Newspaper Reporter Anthony Loyd of The Times newspaper in London and BBC
Correspondent John Simpson are brave and hearty souls, wandering in the aftermath of the
fall of Kabul and the withdrawing of the Taliban to points south. In a special report to the
BBC and the Times, they walk among the ruins and find a building that contains a wasteland
the Taliban soldiers have left behind: forgotten manuals, live hand grenades, and hats with
the new al-Qaeda logo on them.
After displaying images of this weaponry, and papers littering the floor, Simpson shows us
his two most horrifying finds: A piece of paper with the word "ricin" on it, and plans for a
thermonuclear device!
So as not to allow terrorists around the world to gain the plans to this bomb, the camera
scrolls down the instructions quickly, and focus on just a few words:
[see the pictures at the given URL]
Scary words indeed; the keys to nuclear destruction, just laying out here on this forgotten
desk! How could these well-guarded secrets have leaked to the Taliban?
Well, this is where it gets a little funny. You see, those words appear on a semi-famous
document that has made the rounds on the Internet since the late 1980's. It's a reprint of a
scientific parody called "How to Build an Atom Bomb" from a humor newsletter called The
Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). At the time this document was originally written
(1979!), the newsletter was called the "Journal of Irreproducible Results". (In scientific
circles, a finding must be reproducible to be considered valid. Hence... well, it's geek humor.
You understand.)
In Mr. Loyd's Times article, he describes with baited breath the terrible secrets on the page:
"The vernacular quickly spun out of my comprehension but there were phrases through the mass of chemical
symbols and physics jargon that anyone could understand, including notes on how the detonation of TNT
compresses plutonium into a critical mass producing a nuclear chain reaction and eventually a thermo-nuclear
reaction...."
Here, then, is a paragraph from the parody document:
"The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical
mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column,
"Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear
reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!"
To find these joke atomic bomb plans, do a web search for "The device basically works" and
look for mentions of "Let's Build an Atomic Bomb!". It gives us pause and joy to know the
Taliban are wasting their time downloading what amounts to joke mail and spending time
trying to discern the facts therein.
Next time, Misters Loyd and Simpson should glance further down the terrorist papers they
find, where they might have read these words: "PREVIOUS MONTHS' COLUMNS... Let's
Make an Anti-Gravity Machine!"
I guess I can cancel that order for a fallout shelter.
Tune in next week to hear how the Taliban have
established an alliance with the space aliens who
live in a secret base beneath Antarctica. There may
be an anal probe in your future.
