for the law and a twisted sense of right and wrong that doesn't even come close to the down-right contempt of the values that made this country great held by most of its elected officials, but SO WHAT? WHERE WAS I? I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY NEXT! BECAUSE OF COMIC BOOKS! *THEY MAKE ME SO MAD!!!*" "This message brought to you by the Self-Righteous Finger-Pointing Witch-Hunting Nail-Biting Grouchy Old Poops of America." -- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20 ---- "Now that I can finally see him for what he's been all along, I'm just appalled! I mean, can there be anyone on Earth more craven, more contemptible than he is?" "They say in America, there is a man named `Geraldo'..." "No, I mean of Duke's generation." [DOONESBURY] ---- "Hmmm... she's got really nice skin for a junkie." -- Crow ---- "Slugger: Found dead with Coors Party Ball lodged in throat." -- Crow ---- "...and, uh-oh, it's THE STINKY GUY." -- Joel, MST3K ---- "...and a man so mean he once shot himself just for snoring too loud!" -- Crow ---- "Hey, it's Raffi! Thanks for the drugs!" -- Crow ---- "A new theory on the Kennedy assassination!" "Drowning!" -- FARLEY ---- "Scary news from that nuclear waste dumping site of the Farallones!!" "We'll talk with an 80-pound duck!" -- FARLEY ---- "CHANNEL ONE! We put the `Super' in Superficial!!" -- FARLEY ---- Rolling Stone review of "The Archies' Greatest Hits": "Lord, no. Contained within the grooves of this record are twelve convincing arguments against the capitalist system." ---- "I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS." -- Robert Bakker, paleontologist ---- Here lies Hermina Kuntz To virtue quite unknown. Jesus, rejoice! At last she sleeps alone [?] ---- "God, I could use a half-day." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Look's like you've just bought a lottery ticket... to jail!" "Uhh, he's unconscious, sir." "Ahhhh, they can still hear things." ---- "I WILL NOT EXPOSE THE IGNORANCE OF THE FACULTY." -- THE SIMPSONS ---- "If you own a cocker spaniel, you get a tax break." -- Paul Tsongas ---- Excerpts from Jim Dyer's DOONESBURY TIMELINE: 24-Jan-1986: Uncle Duke is pronounced dead. Hunter S. Thompson (a.k.a. Raoul Duke) expresses concern that being dead may not be good for his social life. ---- "You'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors." -- Dave Barry ---- "So, Phil, before you leave, I understand that Oprah Winfrey makes $35 million a year." "PFFFFFFFFT!!" [Dave Letterman and Pat Donahoo have at it, LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN] ---- "And the baby's Aunt is Shirley MacLaine! Wow!" -- David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN REASONS WE'VE BEEN ON THE AIR 10 YEARS : 9. Cheap to produce with illegal alien bandleader 8. Our perfect mix of comedy, music and awkward silence 7. Sophisticated technology that makes home viewers think they smell bacon 1. I'm Captain Dave and America is my Ship of Love -- Late Night 10th Anniversary Special ---- "To Hell with the show! This is *science*!" [LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN] ---- "You're wondering how we can dominate this, aren't you, Mike?" -- Crow ---- "One moment, please, ladies and gentlemen, I've just been handed a teletype. Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain has just addressed Parliament, and I quote his exact words, Quote:..." "HHEEEELLLLPPPP!" -- MST3K ---- "OK, new rule. No white people. Must take hard line on this, no exceptions. Take memo." -- Joel ---- "Guys, it doesn't get any stupider than this." -- Tom Servo ---- "Good luck, Pumpkin Boy." -- Tom Servo ---- "This man must have lead a very full and active life..." "...'cause there's a squirrel in his stomach." -- MST3K ---- "As far as I'm concerned, after 100 years carrion becomes memorabilia." [Maurice on NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "I try to know what I need to know. I make sure to know what I want to know." -- Nero Wolfe ---- "Usenet is not a right." "Usenet is a right, a left, a jab, and a sharp uppercut to the jaw. The postman hits! You have new mail." -- Ed Vielmetti & Chip Salzenberg ---- "One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, see the stupid monster." -- Crow ---- HE'S BREAKING UP, HE'S BREAKING UP: "Remember Lincoln, going to his kness in times of trial and the civil war and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for -- don't cry for me, Argentina." -- George Bush, 1/15, Dover, New Hampshire ---- "Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work." -- JIHAD, Clive Barker ---- *[WANTED]* $10,000 reward. Scrodinger's Cat. DEAD OR ALIVE -- Nicholas Weaver ---- Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION: Bush now understands Why Teenage Ninja Turtles Just stick to pizza. -- wolit@mhuxd.att.com ---- Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION: Bush-san slumps and falls. Was it broccoli sushi? The vomit thing, live. -- wolit@mhuxd.att.com ---- Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION: I beg, I pander, I let them win at tennis. But later I gag. -- wolit@mhuxd.att.com ---- Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION: Bush goes to Japan. Looses tennis, lunch and face. Winter of vomit. -- wolit@mhuxd.att.com ---- "I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going." [Avon from BLAKE'S SEVEN] ---- "I must say, though, that I wonder how many of you support the use of cats for scientific research?" "We tried it once but the cats really weren't up to it, bad writing skills and few worthy PHD's among them. I don't think any of them actually got tenure, which is sort of sad." -- Barry Shein ---- DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handy: "It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." ---- "As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so." -- Bizarro ---- "How does he do it, Smithers?" "He's a love machine, sir." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "If you wanted to make Sarok the Preparer cry, well, mission accomplished." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "The more things stay, the more they change the sane." -- Dave Sim ---- "WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!" [MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000] ---- "Push the button, Frank." [MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000] ---- "Their technology must be light years ahead of ours. Their use of stock is amazing." -- Tom Servo ---- "Out of the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm through fortune or design." "Oh, like Neil Bush!" -- MST3K ---- "Oh, everything's evil to you! Can't you just give it a chance?" -- Joel, MST3K ---- "You know, there's nothing like being in a gunfight with 600 pounds of high test nitro rocket fuel on your back." -- Joel, MST3K ---- "Uh, oh. This isn't good. I've seen good before, and this isn't it." -- Tom Servo ---- "ROGER! THIS IS GOD! PICK UP THE PACE!" -- Tom Servo ---- "Tonight, the fish sleep with Lucca Brazzi!" -- Tom Servo ---- "Sister, that dress is headed for trouble, and it's taking you with it." -- Crow ---- "There's the Nuge. Locked, stocked, and ready to rock." -- Joel, MST3K ---- "Walk quietly among other men, but know their power, for they are your enemies. Quietly crush them as you work diligently through the night. Pay attention to the man behind the curtain, for he is your ally. Drink deeply and lustily from the foamy draught of evil. Uh, do it to the other guy before he does it to you...and be bad to the bone, won't you?" -- Dr. Forrester, MST3K ---- "Hard to take anyone with a flannel skullcap seriously." -- Tom Servo ---- "Oh great, welcome to Plot Convenience Playhouse." -- Tom Servo ---- "A little horse for a little monkey." "Hey, he'll have himself on his back." -- MST3K ---- "Oh, you're just gettin' weird...and that results in creativity." -- Joel, MST3K ---- "You see? This is why we don't let teenagers in our hotel anymore. This kind of stuff." -- Crow ---- "Yeah, you've got spunk. I hate spunk!" [Lou Grant, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.] ---- "Very useful; now I can brown-nose myself." -- Frank, MST3K ---- "This is rich: `Bad command or filename.' They expect you to be a machine to operate this machine." "And I suppose you prefer a little animated clown who would juggle over to the little file cabinet and then wink at you and point to the right drawer." -- MST3K ---- "I'm Miles Standish and I'll be back to pick you up later. Ha ha!" -- Tom Servo ---- "Hi, Tom Servo here with a Turkey Day fact here at Comedy Central. Hey, did you know that Puritans used to beat up Quakers? Ha ha ha. It's true. Back after this." [Tom Servo, MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000] ---- "Turkey Fact Number 12: Turkeys are filled with enough L-Tryptophan to knock you on your sorry Thanksgiving ass." -- Tom Servo ---- "Turkey Fact Number 12: Turkeys would rather walk through an electric fan than around it. Ha ha. They're just stupid." -- Crow ---- "He drinks his tea at Al's cafe' And flies along on wires; He beats up crooks and flies with hooks And puts out forest fires." -- "Commander Cody: Enemy Planet", MST3K ---- "HEY! They're going to the Turd Museum." -- Crow ---- "Wild Rebels Cereal: part of this complete breakfast." "Hey! There's a cheap surprise inside!" "I got a gun!" "I got a sawed off pool cue with a leather strap!" "I got a chunk of hose filled with lead shot!" -- MST3K ---- "It's Wild Rebels Cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit in the back of the head with a surfboard of flavor." "Look! Marshmallow Fatties!" "Sugary Lindas!" "I got tangy, twangy Banjos!" "Crunchy Oat Rods!" -- MST3K ---- THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEERING REVIEWS: What They Say: "Displays excellent intuitive judgement." What They Mean: "Knows when to disappear." -- robkp@microsoft.COM ---- THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEERING REVIEWS: What They Say: "Excels in sustaining concentration while avoiding confrontations." What They Mean: "Ignores everyone." -- robkp@microsoft.COM ---- "A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body." [?] ---- KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller Is It Better to Be Single or Married??: "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Will, 7 ---- KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller: "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" -- Bert, 5 ---- KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller: "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Allan, 10 ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- December 4th "French astronomers report that a vast, hitherto-unknown galaxy at the very edge of the universe has been purchased by Japanese investors." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 30th "In politics, the name `Mario' becomes a source of vast amusement for the White House brain trust, especially spokesperson Marlin Fitzwater, who is apparently unaware that his own name is `Marlin Fitzwater.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 24th "In what is seen by political observers as yet another indication of White House indecision, President Bush signs the new civil-rights bill into law, then vetoes it, then calls a press conference to angrily deny that he has called a press conference." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 16th "Faced with a choice between David Duke and Edwin Edwards, Louisiana voters, in a heartwarming demonstration of common sense and good old-fashioned American decency, move to Ohio." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 5th "Concern grips the White House when Pennsylvania voters, in a Senate race that is seen by many as a referendum on the Bush presidency, vote overwhelmingly to secede from the union." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- October 19th "David Duke, having undergone successful cosmetic surgery to have four of his original six legs removed, wins a slot in the Louisiana gubernatorial runoff race with a campaign based on coded racial appeals, similar to the Willie Horton ad, but more subtle." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- October 10th "In the ongoing nomination hearings, Clarence Thomas accuses the Senate Judiciary Committee of being white men, a charge that appears accurate in every case except that of Sen. Kennedy, who looks more like a giant suit-wearing tomato." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 27th "The Senate Judiciary Committee concludes Round One of the Clarence Thomas hearings and votes unanimously to reconvene in October `for the purpose of behaving like the most flagrant collection of dorks on the planet.'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 12th "Under intensive questioning by Judiciary Committee Democrats, Clarence Thomas claims that at one time he did have an opinion, but his dog ate it." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 7th "The Senate Judiciary Committee begins its hearings into the Supreme Court nomination of Clarence Thomas, who, in his opening statement, notes that, in addition to coming from Humble Origins, he has been paying his dues as a federal judge for nearly 18 entire months and is ready for the Big Enchilada." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- August 23rd "In a sweeping post-coup reform move, Gorbachev abolishes the Communist Party and fires thousands of entrenched, hard-line Kremlin bureaucrats, all of whom are immediately hired by the Internal Revenue Service." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- August 22nd "The Soviet coup collapses when thousands of Moscow citizens, in a dramatic confrontation with Red Army tank units, realize that the tank engines have all been traded to Italy for cheese." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 18th "True Item: A Canadian psychiatrist releases a report, based on autopsies, stating that as men get older, their brains shrink a lot, while women's brains don't. This is believed to be the first scientific explanation of golf." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 14th "A scandal begins to burgeon in Washington when a sharp-eyed federal investigator happens to walk into the Bank of Credit and Commerce International to buy a money order and notices a sign that says `Ask About Our Covert Sale of American Arms to Iran!'" ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 10th "The president of Procter & Gamble, responding to years of allegations that its corporate logo contained satanic symbolism, calls a press conference to announce that he can rotate his head 360 degrees." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 1st "President Bush, who is totally against racial quotas, discovers to his amazement that of all the possible candidates to replace Thurgood Marshall, who is black, the most qualified person is Clarence Thomas, who, in what White House doctors say is a one in 984 hillion jillion vermilion coincidence, ALSO happens to be black (although, miraculously, he does NOT have Graves' disease). In his first news conference as nominee, Thomas reveals that he was born in Humble Origins, Ga., and grew up so poor that he could never afford to have an opinion." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- June 29th "True Item: The only version of Colombia's proposed new constitution, which is being written on a computer, is completely wiped out when a technician accidentally erases it." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- April 21st "Ending 159 years of tradition, members of Yale's exclusive and highly secretive Skull and Bones Club vote to stop wearing women's underwear." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- March 11th "True item: During a presidential visit to a Virginia school, a skeptical third-grader refuses to believe that George Bush is who he says he is until the President produces his driver's license." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- March 3rd "Shocked at the devastation they find in Kuwait, the allies begin a massive humanitarian airlift of emergency replacement gold plumbing fixtures for the royal palace. A grateful world learns that members of the Kuwaiti royal family have escaped injury despite being just 2,000 miles from the thick of the fighting, trapped in European hotels with only minimal polo facilities." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 27th "James Brown is released from prison after agreeing to let his parole board sing backup." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 25th "Hopes are aroused for an early end to the ground war when 3,500 Iraqi troops surrender to an allied portable field toilet." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 23rd "The long-awaited land war finally begins as Allied troops storm into Iraq." February 24th "Allied troops, after checking their maps, realize that they have stormed all the way THROUGH Iraq. They hastily turn around and storm back." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 7th "True Item: In Keithville, La., as many as 50 people, including sheriff's deputies, game wardens and wildlife officials, spend most of the night trying to rescue what appears to be a black bear caught high in a pine tree. Finally, after nearly eight hours, during which a veterinarian fired a number of tranquilizer darts, the rescuers chop the tree down and discover that they have saved a heavily sedated black garbage bag." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 25th "A huge oil slick begins spreading outward from Kuwait, threatening vast ecological damage to the Gulf region. Aerial reconnaissance reveals the shocking cause: The Iraqis, in flagrant disregard of international law and environmental standards, have chartered the Exxon Valdez." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 16th "War erupts in the Middle East as massive allied air forces attack Iraq with extremely sophisticated computerized weapons capable of hitting, with pinpoint accuracy, any target except Saddam Hussein." January 17th "The Iraqi air force, rising to the challenge, flies to Iran." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 12th "Haiti goes 36 straight hours without having a coup. The United Nations sends an inspection team to find out what's wrong." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 10th "With war now apparently inevitable, the nation is swept by a patriotic fervor as grim-faced yellow-ribbon manufacturers prepare to make huge profits and somber advertising executives labor far into the night producing emergency combat-related Miller Lite commercials." ---- DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 1st "The new year dawns with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein arrogantly thumbing his nose at international law. Little does this homicidal bully realize that, although he is riding high now, before the year is over, he will be, um, almost a year older." ---- Selections from TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A SERIAL KILLER: 10. Overheard muttering to himself, "Damn lying squirrels!" 6. Often selling Domino's Pizza uniforms at yard sales 5. Always says, "Let's see what else is on" whenever AMERICA'S MOST WANTED starts 4. You feel perfectly happy after killing one person, but he insists on killing more -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN REVELATIONS IN THE NEW MADONNA MOVIE _TRUTH OR DARE_: 10. Was kicked out of "Up With People" as a teenager for grabbing herself during halftime show 9. We think that maybe she sometimes dyes her hair 8. She invented the auto air freshener 5. Metal brassiere handy for opening long-neck Buds 3. Warren Beatty is only four foot ten 1. She once slept with Nancy Reagan -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF IRAQ'S REPUBLICAN GUARD: 10. Giggling during story time 9. Asking commander during inspection, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?" 7. Whenever enemy aircraft appears, dropping your gun and screaming like a woman 5. Comments like "Wow! That Hussein guy is nuts!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN SURPRISES IN _ROCKY V_: 9. Eight sequences choreographed by Peter Allen 8. Rocky killed by Laura Palmer's father 7. Rocky's new manager Fred MacMurray puts Flubber in Rocky's gloves; Rocky knocks opponent to Mars 6. Mr. T? Gay as a French horn. 5. Rocky goes back into the ring and fights a younger, stronger opponent and even though he hasn't a chance in the world to beat him, Rocky digs down and musters all the courage and heart he can, and -- you'll never believe this -- wins anyway! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT BORIS YELTSIN: 8. Can start up a jukebox just by rapping it with his fist 7. Knows where Gorbachev is really ticklish 3. Moonlights in Mayor McCheese costume at Red Square McDonald's 2. The rocket-powered Yeltsinmobile 1. Can drink Ted Kennedy under the table -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE ZACHARY TAYLOR AUTOPSY: 10. Had bottle caps and a license plate in his stomach 8. Pockets stuffed with little soaps you get free from motels 6. Let's just say Mrs. Taylor was a very lucky woman 4. Currently has better memory than Reagan 2. There's some cocktail waitress in there with him -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS FOR TAMPERED-WITH SUDAFED: 9. Comes in regular nonfatal, and now new fatal! 4. If Shirley MacLaine is right, you've got nothing to worry about 3. Sudafed -- take me away! -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "Oh, dear. A vicar in trouble. I suppose it's the choirboys again. I always think the Church runs a terrible risk having choirboys. They'd be far safer with a lot of middle-aged lady sopranos." [Uncle Tom, from John Mortimer's RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY series] ---- "As I always say, murder is nothing more than common assault, with unfortunate consequences." -- Rumpole ---- "Look, old sweetheart. Is it archaic to believe in some sort of equality of the sexes?" "Equality? You're into equality?" "For God's sake, yes! Give you equal pay, certainly. Let you be all-in wrestlers and Lord Chancellor. By all means! I'll even make the supreme sacrifice and give up my seat in the bus... But you're asking for women witnesses to be more equal than any other witnesses!" -- Rumpole ---- "I will stand up in Court for absolutely any underprivileged person in the world. Provided they've got Legal Aid!" -- Rumpole ---- "I thank heaven for small mercies. The first of these is Rumpole." -- Clive James ---- "Well, it's obvious to me that the EYE OF MONGOMBO is not what the public wants! I will concede to the majority; I am a reasonable man! *I QUIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU*!!!" [More endearments from the author of THE EYE OF MONGOMBO] ---- "Don't screw around with our trademarks, little man. Love, WB." [THE EYE OF MONGOMBO] ---- "Face it, no one with the least bit of sense goes running around in the worst part of town wearing a cape and tights! He's a *maniac*! Either that or he's a fairy!" [THE EYE OF MONGOMBO] ---- "That is one of the Laws of Usenet, up there with `You can tell when a Usenet discussion is getting old when someone drags out Hitler and the Nazis.'" -- David Goldfarb ---- "...OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt. This format is called `3.5 hectare' and it will not be made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a format called `Elroy', so *order yours now*." -- Dave Barry ---- "The masses seem to me worthy of notice in only three respects: first as blurred copies of great men, produced on bad paper with worn plates, further as a resistance to the great, and finally as the tools of the great; beyond that, may the devil and statistics take them." -- Friedrich Nietzsche ---- Selections from TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SPECIALS: 10. The Manson Family Christmas 8. 'Santa' is an Anagram for 'Satan' 6. The Stocking of Death 5. Scream 'til You Get a Nintendo 1. Sing The Praises of the Lord with Roseanne Barr -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "There are two kinds of people in the world: Those with loaded guns, and those who dig." [THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY] ---- "Get back to work! You're laborers, you're supposed to be laboring! That's what you get for not having an education." [REAL GENIUS] ---- "Qualifications?" "Rape, murder, arson, and rape." "You said rape twice." "I like rape." -- BLAZING SADDLES ---- "What about all that talk about screwing up future events, space/time continuum?" "Well, I figured... what the hell." [BACK TO THE FUTURE] ---- Selections from TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR LOSING THE DOG SHOW: 10. Mistaken in assumption that there would be chance to show off talent for drinking from toilet 9. Thought I saw the little chuckwagon 7. Caught in a lie claiming to be a Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three 5. My lifelong battle with problem drool 3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg 2. Money goes to trainer anyway, so let *him* stand naked in Madison Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN DUTIES OF QUEEN ELIZABETH II: 10. Gets to throw the first punch at soccer riots 9. Appears in TV ads for London Radio Shacks 3. Must chase, kill, and consume barn rats 2. Kick the queen of Sweden's ass in croquet -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK: 7. Four words: Regis and Kathy Lee 6. Commotion during mob hits at steakhouses allows you to skip out on check 5. The Japanese keep their buildings looking nice -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "And that marvelous moment when you switched from color to black and white, to show the bleakness of human existence." "Actually we ran out of money and had to buy cheaper film." [Benny Hill, if you can believe it.] ---- "Now I have shown him the way... That a man with no hope is a man with no fear." [DAREDEVIL] ---- "You see, my parents taught me a different lesson as they laid there dying in the street. The world doesn't make sense unless you force it." [THE DARK KNIGHT] ---- "I wrote WATCHMEN as the tombstone of superhero comics, not to revitalize them." -- Alan Moore ---- "Oh flibbidy floo! In *my day*, we didn't have these fool-proof, safety-tested transporters. No! We risked vaporized death every time we stepped in that little circle! And we *liked* it! We *loved* it! In *my day*, we didn't have any poofy peace treaties with the Klingons. No! We bashed foreheads every time we met 'til one of us had brains oozing out our skulls and we had to get them scooped back in with a spoon. And we *liked* it! We *loved* it! In *my day* we didn't have any of this Prime Directive namby pamby. We just barged right in and started blasting away with our Phasers whenever we got in trouble. So what if we doomed some planet's population? It was our hides on the line! We *liked* it! We *loved* it!" "I guess we were just a bunch of vaporized, brainless morons playing God with the future of any race we felt like. Well we *liked* it. We *loved* it! Flibbidy floo!" -- Derryl Dean DePriest ---- "If this screen looks blurred, or otherwise out of focus, get a life." -- Derryl Dean DePriest ---- "Pat's going to win in '92. I'll see to it. I don't care where I have to break into." -- G. Gordon Liddy ---- Selections from TOP TEN BIOENGINEERING PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT: 9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by Mack truck 8. Sea otters who wear their fur like Pat Riley 7. Squids that wait for the cable guy 6. Super-intelligent dogs that really can play poker so you could just photograph them instead of buying one of those fancy novelty paintings 4. Cocoa Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook on life -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN WORDS USED LEAST IN THE BIBLE: 10. Perky 9. Fudge-a-licious 8. Rootin'-tootin' 5. Mall Bunny 2. *BOINNNNG!* -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN WAYS BUSH COULD BLOW IT IN '92: 7. Guest-stars on `Matlock': shoots Andy Griffith in face 6. It is revealed he bet against the U.S. in the Gulf War 2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN LEAST EXCITING SUPERPOWERS FOR COMIC BOOK SUPERHEROES: 9. Lightening-fast mood swings 6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels 1. Magnetic colon -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- Selections from TOP TEN REASONS THE BRITISH LOST THE COLONIES: 9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got carried away 8. Colonists on steroids 6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey. 2. Wanted to get first draft choice 1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!" -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "Conan! What is best in life?" "Krraash yor animees. See dam driffen bafore you, ant heer da lamentations uff deir wimmen." -- Lazlo Nibble ---- Selections from TOP 10 NEW CIA AD SLOGANS: 10. "When you care to assassinate the very best." 9. "This is not your father's OSS." 6. "The CIA: We have a new slogan, but we can't tell you what it is." 1. "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, New World Orders don't upset us." -- The Washington Post ---- "Much though I love the Archie books, there is no better way to find out when a `hip' trend is dead than when it shows up in Archie." -- Dan Parmenter ---- Rejected ABC AfterSchool Specials: o The Day the Gym Teacher Cried. o The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank a Lot. o Hiking with Sam Kinison. o Parents Are Just Dummies, Anyway. o Nugget, the Golden Retriever with Problem Flatulence. -- t-robtp@microsoft.COM ---- "We have the most [thorough] test guy in the world... [I showed him this program and he asked,] 'but Rob, what if time runs backward?'" -- Rob Kolstad ---- "Those Macintoshes aren't the cute little boxes you think they are." -- Elizabeth Zwicky ---- "That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there." -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 ---- "Watch television, because you don't know what it will do if you leave it in the room alone." -- John M. Ford, aka Dr. Mike ---- "One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid." -- J. D. Watson, THE DOUBLE HELIX ---- Selections from TOP TEN REASONS WHY THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY TOP 10 LISTS ON LETTERMAN 8. Writers are heartsick over the cancellation of "Good and Evil" 6. "I thought *YOU* had the Top Ten lists" 5. Dave's dog ate them 1. Slight mishap with the "Flame-Thrower Cam" -- entire staff wiped out. -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "'All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys.'" [Grandma Ed on NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire." -- La Rochefoucauld ---- "The Bible doesn't forbid suicide. It's Catholic directive, intended to slow down their loss of martyrs." [Ellen Blackstone] ---- "America is a country with one hand on the Bible and the other on its pud." [Blodget and Dumm, SHOOTY BEAGLE] ---- "Personally, I think people paying $4,000 to get their pictures taken with George Bush already have enough problems." -- David Sarasohn ---- "Why did I give him Barbera Streisand's ego?" [QUANTUM LEAP] ---- "Careful, men -- he wets his pants." [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "That's the movies, Ed; try reality." "No, thanks." [NORTHERN EXPOSURE] ---- "We have big plans for you, Homey." "Yeah, well, I like what you did with Arsenio." [IN LIVING COLOR] ---- "`My Country, Right Or Wrong', eh?" "There are worse philosophies." "Yes; most of them begin with that." [One of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite episodes of STAR COPS] ---- "Heap on more wood! -- the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still." [?] ---- "Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!" [THE SIMPSONS] ---- "Having long been concerned about the problem of exploding cows, it seemed imperative to pass on to you the enclosed advertisement, the importance of which I am sure will be immediately apparent to you." -- Judge John Paul Stevens ---- Selections from CLARENCE THOMAS' TOP TEN FAVORITE MOVIE RENTALS 10. Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch 9. Orgy in the Court 6. Twelve Angry Men and A Really Hot Cheerleader 3. Red Hot Stuff Conservatives are Supposed to be Against 2. Dances Without Briefs -- Late Night with David Letterman ---- "Asked to look over the list of software purchased by the KGB, one American security expert concluded: `The Russians were rooked.' The KGB paid several thousand dollars for a word processor, called GNU Emacs, which is widely distributed free in western universities." -- THE ECONOMIST ---- "I envy the ease with which other people make use of the amenities ... by which I mean everything from sex to playing the jukebox." -- Eddie Campbell ---- "I always thought that there must be a special section of heaven. It looks a whole lot like the stacks at the Multnomah County Library. Winged librarians help you find the book you want. The sun shines in the tall windows. The people there are quiet, but you can see their spirits shining." -- Ursula K. Le Guin ---- "I am the janitor of God." [From THE FISHER KING] ---- "Serves the umpires right! Now we all have to miss the Tony Franciosa Film Festival on Channel 9 tonight for this!" [Whoah! It's the mighty wrath of FLAMING CARROT!] ---- "Hey! Stupid umpires! Hey, who's buried in Grant's Tomb?" [FLAMING CARROT] ---- "HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!" "Oh! Here! Just a darn minute now!" [FLAMING CARROT] ---- "Hey! Come back! We want to SURRENDER!" "Sorry! Too busy holding on for dear life to accept surrender!" [FLAMING CARROT] ---- "ONWARD MEN! To VICTORY.. or UNCONSCIOUSNESS!" [FLAMING CARROT] ---- "I overpowered them!... I glued skis all over them because I could not find rope or handcuffs in this room!" [FLAMING CARROT] ---- "I've met a lot of kings, and emperors and heads of state in my time Joshua. I've met them all. And you know something? I think I liked *you* best." [A very nice conclusion to a SANDMAN one-shot] ----