The Queen: Verily in mine eight and fifty
years have I not heard
the fellow to this fart. Meseemeth, by the great sound and clamor
of it, it was male; yet the belly it did lurk behind should now
fall lean and flat against the spine of him that has been
delivered of so stately and so vast a bulk, whereas the guts
of them that do quiff-splitters bear, stand comely still and
round. Prithee, let the author confess the offspring. Will
my Lady Alice testify?
Lady Alice: Your grace, had I room for such a
thundergust within mine ancient bowels, 'tis not in reason
I could discharge the same and live to thank God for that
he did choose a handmaid so humble whereby to show his power.
Nay, 'tis not I that have brought forth such a rich and
overmastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so pray you seek
thee further.
The Queen: Mayhap the Lady Margery hath done
the company this favor?
Lady Margery: So please you madam, my limbs
are feeble with the weight and drouth of five and fifty winters,
and it behooveth that I be tender unto them. In the
good providence of God, had I contained this wonder,
forsooth would I have given the whole evening of my sinking
life to the dribbling of it forth, with trembling and
uneasy soul, not launched it sudden in its matchless
might, taking mine own life with violence, rending my weak
frame like rotten rags. It was not I your majesty.
The Queen: On God's name, who hath favored
us? Hath it come to pass that a fart shall fart itself?
Not such a one as this, I trust. Young Master Beaumont;
but no, 'twould have wafted him to Heaven like down of a
goose's body. 'Twas not the litte Lady Helen - nay, never
blush, my child; thou wilt tickle they tender maidenhead
with many a mousie-squeak before thou learnest to blow a
hurricane like this. Was it you, my learned and ingenious
Jonson?
Ben Jonson: So fell a blast hath never
mine ears saluted, not yet a stench so all-pervading and
immortal. 'Twas not a novice did it, your good majesty,
but one of veteran experience - else had he failed of
confidence. I sooth it was not I.
Queen: Lord Bacon?
Lord Bacon: Not from my lean entrails
hath this prodigy burst forth, so please your grace.
Nothing do so befit the great as great performance; and
happily shall ye find that 'tis not from mediocrity this
miracle has issued.
Queen: What saith the worshipful Master Shaxpur?
Shaxpur: In the great hand of God I stand, and
so proclaim my innocence. Though the sinless hosts of heaven
had foretold the coming of the most desolating breath. proclaiming
it a work of uninspired man, its quaking thunders, its
firmament-clogging rottenness his own achievement in due course
of nature, yet had not I believed it; but had said the pit
itself hath furnished forth the stink, and Heaven's artillery
hath shook the globe in admiration of it.
Sir Walter Raleigh: Most gracious majesty,
'twas I that did it, but indeed it was so poor and frail a
note, compared to such as I am wont to furnish, that in sooth
I was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so august a
presence. It was nothing - less than nothing, madam,
I did it but to clear my nether throat; but had I come
prepared then had I delivered something worthy. Bear with
me, please your grace, till I can make amends.
Who would have thought that so crude a topic could be
handled with such taste and delicacy?
